learning to Dare Greatly

It's only been like 8 months since I started reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown... I have no excuse for not finishing it earlier since I can easily blaze through a book I really like in about a day. But this book made me stop and think and reflect and realize that I was living my life and parenting in a way that I was not happy with.

This book helped me realize how much I deal with shame on a daily basis, a "never good enough" attitude I have around my husband and kids and then I flip that when I am in public display, of trying to look like I have it all together, easily and effortlessly, when the dark reality is so far from the truth it's absurd.

I don't like who I am when I can't stop eating cinnamon rolls. Or yelling at my kids. Or checking social media. It frustrates me that I can't parent 4 kids the way I parented 2, that I can't achieve the body I had before I had kids (which is ludicrous and a whole other post altogether) and still eat whatever I want, that my time is broken into tiny little tidbits where I feel I can get nothing done, or I am too tired to get anything of value done. Not to mention (despite my best efforts) my house is NEVER EVER 100% clean and it DRIVES ME NUTS. I am a perfectionist trapped in an imperfect body! Help!

Unfortunately, this book has opened my eyes to a lot of things, mostly concerning my interactions with my firstborn. When he does something wrong, he starts smacking himself in the head, which drives me CRAZYYYY. But today I realized that you know what?! He and I are a lot more alike than I give him credit for. He is always striving for perfection, whether it is hitting the ball at every at bat, or being ranked #1 among his fitbit challengers, or not being yelled at by his parents because his little siblings are watching and imitating his every move. The only difference is that I hide my shame on a daily basis, instead of using the guilt to fuel change, which would require being more vulnerable. Which I hate, especially in front of my children and ESPECIALLY in front of people I don't see very often, because I assume everyone thinks I can't get my act together because I have so many small kids. What's worse that people having high expectations of you? People having terribly low expectations of you. It sucks.

So here I am, dirty mirrors, hiding my (cinnamon roll) post baby bump with a much cuter baby, ready to start daring greatly. Asking myself the hard questions, owning up to my mistakes and encouraging my kids to do the same and hopefully learn from them. Source.