My biggest hope in this year of no shopping is that it will help unlock more of my creativity as I work to solve problems/create solutions within our home. Case in point: we have an open concept main floor, which I love, and is significantly larger than the one in our Utah home... but most days it does not feel that way. I feel claustrophobic while working in the kitchen (my usual homebase) and sending the kids downstairs into the basement, a large open space usually results in some sort of fighting match for some reason. The kids love to take the couch cushions apart to make forts and such and after a particularly terrible day with a twin who shall remain unnamed, I decided on a whim earlier this week that we will be moving the couch downstairs. So the twins threw down the cushions and I carried down each piece of the sectional. After setting up downstairs and cleaning up the upstairs, it felt like a breath of fresh air. The kids use their bean bag chairs upstairs and for now the TV is still in the upstairs living area.
The nice thing about moving so often (something else I have in common with Miranda) is that we get rid of a LOT of stuff. In the dozen or so moves we have done, I can say with a fair amount of confidence that the reducing aspect of moving happens over and over again... unfortunately once we do move that reducing mentality is replaced with a feeling of needing to--in the words of Scarlett Overkill--"Fill the Void". So while I do a great job about getting rid of things that no longer have use or being joy to our family, I am also guilty of bringing more in, which definitely defeats the purpose of reducing in the first place.
So that means that starting a no shopping challenge so quickly after moving is probably one of the best ways I can combat that. With the exception of the bed (mattress and frame) purchase for little A, where I knew exactly what I wanted, I was just procrastinating doing the thing as long as possible, there are still more things than I would like on my "probably need to buy" list. Things like a full length mirror for my bedroom (I forgot to pack ours into the moving truck and it would not fit into my car for the cross country drive), bed frames for the twins beds (but I cannot decide if we are going to go bunk beds or regular beds for them), new desk for Drew, patio furniture for our deck, and the list goes on. The truth is, I am sure I could keep finding ways to buy more things for our family till the end of time... but do we really need it? And if we do, am I doing my part to make sure that the things we buy are going to withstand the test of time (not add to the landfill) and be something we love and want to have forever?
Similar to my Whole30 experience, in just a week I have discovered some of my common triggers for shopping... being in stores, being stressed out, etc. I am focusing on what I can control, and while I am hoping to spend less money overall, the biggest win will be not having a house full of stuff I don't want. My only trip to a store this past week was the grocery store at 6am, without kids but armed with a list that I stuck to about 95%, much better than usual. The end of the school year has added a new layer of "stuff" making its way into my house, but I am hoping that I can get through it soon and move into more creative endeavors, like starting some work on my sewing machine!
Speaking of my sewing machine... I was presented with a bit of a creative problem right off the bat with it! I do not have a sewing table (the last time I used it was in ohio and that table has long since been sold) so I improvised! I used the two semi matching side table dressers Drew and I have in our bedroom, put them right next to each other in an area of our bedroom (after moving the bed and utilizing two other smaller tables as our bedside tables), and will be using them for my sewing "table" along with a folding chair we already had. Hopefully in the next week I can tackle a few sewing projects that have been on the docket for too long.
We did make 3 trips to the library in the last week... something about getting out a new book helps to ease that "shopping fix" when I need something new. It is nice to know that since I go through books so quickly that they do not have to fill the bookshelf (that we don't have). We have also taken out more of our board games to play with... I feel really lucky that we really have a minimal amount of toys, especially compared to a lot of people we know, probably due in large part to the fact that we did not have a play room in our last house! The only things we have in our basement are a small bin of assorted toys (mostly action figures), costumes, a kitchen and small bin of kitchen accessories, and of course A's barbie house (with dolls, accessories) in her bedroom. I have plenty of arts and crafts supplies in the kitchen for them to use, and we have a good collection in the living room of books in my TV stand to read, not to mention I hope we spend most of the next two months outside! It has been so nice to not have as much to clean up around the house, and hopefully that will only get easier as I get everything organized in the house... as my kids know all too well, my motto is "It needs to have a home or it's home will be the trash! (or donation bin or recycling)".
51 weeks to go!
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Thursday, May 16, 2019
MORE THAN ENOUGH/ A YEAR OF NO SHOPPING (May 15, 2019-May 15, 2020) started yesterday for me.
Clif's notes version of the next 364 days for our family:
On my 10-hour drive there and back to visit my mom for a belated mother's day gift, I had an epiphany. This one had been brewing for awhile, but started to spark after reading this book I stumbled upon at the library:
The most interesting thing that stuck out to me while reading (a really easy read, by the way) was that while recycling and reusing are both "so hot right now", reducing (and therefore going counter to consumerism culture of BUY MORE EVERY DAY) is not.
Let me back up a bit. Ever since I was little, I remember wanting to be a hippie flower child. I was in environmental groups at home and that was something I was SO passionate about for a long time. I lost that passion somewhere in the teenage years and it only started truly re-emerging in the last few months, as we moved to Indiana and starting noticing garbage in the streams or how embedded into nature our new home was. A couple documentaries later (and after finishing the above book) I really dug deep into reducing our waste. I have never been one for keeping clutter ( I have a hard time watching shows like Hoarders or Marie Kondo because watching all the clutter makes me a little paranoid about how much stuff we have and makes me feel like we need to get rid of MORE stuff), but I started to recognize how we could recycle as much as possible, and add a minimal amount of trash. We currently have about 2-3 garbage bags a week in our and I am hoping to reduce that next year to one, as we recycle more, use less, and start composting.
Watching the Minimalists (Netflix) with Drew was eye opening. Obviously it is very different/easy to be minimalist when you don't have kids, but I felt like while we were doing good, we could do better. I remember Drew making a comment (not quoteable but similar to) about how while I am very good about not keeping stuff around we do not need or use, I bring in about as much with my shopping. I was highly offended at the comment because HOW DARE HE but like everything he says, I knew he was right. It just took a few months for me to realize it.
My whole adult life I have struggled with shopping. I made hundreds of dollars babysitting from ages 12-18 and I spent every bit of it. I got a credit card at 18, and despite my dad's accountant-style attempts to teach me to stay within a budget, all that went out the window when I realized I could buy now, pay later. I always paid off my credit card, though it came at a cost... I was lucky enough that my parents were helping me pay for rent and tuition, so when I went to BYU I only had to work a part time job to pay for groceries, and even then I finished my first year of college in desperate need to make money. So the summer after my freshman year of college, I got THREE jobs, because I needed to keep up with my spending habits... I worked as a full time nanny of 3 kids, and then when I wasn't doing that, I was working at a tanning salon or at a mexican restaurant. It was a busy summer but worth it to be able to keep up with my current spending as well as pay off my debt from Freshman year.
So when I met Drew that fall, I continued to go in a similar cycle, spending as quickly as I was earning. Drew was an incredible force for good in my life (and much needed!) because his extremely frugal habits either rubbed off on me or shamed me enough to curb my spending habits. I didn't want my horrible spending compulsions to be the reason he couldn't marry me.
I think I had $22 in my bank account when we got married (after paying for his ring and my last credit card statement as a single lady), but to be honest I was just thrilled I had entered marriage without the embarrassment of debt. I wish I could say that marrying him cured my shopping issues but unfortunately if anything it made money the most difficult issue in our marriage.
We got married over 12 years ago and this is still a subject that is hard for me to talk about, even with him. I always knew I was the "spender" in our relationship and I couldn't stop. I curbed it, certainly, because I loved him so much and wanted him to not be greatly dissapointed in me, but it never lasted long because at my core, I just didn't care. You read that right. I just didn't care about money. I am aware at what a privilege that is. That while we were more careful in our earlier years and had the cheapest rentals money could buy, we were able to get help from our parents and the government in those early years of marriage and we have never been in any serious debt that was not due to car or house payments. I am forever grateful for Drew for that, since it is his guidance that led us to that frugality and did not come without some serious kicking and screaming on my part.
Then I read this book back in March when I went to Seattle for a conference:
2018 and 2019 have both felt funk-like for me, and this helped bring me out of that funk. I started planning for the future, making goals for the next 10 years. And while my goals and dreams have shifted slightly, one stayed consistent:
I am financially independent.
It started out as a number. I thought, if I am making "x" amount of money a year, I should still be able to provide for our family if something happens to Drew's job. But then I went and looked at art teacher salaries and that number was completely out of my range. Which is not to say that I don't still want to make that much money on my own, but then I listened to this podcast from a girl named Miranda that I only started listening to because I wanted help getting out of my creative funk.
In that podcast she talks about how there are only two ways to have more money: make more or spend less. SERIOUS LIGHTBULB MOMENT FOR ME. She spoke about a YEAR of NO SHOPPING and I felt this tug, this "hey, this is for YOU." I read more about it when I got home and told Drew. He was a bit unimpressed (I am the one with the BIG IDEAS for how to make budgeting work "better" and I always seem to fail at them and then give up because that has been my cycle) but as always, supportive. The irony of this is that this is the way HE usually lives his life, so instead of calling this a "year of no shopping", I should probably call it "Trying to be more like Drew"!
Anyways, these are the rules I decided on for myself for the next 364 days. I already made it one day (yay! little victories!) and really wanted to embrace this idea for myself and my kids of what Miranda calls:
"using a concrete idea to help develop the more abstract principles of patience, gratitude, abundance, and simplicity"
the link to her post talking about her year of not shopping here.
I love that idea. MORE THAN ENOUGH STUFF. Because it is so true!
Of course as soon as I made this decision (on Monday), I realized that one major purchase had to be made and no longer procrastinated before I began... so my "final shopping" experience was a mattress and minimal frame for my daughter's room, to replace the inflatable mattress, which I honestly would have let her sleep on longer if it wasn't for my grandfather coming to visit with my parents at the end of this month and needing a place to sleep. So we got both ordered Tuesday and yesterday was actually really hard! I do a lot of "retail therapy" where my brain will make excuses to buy something.
Case in Point: I got an email first thing yesterday about this event for BYU that would be in Nashville and they would be selling (BYU) Y'ALL shirts and my first thought was WE NEED THOSE. After calming down my brain I reminded myself that half of Drew's wardrobe is BYU gear, all our kids have some size or another in BYU stuff and that was not something we would be buying because it would be shopping. It is flattering to me that people are shocked I need to go to such an extreme to stop shopping but I guess that also exposes me to what I have been since I was a little girl spending all my hard earned babysitting money on Bear Hugs (a candy and toy shop within walking distance to my childhood home) and then later Limited Too and Claire's:
I am a shopaholic.
I love to shop but I do not love the way it makes me feel afterwards, similar to a few other vices like chocolate or ice cream, haha! I would like to feel in control, and this is the best experiment I could think of, PLUS an added bonus is that it will help me with my creativity! I'm excited to turn some of A's shirts into tanks and broken leggings into shorts instead of having to go buy her new ones this summer.
One last quote from Miranda that sums up what I hope to achieve this year:
"Sometimes it feels like everywhere you look the message is that you don’t have enough. You need more, better, newer, faster, and shinier things to be happy. Well, we’ve proved that message wrong for our own little family. We spent the year viewing what we had as more than enough, and seeking creative ways to use and love it. We also learned a lot about what we need, like, and care most about. When you step off of the cycle of consumption it becomes really clear where the things you normally buy serve your life, and where they don’t."
I am also planning on a monthly "experience" for myself as a sort of treat for continuing on this path and to act as something to look forward to (patience!). First up will be a proper haircut sometime before the next month...
If this seems like a "no duh" thing for you, then you probably don't need a challenge or understand why I would need a challenge like this! The only asterisk on this for me (as it was with the girl who I got the idea from) is that if one of my kids outgrows a pair of shoes and they have no more to use, we will buy one of the same, but if it is clothes, they just need to use what they have unless they have no clothes, which I doubt will happen unless they get some sort of monster growth spurt!
Drew and the kids are on board, the kids can still earn money from chores and buy stuff on their own, and it is totally fine if they get gifts from other family members or friends for birthdays or something, but from us they will only get a homemade gift or experience and if they go to someone's birthday party, then Drew (not me) can take them to get something reasonable, since this experience is to help me most of all. I probably won't be stepping foot in a Target till spring of 2020.
IF you want to know the nitty gritty details about how I arrived here, read on....
_________________________________________________________________
Let me back up a bit. Ever since I was little, I remember wanting to be a hippie flower child. I was in environmental groups at home and that was something I was SO passionate about for a long time. I lost that passion somewhere in the teenage years and it only started truly re-emerging in the last few months, as we moved to Indiana and starting noticing garbage in the streams or how embedded into nature our new home was. A couple documentaries later (and after finishing the above book) I really dug deep into reducing our waste. I have never been one for keeping clutter ( I have a hard time watching shows like Hoarders or Marie Kondo because watching all the clutter makes me a little paranoid about how much stuff we have and makes me feel like we need to get rid of MORE stuff), but I started to recognize how we could recycle as much as possible, and add a minimal amount of trash. We currently have about 2-3 garbage bags a week in our and I am hoping to reduce that next year to one, as we recycle more, use less, and start composting.
Watching the Minimalists (Netflix) with Drew was eye opening. Obviously it is very different/easy to be minimalist when you don't have kids, but I felt like while we were doing good, we could do better. I remember Drew making a comment (not quoteable but similar to) about how while I am very good about not keeping stuff around we do not need or use, I bring in about as much with my shopping. I was highly offended at the comment because HOW DARE HE but like everything he says, I knew he was right. It just took a few months for me to realize it.
My whole adult life I have struggled with shopping. I made hundreds of dollars babysitting from ages 12-18 and I spent every bit of it. I got a credit card at 18, and despite my dad's accountant-style attempts to teach me to stay within a budget, all that went out the window when I realized I could buy now, pay later. I always paid off my credit card, though it came at a cost... I was lucky enough that my parents were helping me pay for rent and tuition, so when I went to BYU I only had to work a part time job to pay for groceries, and even then I finished my first year of college in desperate need to make money. So the summer after my freshman year of college, I got THREE jobs, because I needed to keep up with my spending habits... I worked as a full time nanny of 3 kids, and then when I wasn't doing that, I was working at a tanning salon or at a mexican restaurant. It was a busy summer but worth it to be able to keep up with my current spending as well as pay off my debt from Freshman year.
So when I met Drew that fall, I continued to go in a similar cycle, spending as quickly as I was earning. Drew was an incredible force for good in my life (and much needed!) because his extremely frugal habits either rubbed off on me or shamed me enough to curb my spending habits. I didn't want my horrible spending compulsions to be the reason he couldn't marry me.
I think I had $22 in my bank account when we got married (after paying for his ring and my last credit card statement as a single lady), but to be honest I was just thrilled I had entered marriage without the embarrassment of debt. I wish I could say that marrying him cured my shopping issues but unfortunately if anything it made money the most difficult issue in our marriage.
We got married over 12 years ago and this is still a subject that is hard for me to talk about, even with him. I always knew I was the "spender" in our relationship and I couldn't stop. I curbed it, certainly, because I loved him so much and wanted him to not be greatly dissapointed in me, but it never lasted long because at my core, I just didn't care. You read that right. I just didn't care about money. I am aware at what a privilege that is. That while we were more careful in our earlier years and had the cheapest rentals money could buy, we were able to get help from our parents and the government in those early years of marriage and we have never been in any serious debt that was not due to car or house payments. I am forever grateful for Drew for that, since it is his guidance that led us to that frugality and did not come without some serious kicking and screaming on my part.
Then I read this book back in March when I went to Seattle for a conference:
I am financially independent.
It started out as a number. I thought, if I am making "x" amount of money a year, I should still be able to provide for our family if something happens to Drew's job. But then I went and looked at art teacher salaries and that number was completely out of my range. Which is not to say that I don't still want to make that much money on my own, but then I listened to this podcast from a girl named Miranda that I only started listening to because I wanted help getting out of my creative funk.
In that podcast she talks about how there are only two ways to have more money: make more or spend less. SERIOUS LIGHTBULB MOMENT FOR ME. She spoke about a YEAR of NO SHOPPING and I felt this tug, this "hey, this is for YOU." I read more about it when I got home and told Drew. He was a bit unimpressed (I am the one with the BIG IDEAS for how to make budgeting work "better" and I always seem to fail at them and then give up because that has been my cycle) but as always, supportive. The irony of this is that this is the way HE usually lives his life, so instead of calling this a "year of no shopping", I should probably call it "Trying to be more like Drew"!
Anyways, these are the rules I decided on for myself for the next 364 days. I already made it one day (yay! little victories!) and really wanted to embrace this idea for myself and my kids of what Miranda calls:
"using a concrete idea to help develop the more abstract principles of patience, gratitude, abundance, and simplicity"
the link to her post talking about her year of not shopping here.
I love that idea. MORE THAN ENOUGH STUFF. Because it is so true!
Of course as soon as I made this decision (on Monday), I realized that one major purchase had to be made and no longer procrastinated before I began... so my "final shopping" experience was a mattress and minimal frame for my daughter's room, to replace the inflatable mattress, which I honestly would have let her sleep on longer if it wasn't for my grandfather coming to visit with my parents at the end of this month and needing a place to sleep. So we got both ordered Tuesday and yesterday was actually really hard! I do a lot of "retail therapy" where my brain will make excuses to buy something.
Case in Point: I got an email first thing yesterday about this event for BYU that would be in Nashville and they would be selling (BYU) Y'ALL shirts and my first thought was WE NEED THOSE. After calming down my brain I reminded myself that half of Drew's wardrobe is BYU gear, all our kids have some size or another in BYU stuff and that was not something we would be buying because it would be shopping. It is flattering to me that people are shocked I need to go to such an extreme to stop shopping but I guess that also exposes me to what I have been since I was a little girl spending all my hard earned babysitting money on Bear Hugs (a candy and toy shop within walking distance to my childhood home) and then later Limited Too and Claire's:
I am a shopaholic.
I love to shop but I do not love the way it makes me feel afterwards, similar to a few other vices like chocolate or ice cream, haha! I would like to feel in control, and this is the best experiment I could think of, PLUS an added bonus is that it will help me with my creativity! I'm excited to turn some of A's shirts into tanks and broken leggings into shorts instead of having to go buy her new ones this summer.
One last quote from Miranda that sums up what I hope to achieve this year:
"Sometimes it feels like everywhere you look the message is that you don’t have enough. You need more, better, newer, faster, and shinier things to be happy. Well, we’ve proved that message wrong for our own little family. We spent the year viewing what we had as more than enough, and seeking creative ways to use and love it. We also learned a lot about what we need, like, and care most about. When you step off of the cycle of consumption it becomes really clear where the things you normally buy serve your life, and where they don’t."
I am also planning on a monthly "experience" for myself as a sort of treat for continuing on this path and to act as something to look forward to (patience!). First up will be a proper haircut sometime before the next month...
Monday, May 13, 2019
Mother's Day 2019
Unlike past Mother's Days, I have decided to fully embrace my happiness and gratitude in being a mother this year, instead of provoking my usual guilt-riddled conscience to continue pointing out all the things that are wrong with the way I parent(ed) or am parent(ing). I realize this is not a revelation for most, but for me, this year, it is. It is the start of the seed of Daring Greatly 2.0.
The twins made me mother's day cards and some humerous questionnaires at the YMCA this weekend, little D made that beautiful little mixed media piece, A made me a little cement hand thing and Drew got me my favorite ice cream (that is only around for 6 weeks a year!) with some heath bars.
Not to mention I took A out to see Captain Marvel (as a reward for no longer getting a second breakfast at the school cafeteria secretly each morning, haha!) and when I got back Drew had tackled the laundry for me and put most of it away! BEST gift ever.
Yes, the height difference is real with those twins!
We spent the evening talking with both our moms and I just feel so grateful that we both have our moms, because I know it will not always be that way.
THEN...
With Drew's help, I left before the big kids woke up for school to drive up to Ohio for the day and have lunch with my parents and see my grandma. We will see them in two weeks again but I really felt this pull to see them since they were relatively so close for Mother's Day. The tablets dying on the way home made it a difficult ride back but I am so glad I did it.
THEN...
With Drew's help, I left before the big kids woke up for school to drive up to Ohio for the day and have lunch with my parents and see my grandma. We will see them in two weeks again but I really felt this pull to see them since they were relatively so close for Mother's Day. The tablets dying on the way home made it a difficult ride back but I am so glad I did it.
Friday, April 19, 2019
[4 kids in 5] four year postpartum thoughts on DR and motivation and FAILURE
If you are looking for a twins birthday recap here they are just after birth,
one year old, Lo. Lan.
two years old, Lo. Lan.
three years old. Lo. Lan.
The rest of this is about me, postpartum. If I can even call it that (it just seems so far away?)
This was a year postpartum.
It's a funny thing being 4 years postpartum with the twins tomorrow.
I am still working out an average of 5 days a week.
I still have diastasis, but it is steadily improving.
It is nonexistent below my belly button (where it was not too much of an issue after the first year anyway) which is great and means that part is mostly healed. Above is still a 2 finger gap, which is a miracle considering what I started out looking like (like this and also like a bowl of distorted jello). I truly believe for too long that my abs would never work their way back to each other.
I want to be honest because I have been lacking in motivation to blog lately. I have been lacking motivation in a lot of aspects of my life. Sure, I get little bursts here and there, but on the whole it has been difficult. This post is one that I have been dreading posting about for awhile.
I weigh more now than I did postpartum with any of my kids. Even the twins.
A few pounds stayed on right before the move to utah, then I gained a good 10 pounds with the stress of that move, lost some of it and regained another 10 or so in the move to Indiana. All while still working out and being active the entire time. I went through half a dozen whole30s but never quite felt good enough about it to keep going eating that way because it is SO different from the way my family eats.
I got discouraged.
When I lost weight and bloat from being on the whole30, I still looked "bad". I resigned myself to thinking I would only look good when I got surgery and had to "settle" for the way I look until then.
Every meal I would make my family, regardless of its contents, was spurned. I have a husband who (bless his heart) has a limited array of vegetables he will tolerate and my kids enjoy only a fraction of that array. There's a LOT of veggie eating on whole30. That being said, some nights even making mac n cheese my kids would reject for random reasons.
I got more discouraged.
I learned about intuitive eating and tried that for a hot minute, before realizing I was not truly connected enough to my body to do it properly. Enter more discouragement.
Long story short, I feel so far behind on that journey back to my body that feels "normal". I was watching the new Netflix Beyonce Documentary and she spoke about how after she had her twins she had a hard time finding her groove, feeling like a part of her body again, I still feel so much disconnect and shame from that disconnect when it was such a relatively quick turnaround with the first two pregnancies. I also feel shame and guilt about thinking it would always be easy for anyone, and not understanding why anyone would say it was so hard.
I am so tired. All the time. And if it is not the kind of tired that comes with kids who won't go to bed at night or wake up too early it is the tired that comes from every waking moment taking care of 2-4 very demanding children, the twins who are constantly making messes (today it was dumping out an entire two laundry baskets full of folded clean clothes all over the main floor, not to mention yesterday's leftover "take everything out of A's room and dump it at the bottom of the stairs to jump into.") which I know people are going to tell me to love and enjoy and aren't they so creative but mostly I am just so sick of picking up after their messes, not to mention all the emotional pull from each of the four kids demanding time and attention from my every waking minute... it's a lot. I confessed to Drew the other night that sometimes I fantasize about working full time so that I don't have to deal with THIS all day anymore. But the fact is, I would still be dealing with much of the same, it would just be even MORE intense because it would be crammed into a smaller space in time. So... I homeschool till they get sick of me? Drew would never let me and I am sure I would go nuts. Summers and weekends and holidays are plenty for me.
I just feel like going through this whole parenting thing, I knew what to expect out of the first 2 years---it would be terrible, sleepless nights, I would feel like a cow (in more ways than one), lots of crying, etc. But I had these (obviously wild) fantasies of hitting that 3 year mark and it bringing with it a sense of freedom... I could survive the say without a desperate nap!!! (that was a HUGE milestone with the twins to be sure!) I would have free time that I wasn't pumping nursing or changing diapers and babyproofing and I could just do whatever I wanted to do because life without babies would be easier AND THAT WAS A FANTASY LIE. I don't know how to describe how they are harder but they are! Which is obscene since I spent so much of those first two years wishing they would go faster. But they get so much more complicated after the prek years and I feel so lost sometimes trying to navigate things like diaper rashes (but obviously not from a diaper) for my 6 year old, temper tantrums from my 4 year old, things that there is a WEALTH of advice in the 0-2 year old bracket and then NOTHING. At least nothing useful. There are certainly plenty of moments in my day that I am so happy and loving being at home with my kids and the things we get to do together and I feel so lucky, I don't want to diminish that, but I feel like that is ALL I heard from moms of the 2+ crowd. And radio silence on the difficult parts, the emotional and psychological and all that... probably because after 2 years old kids branch out into so many different learning and love languages and disciplines and all that, and I will say pretty much nothing I have done parenting-wise has worked for any two of my children in the same way so I guess there is something to that radio silence.
I have been dreading going to bed since we moved here, every night, just like I did when the kids were babies. But instead of dreading being woken up, it is dreading having to groundhog day my routine of wakeup-change kids clothes-get breakfast-make lunch-out the door to school-gym with twins-home with twins-big kids home-entertain 4 crying emotional rollercoasters who want to EAT ALL THE SNACKS BECAUSE NO ONE ATE THEIR LUNCHES till dinner-dinner-bedtime routine-bed. I know I need to make a change not just in that aspect of my life, but in a couple other parts (like the intentional self-care).
Please do not mistake this as a cry for help (it's not) or depression (it's not) or a need for a vacation (I don't want one right now). This is just me trying to piece together the handful of failures I have been feeling the last little while because that is the best way for me to make sense of it and reflect on it.
FAILING SPECTACULARLY.
That is how I would sum up 2019 so far.
But I am not ashamed of it. I fail every day and every day I keep trying. I am someone who has been fit and in really good shape for the majority of my adult life and I have hit a pretty low blow on that front, not that I am in bad shape, but that I don't look like I am in good shape. I have been legitimately consistently ashamed of my body for the majority of the last 3 years. I gave myself a grace period for the first year (thankfully, for my mental health!) and then I got real critical, fast.
Thankfully, about a month ago I read Girl, Stop Apologizing. It was mind blowing, more so than Girl, Wash your face. After the first book I attempted a morning routine and a running gratitude list. After the second book (my morning routine has been shot as of late) I started writing down my dreams. The hard part was writing them down and not believing them. Not believing that my body was beautiful and strong. Not believing that I could really be a financial rockstar. But something is happening, slowly but surely, and I am starting to believe. I do love my body, all 20 extra (technically no longer) postpartum pounds of it, almost all belly. I hate writing that last part but it's my truth. The thing I was so afraid of happening to me, staying "all belly" after having kids, it happened. I am trying not to live in the past and compare my post baby self to my prebaby self but I have a 35 inch waist, if you can call it that. This was right before we moved in January, and aside from the spots dissapearing, not much has changed.
I don't have it all figured out but this morning something occurred to me while I was writing my goals is that the one that has been lacking is "I am a daughter of God." One of the most basic truths that have been lacking in my goals and affirmations since I started and I cannot believe I missed it. I included things about being connected to God, making time for things of a more spiritual nature, etc. But that small key was what I have been missing.
"True self care is making the choice to build a life you don't need to regularly escape from"
I have had that quote on my computer for months but that is also something I have been failing at. I hide in my room, in my phone, in my pantry, in my car, in the locker room of the gym.
I have a beautiful life that I simply need to adjust my expectations for. That this is not the quiet time for glorious free time for sketching and researching and reading books I want to read. This is the time for me to be present and building memories with my kids and in my life because this season will be over soon.
As an abstainer, it always seems like it needs to be all or nothing. Either I give 100% of myself to my kids or to my own self-care. It is really hard for me to split that because it feels so much like finding that balance is harder than the all or nothing, because it is. Because the percentages are always changing, and all the balls being juggled will not all be where they are supposed to be all the time. And sometimes that just needs to be okay.
Failing over and over again just means I keep changing up my approach, my gameplan. While I am discouraged for a moment (some moments longer than others), ultimately I have been blessed and guided to pick myself back up and keep going, keep trying. Much like teaching, much like being an artist, it's all the same. We are all failing, some of us more obviously than others. And I just want to share that in this space to hold that space for anyone who feels that way--to know that it is normal and it will pass. And I am right here, failing regularly alongside my kids and Drew (just kidding, he's perfect and never fails at anything) because that is part of the plan.
I am choosing to let faith overcome fear of failure, because the worst thing I could do is stop trying. It may take me a couple more failures before I am able to "find" the body I am truly comfortable with, but until then I am deciding to still love it and be proud of all it has done, especially in the last 9 years. Time to be braver then yesterday, pull myself up by the bootstraps with a plan and get to work.
one year old, Lo. Lan.
two years old, Lo. Lan.
three years old. Lo. Lan.
The rest of this is about me, postpartum. If I can even call it that (it just seems so far away?)
This was a year postpartum.
It's a funny thing being 4 years postpartum with the twins tomorrow.
I am still working out an average of 5 days a week.
I still have diastasis, but it is steadily improving.
It is nonexistent below my belly button (where it was not too much of an issue after the first year anyway) which is great and means that part is mostly healed. Above is still a 2 finger gap, which is a miracle considering what I started out looking like (like this and also like a bowl of distorted jello). I truly believe for too long that my abs would never work their way back to each other.
I want to be honest because I have been lacking in motivation to blog lately. I have been lacking motivation in a lot of aspects of my life. Sure, I get little bursts here and there, but on the whole it has been difficult. This post is one that I have been dreading posting about for awhile.
I weigh more now than I did postpartum with any of my kids. Even the twins.
A few pounds stayed on right before the move to utah, then I gained a good 10 pounds with the stress of that move, lost some of it and regained another 10 or so in the move to Indiana. All while still working out and being active the entire time. I went through half a dozen whole30s but never quite felt good enough about it to keep going eating that way because it is SO different from the way my family eats.
I got discouraged.
When I lost weight and bloat from being on the whole30, I still looked "bad". I resigned myself to thinking I would only look good when I got surgery and had to "settle" for the way I look until then.
Every meal I would make my family, regardless of its contents, was spurned. I have a husband who (bless his heart) has a limited array of vegetables he will tolerate and my kids enjoy only a fraction of that array. There's a LOT of veggie eating on whole30. That being said, some nights even making mac n cheese my kids would reject for random reasons.
I got more discouraged.
I learned about intuitive eating and tried that for a hot minute, before realizing I was not truly connected enough to my body to do it properly. Enter more discouragement.
Long story short, I feel so far behind on that journey back to my body that feels "normal". I was watching the new Netflix Beyonce Documentary and she spoke about how after she had her twins she had a hard time finding her groove, feeling like a part of her body again, I still feel so much disconnect and shame from that disconnect when it was such a relatively quick turnaround with the first two pregnancies. I also feel shame and guilt about thinking it would always be easy for anyone, and not understanding why anyone would say it was so hard.
I am so tired. All the time. And if it is not the kind of tired that comes with kids who won't go to bed at night or wake up too early it is the tired that comes from every waking moment taking care of 2-4 very demanding children, the twins who are constantly making messes (today it was dumping out an entire two laundry baskets full of folded clean clothes all over the main floor, not to mention yesterday's leftover "take everything out of A's room and dump it at the bottom of the stairs to jump into.") which I know people are going to tell me to love and enjoy and aren't they so creative but mostly I am just so sick of picking up after their messes, not to mention all the emotional pull from each of the four kids demanding time and attention from my every waking minute... it's a lot. I confessed to Drew the other night that sometimes I fantasize about working full time so that I don't have to deal with THIS all day anymore. But the fact is, I would still be dealing with much of the same, it would just be even MORE intense because it would be crammed into a smaller space in time. So... I homeschool till they get sick of me? Drew would never let me and I am sure I would go nuts. Summers and weekends and holidays are plenty for me.
I just feel like going through this whole parenting thing, I knew what to expect out of the first 2 years---it would be terrible, sleepless nights, I would feel like a cow (in more ways than one), lots of crying, etc. But I had these (obviously wild) fantasies of hitting that 3 year mark and it bringing with it a sense of freedom... I could survive the say without a desperate nap!!! (that was a HUGE milestone with the twins to be sure!) I would have free time that I wasn't pumping nursing or changing diapers and babyproofing and I could just do whatever I wanted to do because life without babies would be easier AND THAT WAS A FANTASY LIE. I don't know how to describe how they are harder but they are! Which is obscene since I spent so much of those first two years wishing they would go faster. But they get so much more complicated after the prek years and I feel so lost sometimes trying to navigate things like diaper rashes (but obviously not from a diaper) for my 6 year old, temper tantrums from my 4 year old, things that there is a WEALTH of advice in the 0-2 year old bracket and then NOTHING. At least nothing useful. There are certainly plenty of moments in my day that I am so happy and loving being at home with my kids and the things we get to do together and I feel so lucky, I don't want to diminish that, but I feel like that is ALL I heard from moms of the 2+ crowd. And radio silence on the difficult parts, the emotional and psychological and all that... probably because after 2 years old kids branch out into so many different learning and love languages and disciplines and all that, and I will say pretty much nothing I have done parenting-wise has worked for any two of my children in the same way so I guess there is something to that radio silence.
I have been dreading going to bed since we moved here, every night, just like I did when the kids were babies. But instead of dreading being woken up, it is dreading having to groundhog day my routine of wakeup-change kids clothes-get breakfast-make lunch-out the door to school-gym with twins-home with twins-big kids home-entertain 4 crying emotional rollercoasters who want to EAT ALL THE SNACKS BECAUSE NO ONE ATE THEIR LUNCHES till dinner-dinner-bedtime routine-bed. I know I need to make a change not just in that aspect of my life, but in a couple other parts (like the intentional self-care).
FAILING SPECTACULARLY.
That is how I would sum up 2019 so far.
But I am not ashamed of it. I fail every day and every day I keep trying. I am someone who has been fit and in really good shape for the majority of my adult life and I have hit a pretty low blow on that front, not that I am in bad shape, but that I don't look like I am in good shape. I have been legitimately consistently ashamed of my body for the majority of the last 3 years. I gave myself a grace period for the first year (thankfully, for my mental health!) and then I got real critical, fast.
Thankfully, about a month ago I read Girl, Stop Apologizing. It was mind blowing, more so than Girl, Wash your face. After the first book I attempted a morning routine and a running gratitude list. After the second book (my morning routine has been shot as of late) I started writing down my dreams. The hard part was writing them down and not believing them. Not believing that my body was beautiful and strong. Not believing that I could really be a financial rockstar. But something is happening, slowly but surely, and I am starting to believe. I do love my body, all 20 extra (technically no longer) postpartum pounds of it, almost all belly. I hate writing that last part but it's my truth. The thing I was so afraid of happening to me, staying "all belly" after having kids, it happened. I am trying not to live in the past and compare my post baby self to my prebaby self but I have a 35 inch waist, if you can call it that. This was right before we moved in January, and aside from the spots dissapearing, not much has changed.
"True self care is making the choice to build a life you don't need to regularly escape from"
I have had that quote on my computer for months but that is also something I have been failing at. I hide in my room, in my phone, in my pantry, in my car, in the locker room of the gym.
As an abstainer, it always seems like it needs to be all or nothing. Either I give 100% of myself to my kids or to my own self-care. It is really hard for me to split that because it feels so much like finding that balance is harder than the all or nothing, because it is. Because the percentages are always changing, and all the balls being juggled will not all be where they are supposed to be all the time. And sometimes that just needs to be okay.
Failing over and over again just means I keep changing up my approach, my gameplan. While I am discouraged for a moment (some moments longer than others), ultimately I have been blessed and guided to pick myself back up and keep going, keep trying. Much like teaching, much like being an artist, it's all the same. We are all failing, some of us more obviously than others. And I just want to share that in this space to hold that space for anyone who feels that way--to know that it is normal and it will pass. And I am right here, failing regularly alongside my kids and Drew (just kidding, he's perfect and never fails at anything) because that is part of the plan.
I am choosing to let faith overcome fear of failure, because the worst thing I could do is stop trying. It may take me a couple more failures before I am able to "find" the body I am truly comfortable with, but until then I am deciding to still love it and be proud of all it has done, especially in the last 9 years. Time to be braver then yesterday, pull myself up by the bootstraps with a plan and get to work.
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Super Monkey of the Week
Little D was chosen as the Student of the Week and since I have been failing miserably in keeping up with my blog (and updates on my kids) I felt like this was an easy was to update on him.
D was born in Pleasant Grove, Utah. He was the oldest kid in his family and
the only one to be born in the West Coast. D's first word was ball, his mom got
him to walk by offering him a soccer ball and he took his first steps running towards it!
D has always been good at sports. At 18 months, he was able to hit a ball that was
thrown to him and preferred that over a baseball tee. He could dribble a basketball
before he was 2, and made frequent trips to the mini golf course with his parents before
he was even in preschool! D has been able to play hockey, lacrosse, baseball, soccer,
basketball, golf, swimming and football with his 5 uncles and 2 aunts. He did not have
ANY cousins until last year when he got a little cousin named G.
the only one to be born in the West Coast. D's first word was ball, his mom got
him to walk by offering him a soccer ball and he took his first steps running towards it!
D has always been good at sports. At 18 months, he was able to hit a ball that was
thrown to him and preferred that over a baseball tee. He could dribble a basketball
before he was 2, and made frequent trips to the mini golf course with his parents before
he was even in preschool! D has been able to play hockey, lacrosse, baseball, soccer,
basketball, golf, swimming and football with his 5 uncles and 2 aunts. He did not have
ANY cousins until last year when he got a little cousin named G.
D has lived in Utah, Massachusetts, Ohio and now Indiana since he was born and
has moved 7 times in his 8 years of life! He went to Preschool, Kindergarten and
1st grade in Ohio, 2nd grade at a Public school in Utah and 3rd grade (before he
moved here) at a Charter School in Utah, which means he had a dress code where
he could only wear red white or blue! He loved superheroes when he was younger
(Ant Man is his favorite), then Pokemon cards and Bey Blades. He has been to a
New England Patriots game, Boston Celtics game, golf tournaments, and lots of BYU games.
D loves to run and has even “run in” to cross the finish line with his mom in a couple of races!
has moved 7 times in his 8 years of life! He went to Preschool, Kindergarten and
1st grade in Ohio, 2nd grade at a Public school in Utah and 3rd grade (before he
moved here) at a Charter School in Utah, which means he had a dress code where
he could only wear red white or blue! He loved superheroes when he was younger
(Ant Man is his favorite), then Pokemon cards and Bey Blades. He has been to a
New England Patriots game, Boston Celtics game, golf tournaments, and lots of BYU games.
D loves to run and has even “run in” to cross the finish line with his mom in a couple of races!
Brigham Young University is the closest college to where D was born and was
where his parents went to school. D dad worked in the BYU Athletics department for a
few years while D's mom was a High school art teacher in Utah. D has one little sister
named A, who was born in Massachusetts, she is 6 years old this month. D loved taking
care of his baby sister and showing her how to play sports but he really wanted a little
brother, and almost 4 years ago got twin baby brothers, L&L. D also has a cat who will
be turning 11 this month. Sometimes it feels like everyone in our family has an April birthday,
because half of them do! But not D, who gets the whole month of July all to himself to
celebrate his birthday.
where his parents went to school. D dad worked in the BYU Athletics department for a
few years while D's mom was a High school art teacher in Utah. D has one little sister
named A, who was born in Massachusetts, she is 6 years old this month. D loved taking
care of his baby sister and showing her how to play sports but he really wanted a little
brother, and almost 4 years ago got twin baby brothers, L&L. D also has a cat who will
be turning 11 this month. Sometimes it feels like everyone in our family has an April birthday,
because half of them do! But not D, who gets the whole month of July all to himself to
celebrate his birthday.
D has always been the most kind, friendly, easy going boy who loves playing with and
making new friends. He is helpful to his parents and very independent. Most of his life
he has had to help with little siblings and he is really good with little kids, especially babies
---Babies LOVE Dustin! He always knows how to make someone laugh either with a joke
or a funny face.
making new friends. He is helpful to his parents and very independent. Most of his life
he has had to help with little siblings and he is really good with little kids, especially babies
---Babies LOVE Dustin! He always knows how to make someone laugh either with a joke
or a funny face.
D's favorite color is green, 9 is his favorite number, and his favorite food is Ramen with
eggs which he knows how to make and has made for his family. Favorite movie is
Home Alone, favorite book series is Captain Underpants. Favorite fast food place is
Wendy’s 4 for $4 meal. He is an excellent artist who loves writing comics and reading
comic books. When he grows up he wants to be a scientist and study fossils. He recently
hurt his foot which is a shame because his favorite part of school is recess and his second
favorite part is P.E.
eggs which he knows how to make and has made for his family. Favorite movie is
Home Alone, favorite book series is Captain Underpants. Favorite fast food place is
Wendy’s 4 for $4 meal. He is an excellent artist who loves writing comics and reading
comic books. When he grows up he wants to be a scientist and study fossils. He recently
hurt his foot which is a shame because his favorite part of school is recess and his second
favorite part is P.E.
Our not so Little D is an awesome kid and we are so lucky to have him in our family!
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Looking back at 2018 (FOCUS), Looking forward at 2019 (CHARITY)
2018 I had 71 blog posts, which is the only double digit year I have had since my first year of blogging (every other year was three digits), with good reason. I did a lot in my personal life, I had a lot going on that took me away and did not give me much time on my computer to sit down and go through pictures (which is how I know what to blog about usually), not to mention the latter half of the year I was consumed with getting the house ready to sell and then buying our new home.
My word for 2018 was FOCUS (with the end in mind), which I divided into four parts:
Parenting-I think that I struggled so much with this this past year. I am getting better about involving the kids as they get older with chores and helping around the house and that is still a work in progress but the twins have helped me clean bathrooms and the kids love to vacuum and my kids can all unload a dishwasher so it wasn't a total loss. My biggest struggle was finding time for little d since he is gone for the longest amount of time during the day and then wants to be with friends or just out of the house instead of hanging out with us, BUT I will say that buying more family games (or getting them like our favorite SUSHI GO!) has really helped us to bond as a family.
Turning Learning to Teaching-I did take the time to finish quite a few books this year on my own which was not easy. I continued to read the Old Testament but transitioned at the end of the year into New Testament (thanks to Come Follow Me, which is seriously an answer to prayers for knowing what to teach my kids for family night and just in general during the week!). I have been hit and miss with waking up early to study but when I do it sets the tone for the rest of my day and I love that.
Creating-Unfortunately my artmaking has really stalled this year. I don't know what else to say, but I still enjoy working in my sketchbook with my kids on Sundays and at least I have that time, even if I am just making cartoons. This year I felt like since losing the naps with the twins (even with them being in prek, which I really just ended up using that time to prep the house for moving so I never truly got to enjoy that time as "me" time), I struggled with getting time to be creative. But I still was able to carve time out for reading because of how much I love reading and found some really good books, so I am okay that this part of my focus took the backburner this year.
Being an Athlete-I started going to Fieldhouse fitness and spin which I loved both and felt amazing. I did a half dozen Whole30s (I could do those perfectly) but then struggled with how to "food freedom forever" post-whole30. I went on two whole30 retreats and even contemplated becoming a whole30 coach because man did I know my whole30 stuff...but it never felt right. Then the path I was on lead me to discovering Intuitive eating and the Health at Every Size movement and I felt like THIS, this was what felt right to me. (sorry whole30!). Unfortunately as I mentioned earlier, I allowed my health in general (Skipping meals, eating out, skipping workouts--gasp!) to fall by the wayside and gained a good 20 pounds at the latter half of the year. Part of that came from being upset/depressed that I would not be able to get a tummy tuck in the near future (because we were moving and our house was expensive and we would be using our savings on that instead of elective surgery, which threw me into a couple months funk I finally snapped out of in December). I disregarded my self-care and paid the price, one that will take probably all of 2019 to recover from, but I am at peace with that. I am at peace with the way my body looks and feels even if it is not where it should be because I know it will not last forever, and it was worth it at the time to make my Utah house look as perfect as possible. I will recover and I will find my athletic space in the next year and my definition of beauty and healthy has been broadened and my eyes have been opened, which I am so grateful for. I am giving myself grace for the first half of 2019 as my body recovers and I learn to find my balance again.
My biggest regret this past year was allowing my self care to fall by the wayside the latter half of 2018, mostly because I felt like the things I had to get done were so important I allowed them to consume me completely, which looking back was probably why I had some significant struggles with balance. Also not spending more quality time with little d.
My biggest accomplishments for 2018 were: earning about 40 relicensure points, potty training the twins (which was LIFE CHANGING), getting the twins in prek (which I never thought we would do), starting the big kids in a charter school (that was based on Covey's habits of highly effective leaders), prepping the house to sell (pretty much entirely on my own... I treated it like my full time job!) and then buying a new home.
So going into 2019, my word for the new year is CHARITY.
I struggled the most with my word this year than I have since I started doing a single word a year. I flirted with a few other words but this was the one that I just kept coming back to.
Charity is defined in scriptures as "The Pure Love of Christ", "Conquers all", "To give", among other things. I felt like it was the missing puzzle piece I was missing so badly in my life.
CHARITY FOR SELF- in the form of compassion for myself and giving myself grace and forgiveness on a daily basis. Acknowledging that I am not perfect and allowing myself to keep trying instead of allowing that imperfection to paralyze me. Because it is only once I truly learn to love myself that I can truly love others.
CHARITY FOR MY SPOUSE AND KIDS- treating the most important people in my life like they are the most important people in my life, which is easy to forget about in the hustle and bustle of the day to day. Specifically to reduce the yelling in my house and increase the acts of kindness.
LEARNING MORE ABOUT CHRIST-Christ was the epitome of charity, and I hope that by learning more about him through reading about his life and teachings I can be a more Christlike person and this can help me with the other two aspects of my goals.
CHARITY FOR OTHERS OUTSIDE OUR HOME- to look for ways myself or my family can bless the lives of others around us, to be aware of those who need help or love, and to seek out those who can be blessed by us because we are so very blessed and I want to make sure we share our blessings with those around us.
This is by far the most spiritually based resolution and I hesitate even putting it out there because I feel like this will be the most challenging resolution I have ever made even if it seems so simple, but I feel like I have been lead to this word in the same way I have been led to this home in Indiana. Let's do this.
My word for 2018 was FOCUS (with the end in mind), which I divided into four parts:
Parenting-I think that I struggled so much with this this past year. I am getting better about involving the kids as they get older with chores and helping around the house and that is still a work in progress but the twins have helped me clean bathrooms and the kids love to vacuum and my kids can all unload a dishwasher so it wasn't a total loss. My biggest struggle was finding time for little d since he is gone for the longest amount of time during the day and then wants to be with friends or just out of the house instead of hanging out with us, BUT I will say that buying more family games (or getting them like our favorite SUSHI GO!) has really helped us to bond as a family.
Turning Learning to Teaching-I did take the time to finish quite a few books this year on my own which was not easy. I continued to read the Old Testament but transitioned at the end of the year into New Testament (thanks to Come Follow Me, which is seriously an answer to prayers for knowing what to teach my kids for family night and just in general during the week!). I have been hit and miss with waking up early to study but when I do it sets the tone for the rest of my day and I love that.
Creating-Unfortunately my artmaking has really stalled this year. I don't know what else to say, but I still enjoy working in my sketchbook with my kids on Sundays and at least I have that time, even if I am just making cartoons. This year I felt like since losing the naps with the twins (even with them being in prek, which I really just ended up using that time to prep the house for moving so I never truly got to enjoy that time as "me" time), I struggled with getting time to be creative. But I still was able to carve time out for reading because of how much I love reading and found some really good books, so I am okay that this part of my focus took the backburner this year.
Being an Athlete-I started going to Fieldhouse fitness and spin which I loved both and felt amazing. I did a half dozen Whole30s (I could do those perfectly) but then struggled with how to "food freedom forever" post-whole30. I went on two whole30 retreats and even contemplated becoming a whole30 coach because man did I know my whole30 stuff...but it never felt right. Then the path I was on lead me to discovering Intuitive eating and the Health at Every Size movement and I felt like THIS, this was what felt right to me. (sorry whole30!). Unfortunately as I mentioned earlier, I allowed my health in general (Skipping meals, eating out, skipping workouts--gasp!) to fall by the wayside and gained a good 20 pounds at the latter half of the year. Part of that came from being upset/depressed that I would not be able to get a tummy tuck in the near future (because we were moving and our house was expensive and we would be using our savings on that instead of elective surgery, which threw me into a couple months funk I finally snapped out of in December). I disregarded my self-care and paid the price, one that will take probably all of 2019 to recover from, but I am at peace with that. I am at peace with the way my body looks and feels even if it is not where it should be because I know it will not last forever, and it was worth it at the time to make my Utah house look as perfect as possible. I will recover and I will find my athletic space in the next year and my definition of beauty and healthy has been broadened and my eyes have been opened, which I am so grateful for. I am giving myself grace for the first half of 2019 as my body recovers and I learn to find my balance again.
My biggest regret this past year was allowing my self care to fall by the wayside the latter half of 2018, mostly because I felt like the things I had to get done were so important I allowed them to consume me completely, which looking back was probably why I had some significant struggles with balance. Also not spending more quality time with little d.
My biggest accomplishments for 2018 were: earning about 40 relicensure points, potty training the twins (which was LIFE CHANGING), getting the twins in prek (which I never thought we would do), starting the big kids in a charter school (that was based on Covey's habits of highly effective leaders), prepping the house to sell (pretty much entirely on my own... I treated it like my full time job!) and then buying a new home.
So going into 2019, my word for the new year is CHARITY.
I struggled the most with my word this year than I have since I started doing a single word a year. I flirted with a few other words but this was the one that I just kept coming back to.
Charity is defined in scriptures as "The Pure Love of Christ", "Conquers all", "To give", among other things. I felt like it was the missing puzzle piece I was missing so badly in my life.
CHARITY FOR SELF- in the form of compassion for myself and giving myself grace and forgiveness on a daily basis. Acknowledging that I am not perfect and allowing myself to keep trying instead of allowing that imperfection to paralyze me. Because it is only once I truly learn to love myself that I can truly love others.
CHARITY FOR MY SPOUSE AND KIDS- treating the most important people in my life like they are the most important people in my life, which is easy to forget about in the hustle and bustle of the day to day. Specifically to reduce the yelling in my house and increase the acts of kindness.
LEARNING MORE ABOUT CHRIST-Christ was the epitome of charity, and I hope that by learning more about him through reading about his life and teachings I can be a more Christlike person and this can help me with the other two aspects of my goals.
CHARITY FOR OTHERS OUTSIDE OUR HOME- to look for ways myself or my family can bless the lives of others around us, to be aware of those who need help or love, and to seek out those who can be blessed by us because we are so very blessed and I want to make sure we share our blessings with those around us.
This is by far the most spiritually based resolution and I hesitate even putting it out there because I feel like this will be the most challenging resolution I have ever made even if it seems so simple, but I feel like I have been lead to this word in the same way I have been led to this home in Indiana. Let's do this.
January 2019 in pictures:all the lasts and some firsts
January is typically the longest month for me... this year was no exception. Even looking back through these pictures I think to myself, did that all happen in the same month?!
Little d has his last Utah basketball game (that I now realize I only have videos and no photos of!)
Saturday night we were lucky enough to be in town for Concessa's son's wedding reception! I love any excuse to see her and now I am going to have to make some up since I won't be in Utah which is just the gathering place!
writing sweet goodbye notes to her primary teachers
And because I am crazy and the clippers were packed away in the truck (we packed the truck a week before we actually left Utah), we did Cookie Cutter's for the boys (A got a hair trim from Becca only a week or so ago!) and they cleaned up nicely!
Here's their first day! We took A to the bus stop, then had an hour to kill before I could drop off little d so we did back to school shopping/grocery, dropped off little d with his school supplies at school, dropped off A's school supplies at her school (she's in a primary school which is prek through 1st grade, little d's elementary is 2nd-5th grade), came home and unloaded and then it was time to pickup the kids at the bus stop! Made for a quick first day and the second day was ALSO a two hour delay (and then it was the weekend!) so the big kids got an easy transition into their new schools. Both made friends (Noah and Daisy) on the first day in their classes and met some of the neighbors by riding the bus with them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
