So about that Whole30.... it was perfect. It felt easy most days with a couple of friends doing it alongside me and these yummy Fast and Easy recipes I was loving. A perfect 35-ish days of Whole30 eating and honestly I felt so good and I was in such a GOOD funk I didn't even realize it... until I fell off the Whole30 train hard on Superbowl weekend and realized how tired, swollen and gross I felt when I got OFF Whole30.
So most of Feburary I have spent struggling to find motivation for much of anything. I didn't want to blog about Whole30, I didn't want to wake up early or go to bed at a decent hour, I didn't feel like reading any of the half dozen books I am working on, I had no motivation to paint or draw or make meals anymore, I didn't even want to work out (which is an all time low for me!). I effectively hit a post-whole30 black hole and here's the issue: I LOVE the way I ate (the meals were SO GOOD!) and felt on Whole30. But my kids hated it (AKA every meal I made was met with disgust), my husband was supportive but relieved when I was done with it, and taking sugar out of everything is SO STINKING EXPENSIVE. ($8 bacon...as in, $8 for like 10 slices but it was made without sugar!! Madness!). I was really, REALLY hoping that doing a Whole30 would be the springboard I could use to put me on the path back to health I never fully found after having the twins.
I did lose a couple of pounds I needed to lose in January. I lost a little bit of body fat. But then I looked back on weight and measurements I had taken this time last year and I was THE SAME Literally. To the 1/10th of a pound and to the inch, exactly. Which was a hard hit. What was all this work and prepping and everything for if it wasn't making a difference? I had even been doing my Mutu workouts for a month solid, never missing a day, getting weekly PT massages to help my mess of a midsection and I still looked 5 months pregnant. I threw away all my heels. I got all zero-drop/minimalist shoes. I stopped running (because it was putting a lot of pressure on my DR). I varied my workouts, tried crossfit for 6 months (which made it worse), I changed my diet and I saw ZERO results. I am back to where I was a year ago, which was not a great place to be at. So where do I go from here? Am I seriously destined to live the rest of my life with people telling me how great I look to be pregnant with #5?? I have been doing the same MUTU workouts for 2.5 years and I still can't get past week 2 because my Gap won't close up smaller than a "2". I have read more articles and done more research on Diastasis Recti than I have for all papers I have ever written, combined, in both high school and college.
I still cannot believe the twins will be 3 years old in two months. I am happy and excited to be entering this new stage of life that doesn't involve baby things, where we are so close (with Lan at least!) to going without diapers, and can manage without naps if we need to. But I am terribly disappointed in my body and how far behind I feel in relation to the twins age. I work so hard in the gym, on the "proper" core exercises, and while I do not always eat perfectly, I did for a month and observed basically no change in my body (aside from an initial deflation of the bloating/pregnant looking belly).
I'm not looking for a pity party or a quick fix... I am just grateful I have this space where I can finally put down all the feelings that have been building up inside of me for years. Frustrated and disappointed when I have been trying to hard to be grateful and proud. But I will not stop working hard. I will not give up. This is only a small moment in time, and hopefully, God willing, I can look at this post in my newsfeed in a year or two or 5 and recognize and really appreciate the change that will have happened to my body. Because I haven't found the right fix for it yet. But I will.
I will.
Showing posts with label Twin mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twin mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Sunday, March 19, 2017
a review of our 7 strollers in 7 years!! (3 singles and 4 doubles!)
Our stroller journey started off with a simple snap and go stroller to go along with the car seat for little d, mostly because I never understood the allure of stroller travel systems. I was not a fan of strollers to start off with, I felt like they were ALL too big and clunky and hard to maneuver. Except for the BOB... which happened to be so crazy expensive that even though we were both working, spending upwards of $400 on a baby stroller seemed... outrageous! I knew I would be recovering from my first baby and I figured by the time I started running it would be winter anyway. Long story short, we had that snap and go as our only stroller (and we loved it!) for the first 7 months of little d's life. Which is should be noted, I called our "frame stroller" for like a year because that's basically what it was... the outer frame of a stroller. And for the record, Kevs was not partial to the snap and go... he just loved sitting in all our strollers, basket or seats or footrests. Strollers are listed in order of when we got them. If you don't want to bother reading, *spoiler alert* my favorite (jogging and all around all purpose stroller) was the single BOB Revolution! <3 (and the city select for those with twins!)
Stroller #1: GRACO SNUGRIDER (snap and go stroller)
pros:
-inexpensive,
-easy one hand fold,
-folds flat,
-doesn't take up a lot of space,
-HUGE storage basket,
-adjustable handlebar,
-a total workhorse (I always use my strollers as shopping carts!!),
-lightweight.
cons:
-one brake on each side,
-can only use it till baby outgrows the carseat (or it gets too heavy in our case!),
-not great maneuverability,
-cheap tires,
-cupholders not deep enough for my liking (they wouldn't hold bottles or sippies securely enough)
Overall: I'm glad we had it with one kid. And if your kids are far enough apart like ours were (2y9m) and you're not opting for a double, this stroller is awesome in its simplicity. We did LOTS of walks with this stroller and I would definitely recommend it for the first 6-9 months with a singleton.
Stroller #2 (and 3): BOB REVOLUTION 2010 and then BOB REVOLUTION SE 2011
Then on Valentine's day 2011 (so unfair since it was the day before Drew's birthday!) we rolled out to REI with all the birthday and christmas money and I got my beloved BOB revolution. If you look through the review of the 2010, you'll notice the only things (aside from price) that I complained about got fixed in the newer version. I ended up returning it back to REI at the end of the summer (did you know you can do that?!) because with no locking mechanism I was worried it would not survive our cross country flight. I repurchased the 2011 version once we moved to ohio (slightly more expensive but it had a locking mechanism, adjustable handlebar and better seatback, literally almost all the cons I complained about with the older version...AKA it was PERFECT!). Then I got pregnant for the second time and swore I would never get a double BOB. Little A was born and most of the time I would opt to carry her in the Ergo while pushing little d in the BOB, until she was about 5 months old then I just went ahead and put her in the BOB (so that S&G did not get as much use the second time around... and little did I know it would get no more use from us ever!)
*Pros:
-Maneuverability (you have the option to lock the wheel or allow it to swivel but I never locked it unless I was putting it away),
-relatively lightweight,
-you can technically hold two kids for short periods of time (putting the larger child in the footrest, which we have done more than once!),
-and by far the best running stroller on the market. Like I said, I used these strollers as shopping carts and for running errands and this stroller was not even that much wider than most other strollers.
-It fit perfectly into the trunk of my toyota corolla.
-Adjustable handlebar,
-you could push it one-handed,
-large canopy
-lots of pockets,
-5 point adjustable harness,
-excellent back support for baby
-off roading!!!!
*Cons: PRICE. But that's it! It is a hefty pricetag, but if you are going to be running a lot, I would recommend it as your "one and only" stroller... over the years it will definitely be worth it! Any extras (cupholders, snack trays, car seat adapters) cost more which stinks because you are already paying a lot for the stroller. The only accessory I only ever got was the handlebar cupholder for myself.
I didn't get in as many running miles with little a in the BOB as I did little d (since most of my logged miles were from chasing after little d on his bike as opposed to training) and I spent more time in the gym and on the treadmill (but also moving more towards strength training as opposed to cardio as my workout), it was still my one and only. We did COSI, the zoo, grocery store, Boston, and just about everything inbetween with that bad boy. So the day I found out we were expecting twins was the day I realized that my dreams of riding off into the sunset with my youngest child and the BOB were shattered, replaced by... a double stroller? I know I swore against getting one but now that I actually didn't have a choice, I started in on my research and was devastated to see how little options I had for a stroller with two car seat attachments (none of which were the BOB!)
So after doing (ALL THE) research, I settled on the City Select which I was excited for fitting into my new Honda Pilot (a tight squeeze but it fit!). It was a hard choice because you pay for one seat (which costs a lot!) but then you also pay for the second seat and THEN the two car seat adapters (!!) not to mention we ended up getting cupholder/snack trays as well as the roller board for sister (that we never loved but both big kids were constantly fighting over that coveted spot!)... needless to say, it adds up fast. But have you TRIED to push a DOUBLE snap and go stroller? It was impossible to push and maneuver in the store, I cannot imagine with children in it out on sidewalks! The City select was a dream to push around (for a double stroller with two car seats!) and was the only way I made it out of the house so often those first six weeks.
Stroller #4: BABY JOGGER CITY SELECT
Pros:
-5 point harness for the seats, which were super comfortable and could hold both twins when they were little but also my 5/6 year old comfortably.
-could hold two car seats
-many options for variations of car seats and especially the way to face the seats,
-adjustable handlebar,
-amazing maneuverability for a double
-big wheels made it over most surfaces similar to a BOB,
-large underseat compartment could stow a LOT (and did stow a ton of groceries), plus you could access the compartment from any side because of the stretchy fabric.
Cons:
-PRICE. If you haven't noticed a trend by now, some of the most amazing strollers are more expensive, and usually for a reason. That's not to say you couldn't get a good stroller at a cheaper cost, but for the most part you do get what you pay for. And plan on paying (at least) double when you are carrying more than one child. Also because you could load a lot on this stroller (two car seats with babies, toddler on roller board, stuff in basket and the backpack I usually had on the handlebar),
-Instability. We had a couple of times where we overloaded the stroller that it tipped because we did not have the weights balanced.
-Length. It often stuck out much farther than I expected
-a lot of moving parts...for folding up and storage I had to take off both seats and then fold up the frame. once I got the snack trays which I could snap off, it was a LOT of parts to remember to take apart and put back together.
Overall: I would have kept and used this stroller for the rest of the time the twins needed to use it! I recommend it to all my friends with babies close in age or with twins because it was a seamless transition from car seats to regular seats. But I got greedy/antsy because I had that itch to run (and even though this brand is "baby jogger" they do not, in fact, recommend running with this stroller!) and I thought maybe if I could sell this whole thing I could afford the Duallie....
Stroller #5: MACLAREN TWIN TRIUMPH
This stroller is more of an honorable mention since I didn't actually purchase it. It was given to me while I was pregnant with the twins (I think they retail around $200). Despite the fact that the canopy was a disaster (and the bane of my existence), and I hated unbuckling those straps, once the twins were able to sit upright (6-8 months) it was the stroller that I kept in my car at all times for errands, and I saved the City Select for walks around the neighborhood or things like the zoo where they would be in the stroller an extended period of time (because the back support on the Maclaren was the WORST). I only used it for about a year (from the twins months 6-18ish) but I definitely formed a strong opinion on umbrella strollers from it.
Pros:
-it could fit through most doorways easily,
-folded small and quickly,
-was lightweight.
-5 point harness
Cons:
-terrible back support
-canopy was difficult to keep in place (which could have been because it was a few years old, secondhand)
-WORST MANEUVERABILITY EVER. You had to have both hands on both handles which is just not my thing.
-too many wheels. I understand this is part of the double stroller thing, but too many wheels means too difficult to get around because they get stuck in the wrong direction which is a huge pet peeve of mine.
-those straps. I can feel my fingers bleeding just thinking about getting kids buckled and unbuckled. With my psoriasis, this was a HUGE dealbreaker for me.
Overall: This was the only umbrella stroller I ever used. And I finally "got" why people got umbrella strollers! They are quick and light and compact, but I am NOT a fan, probably because I need an all-purpose stroller, one that I can do everything with, and these umbrella strollers are just not that good for more than a few minutes. I would not tell anyone to buy a Maclaren.
So, as most of you well know, few months after the twins turned one I decided to get brave, sell all the parts of my City Select and use that money to buy a BOB Duallie. That was 10 months ago. I had some big dreams to race with the boys and spent most of the summer chasing after my two big kids on their bikes with this bad boy. We fell in love with the BOB all over again and even after I had some issues with my pelvic floor (that I kept trying to ignore because I wanted so badly to get back into running), I continued to enjoy using the BOB for walks.
Stroller #6: BOB REVOLUTION DUALLIE
Pros:
-See same (okay, similar, just bigger) Pro's for the BOB Revolution
-rode like a dream
-fabulous maneuvering
-huge canopy
-big basket
-adjustable handlebars
-off roading!!!
-comfortable and adjustable 5 point harness
-easy one handed fold (for an enormous double jogger!) and snaps together.
Cons:
-PRICE.
-Bulk. I could fit it in the back of my car, but It was not easy. also it was heavy, the heaviest stroller I have had to date. Would I have kept it with a minivan where I wouldn't have had to lift it up so much? I guess we will never know.
Overall: I would definitely recommend this to my running friends. It is worth every penny for a running stroller with twins or even two kids close in age. It is a wonderful stroller, just not "all purpose" for me when I am not even using it for running.
When I sold my Duallie yesterday, I knew exactly which stroller I was going to get next (I even priced my BOB accordingly!). I wanted to get the City Mini. I had tried the GT version with the twins at the store a few weeks before and loved the umbrella stroller-ish-ness of it, while still being supportive structurally enough that it felt like a substantial stroller (which made sense considering the price tag!). But when I actually tried the standard City Mini, I was grossly disappointed. The handlebar was awkward and the wheels were rumbling around even though I was on about as smooth of a surface as I was going to get. So I tried the GT again with the twins and liked it... but did I like it enough to pay $100 more than I was planning on paying for a stroller? Luckily for me, a couple next to me with two kids was also looking at strollers and they were investigating the sit and stands.
When I really thought about it, with these being our last kids, coupled with the fact that they were already almost 2 years old, so we would get at most 2 years use out of it, was it worth it to spend so much money on what I already knew was a nice stroller (just not one that I could justify spending so much when it was not a long term investment)?
And if I was perfectly honest with myself, Lan is really the only one left that NEEDS to be strapped into a stroller, my darling little runner boy. So I started trying out about a half dozen sit and stand strollers (roughly half the price I was planning on spending, so that was also a bonus). Which brought us to...
(disclaimer: we have only had this stroller two days)
Stroller #7: JOOVY CABOOSE ULTRALIGHT
Pros:
-lightweight for a double stroller
-can use with infant carrier (I would have probably gotten this one if the twins had only been one baby, so with two kids close in age)
-"sit" part can be pushed towards the second seat to give more room for the standing part
-generous sized snack tray (some of the ones we looked at were so small!)
-easy one handed fold and locking mechanism means it folds and fits in the back of my Pilot easily
-generous canopy can cover both kids from sun or rain
Cons:
-the handlebar takes some getting used to, it isn't super conducive for pushing forward heavy weight on the stroller, but I suppose time will tell.
-it moves similar to the snap and go (a harsh difference from the BOB!)
-hard to access bottom storage
Overall: After looking through a LOT of similar looking sit and stand style strollers, this one stuck out to me for the pro's I have listed, most of the others just did not do as well in my mind. I only liked one other stroller initially (that was more expensive) but it did NOT have a locking mechanism, which is crazy and a total deal breaker!
___________________________
It is hard to believe that 7 years after buying our first stroller, we are nearly done with strollers. If I had to pick one I loved more than all the others, it was the single BOB revolution, hands-down, even when we had two kids. But the twins were a gamechanger (and the reason why we needed to try out 4 different kinds of strollers in less than two years!) and I am grateful for the experience we had with each of our strollers. They each suited our needs for the time we had them, even with the time was relatively short. It feels good to be on our last stroller, especially as I think about how much I love and look forward to running, biking, and walking with my kids alongside me! My hope is that no one will ever have to go through as many strollers as we have (especially in such a relatively short period of time!) but hopefully one of these stroller reviews will help someone depending on what situation and phase of life they are in. I can certainly imagine 2018 being the year we say goodbye to our final stroller!
**All these opinions are my own, I was not compensated or sponsored to do this post, I just wanted to share my hundreds of hours of research so that other friends and family members can hopefully benefit!**
Friday, January 20, 2017
the twins at 1 year 9 months (and getting some flashbacks from the last two years!)
I was watching "This is Us" the other day, a show that tells a story about a couple who has triplets and you see the story develop as time jumps from the past (before the babies were born, as they were children) to the present (the triplets are adults). There was a scene after the mom of triplets just found out that she was having 3 babies instead of just one, and it has completely thrown a wrench into all their plans of one baby. She sends her husband out for ice cream and she just loses it.
That was me!
How was that only 2 years ago...
It felt like it would become nearly a nightly thing through the latter third of my pregnancy with the twins. I would finally get the big kids to bed and then just collapse, overwhelmed at how worried I was for the babies, while simultaneously worried about how I was barely managing with two kids who were older, how on earth was I supposed to manage double that with the doubling component being infants?! Hours upon hours were spent praying and pleading and searching for answers on how I would survive this and somehow raise these children without completely losing my mind.
On one hand, I was so worried about losing one of the boys, it was actually a relief that the Honda Pilot we wanted would not be available until a month after the twins were due, because it felt superstitious to spend more money than we had ever spent on anything (except our house), especially if there was a chance we would possibly came home with only one baby and then that huge expense would not have been something we actually needed.
On the other hand, I was barely able to manage little d and little a...and they were 3 years apart! I had never had kids close in age and now I was about to have two just minutes apart and they would be barely 2 years apart from her. I still couldn't believe I would have THREE KIDS IN DIAPERS (for nearly 9 months, too!). What if they were identical and I couldn't tell them apart? What if they never slept? What if I wasn't able to breastfeed both of them? What if one cried and I was caring for the other, or worse, if I wasn't able to take care of the big kids because I was so overwhelmed with the babies?! What if I never left my house again because how on EARTH do you leave the house with that many small children?!?!
It is a gosh darn miracle that I (mentally) survived that pregnancy. I have never had so many thoughts and feelings and wishes and dreads coursing through my mind at the same time, all the time. I also didn't know if it would ever end! Would I ever know silence again? Would my house just be a never-ending source of chaos? And of course the ultimate--
How could I possibly love four children as much as I love the two I have right now?
I have to say, having those feelings flood back into my mind as faded memories as opposed to a recent episode of PTSD is a relief. But it has taken me a full two years to get to that point and to be able to talk easily about it.
The first time I laid eyes on my screaming little Landopanda, I fell in love with his chubby cheeks and squishy body. Also I was still in a bit of pain because I swear they nearly pushed my chest into my neck trying to get him out while keeping Lo in. A few minutes later, Lo was in front of me, his face as calm as the sea, the picture of serenity and peace, and I thought to myself, boy do I need one of those peaceful angels in my family and in my life right now!!! Little did I know how wonderful of a baby he would be in the coming months as I battled with Lan's reflux and Little A's tantrums and Little D's teenage moodiness. He was my refuge and my snuggly little sleepy bird for that first postpartum trimester.
Looking back at the first year, I am so glad I was offered (and accepted!) as much help as I did. I was able to recover, to spend time with the big kids, and to take care of myself in a way I would have never been able to do on my own. My parents and family and friends coming over to hold babies or clean house or bring meals or play with the big kids or talk with me or let Drew and I out on a date... IT. WAS. EVERYTHING. I could never have thanked any of them enough.
That being said, I did do plenty on my own. It was hard but I went back to the gym. I made my own meals and I took care of my kids. The babies were of course easy in the beginning and got harder as they got more mobile. Logistically it was hard to manage getting everyone out of the house, or getting anywhere actually (have you ever had to find FOUR PAIRS of anything? It's impossible and I am always short one shoe! or sock! Or glove!), even out the door to just the backyard, but we did it. I survived a year of sleepless nights, teething, crying, and sooooo many diapers. But I am alive. And then I survived yet another year.
The last 9 months have been the craziest of my life. The babies have been walking for most of it, running and jumping and climbing and talking for a better part of that time as well. It has been a huge blessing to see them grow up and get to do more things with them and see their personalities blossom into little individuals we always knew they were (but now other people can notice the difference!). It has also been a challenge... lots of tripping and falling and tears and playing and fighting and biting and hitting and pushing and hugs from mom. But also lots of kisses and snuggles and singing and humming and (more recently) play-doh-ing and voluntarily (meaning I gave them no instruction to do so!!) giving kisses and hugs to each other, like they did last night which just about melted me.
The lows have been crushing and the highs have been staggering. I am trying to get used to that roller coaster that is my life and remind myself that with only 4 teeth to go (Lan!), we are nearly in the home stretch as far as the baby-problems (namely at night) go, which feel appropriate because while I have been calling them toddlers since last year, having my kids turn 2 is always the big turning point for me in feeling like they are no longer babies, especially as they are in their 24 month clothes at this point...after this batch of winter clothes they are in 2T! I can't believe it but I can.
So that is a reeally long way of saying, the twins are one year and 9 months old!!! We are 3 months away from a double dose of the terrible twos, which I will happily take after a year with my 3 year old (and hopefully get a break from her crazy when she turns 4... I remember 4 being a good year for little d at least!).
At 1 year 9 months, the boys are playing together all the time. They are nearly inseparable (except for the small stint of sickness in December where Lan slept with me, and was sleeping most of the time that Lo was awake, Lo even went to nursery once without Lan!) and are constantly getting into all sorts of trouble together.... one twin gets an idea and the other builds off of it. A few days ago (we put their cribs together in such a way that it makes the letter "L" instead of being side by side lengthwise) Lo was crying like crazy at naptime and I went in to find that Lan had somehow pulled him in/Lo had climbed into Lan's crib! Lan loved that but Lo just wanted to go back to his crib, poor guy because Lan was wrestling him like crazy. I don't know if you can rightly say that either boy is a handful but certainly both boys together are quite a dynamic duo! Both are still obsessed with minions, moana and koo koo kangaroo and request the holy trifecta multiple times a day (thank goodness for yourtube and netflix!). Both boys still love sitting on your lap "Lap! Lap!" is the familiar chant, as they bring you books like Llama Llama Red Pajama or ABC's or Hand Hand Fingers Thumb or NO NO YES YES... almost as much as they love tearing up books when you aren't looking (like in the car when they insist on bringing the books with them!!). They wake up before 7 but I don't get them till then (mwahaha!) and they take a 1-2 hour nap after lunch, and I try to get them in bed by 7:30pm.
Lan...
-is very physical. He communicates in BIG kisses, BIG hugs, BIG pushes (and bites and scratching)...all in the name of trying to be silly or make you laugh! He does not have a mean bone in his body. He is truly the personification of a Panda bear, and would not harm a fly on purpose. He is always the first to say "wah-way" (sorry) and hug and kiss the person he has apparently hurt (mostly unbeknownst to him). He reminds me in so many ways of a Great Dane who believes he is a yorkie. (he doesn't know his own strength!)
-Looks significantly shorter than his little brother these days. I wonder if that is the way it will always be. Looking (and being) stockier certainly doesn't help but we do love him for it!
-got a lot of cars for Christmas from us, and some trucks as well. My parents got him some building blocks which he immediately turned a few into the shape of a little blaster and proceeded to "ninja sneak" around the floor with said blaster like a little sniper! It was probably one of the funniest highlights of the day.
-Still willing to try a lot of different kinds of foods. Calls veggie straws french fries but also likes actual french fries.
-Favorite books is Llama Llama Red Pajama (he loves the part where the llama yells MAMA in multiple parts)
-still says "uppie" when he wants me to hold him, which I love
-CALLS LO "GOGO!" WHICH IS MY FAVORITE!
-loves oggling my earrings or jewelry and acting all interested in it...until he reaches over to yank it off of my body, laughing maniacally!
-has really taken a liking to playdoh playing (and not eating!!!) and will do it for quite awhile on his own.
-Still loves taking care of putting away dishes from the dishwasher for me.
-when he has something that is a dirty dish or piece of apple he no longer wants, he chucks it into the sink! quite a parlor trick!!
-goes down the slide every way imaginable... much to my chagrin!
-still trips every time he walks. but less so than a few months ago (and we learned to keep him in bare feet at home)
-says ME when you asks who wants something
-likes to mumble little prayers, parroting what I say and then... a-MEN!
-still loves his panda but also his kitty
Lo....
-is crazy smart. he really figures stuff out. If he wants something you better believe he is going to do everything in his power to make it happen.
-will go down in history in this family for making up a sign for popcorn (pointing with pointer and thumb into the palm of his other hand)
-is probably left handed, since in multiple situations he prefers left over right. although he does still use his right hand often.
-doesn't like to be told to do anything physical like kiss or hug unless he wants to do it.
-his new favorite word is NO!
-He usually signs NO as he says it (usually directed in a reprimanding way towards a sibling or the cat)
-still adores kevin. "A TAT!" he exclaims every time he sees him in the morning.
-favorite book is NO NO YES YES and "reads" it to himself all the time (as he tears off little bits of the board book).
-Loves pockets. He also loves those tiny bouncy balls and loves carrying them around, chucking them away and chasing after them yelling MAH BALL MAH BALL! and then trying to put them in his pocket (or crying that he has no pockets while putting them in his waistband)
-Always asks for a "NNack" and rarely eats anything more than fruit at meals. Good thing he is still drinking whole milk or he would have wasted away by now!
-like balancing on Drew. Like standing on his daddy's stomach. without holding your hands! That boy is brave or crazy or both.
-says I DO!!! when he wants to do or have something
-says hi and waves to just about everyone and every thing.
-still loves birds. and talks to them.
-refers to phones as HELLO! (uses as a noun)
-has started throwing out sentences! DAD HOME? MOANA HAPPY! I HOLD CAT! (I love it!)
I could write about my boys all day... they are always doing things that make me deliriously happy or drive me completely off the wall at any given moment in my life but I am so so happy they are mine and I love them so much! I don't often use my time (because it is SUPER time consuming to sit down and blog this much) but I am glad that on weeks like the last few weeks when I have been able to sit down and really think about my children, and how incredible and unique they are, I am so glad that I did.
And let's be honest... they will probably always be "the babies" in this family, and I'm okay with that.
That was me!
How was that only 2 years ago...
It felt like it would become nearly a nightly thing through the latter third of my pregnancy with the twins. I would finally get the big kids to bed and then just collapse, overwhelmed at how worried I was for the babies, while simultaneously worried about how I was barely managing with two kids who were older, how on earth was I supposed to manage double that with the doubling component being infants?! Hours upon hours were spent praying and pleading and searching for answers on how I would survive this and somehow raise these children without completely losing my mind.
On one hand, I was so worried about losing one of the boys, it was actually a relief that the Honda Pilot we wanted would not be available until a month after the twins were due, because it felt superstitious to spend more money than we had ever spent on anything (except our house), especially if there was a chance we would possibly came home with only one baby and then that huge expense would not have been something we actually needed.
On the other hand, I was barely able to manage little d and little a...and they were 3 years apart! I had never had kids close in age and now I was about to have two just minutes apart and they would be barely 2 years apart from her. I still couldn't believe I would have THREE KIDS IN DIAPERS (for nearly 9 months, too!). What if they were identical and I couldn't tell them apart? What if they never slept? What if I wasn't able to breastfeed both of them? What if one cried and I was caring for the other, or worse, if I wasn't able to take care of the big kids because I was so overwhelmed with the babies?! What if I never left my house again because how on EARTH do you leave the house with that many small children?!?!
It is a gosh darn miracle that I (mentally) survived that pregnancy. I have never had so many thoughts and feelings and wishes and dreads coursing through my mind at the same time, all the time. I also didn't know if it would ever end! Would I ever know silence again? Would my house just be a never-ending source of chaos? And of course the ultimate--
How could I possibly love four children as much as I love the two I have right now?
I have to say, having those feelings flood back into my mind as faded memories as opposed to a recent episode of PTSD is a relief. But it has taken me a full two years to get to that point and to be able to talk easily about it.
The first time I laid eyes on my screaming little Landopanda, I fell in love with his chubby cheeks and squishy body. Also I was still in a bit of pain because I swear they nearly pushed my chest into my neck trying to get him out while keeping Lo in. A few minutes later, Lo was in front of me, his face as calm as the sea, the picture of serenity and peace, and I thought to myself, boy do I need one of those peaceful angels in my family and in my life right now!!! Little did I know how wonderful of a baby he would be in the coming months as I battled with Lan's reflux and Little A's tantrums and Little D's teenage moodiness. He was my refuge and my snuggly little sleepy bird for that first postpartum trimester.
Looking back at the first year, I am so glad I was offered (and accepted!) as much help as I did. I was able to recover, to spend time with the big kids, and to take care of myself in a way I would have never been able to do on my own. My parents and family and friends coming over to hold babies or clean house or bring meals or play with the big kids or talk with me or let Drew and I out on a date... IT. WAS. EVERYTHING. I could never have thanked any of them enough.
That being said, I did do plenty on my own. It was hard but I went back to the gym. I made my own meals and I took care of my kids. The babies were of course easy in the beginning and got harder as they got more mobile. Logistically it was hard to manage getting everyone out of the house, or getting anywhere actually (have you ever had to find FOUR PAIRS of anything? It's impossible and I am always short one shoe! or sock! Or glove!), even out the door to just the backyard, but we did it. I survived a year of sleepless nights, teething, crying, and sooooo many diapers. But I am alive. And then I survived yet another year.
The last 9 months have been the craziest of my life. The babies have been walking for most of it, running and jumping and climbing and talking for a better part of that time as well. It has been a huge blessing to see them grow up and get to do more things with them and see their personalities blossom into little individuals we always knew they were (but now other people can notice the difference!). It has also been a challenge... lots of tripping and falling and tears and playing and fighting and biting and hitting and pushing and hugs from mom. But also lots of kisses and snuggles and singing and humming and (more recently) play-doh-ing and voluntarily (meaning I gave them no instruction to do so!!) giving kisses and hugs to each other, like they did last night which just about melted me.
The lows have been crushing and the highs have been staggering. I am trying to get used to that roller coaster that is my life and remind myself that with only 4 teeth to go (Lan!), we are nearly in the home stretch as far as the baby-problems (namely at night) go, which feel appropriate because while I have been calling them toddlers since last year, having my kids turn 2 is always the big turning point for me in feeling like they are no longer babies, especially as they are in their 24 month clothes at this point...after this batch of winter clothes they are in 2T! I can't believe it but I can.
So that is a reeally long way of saying, the twins are one year and 9 months old!!! We are 3 months away from a double dose of the terrible twos, which I will happily take after a year with my 3 year old (and hopefully get a break from her crazy when she turns 4... I remember 4 being a good year for little d at least!).
At 1 year 9 months, the boys are playing together all the time. They are nearly inseparable (except for the small stint of sickness in December where Lan slept with me, and was sleeping most of the time that Lo was awake, Lo even went to nursery once without Lan!) and are constantly getting into all sorts of trouble together.... one twin gets an idea and the other builds off of it. A few days ago (we put their cribs together in such a way that it makes the letter "L" instead of being side by side lengthwise) Lo was crying like crazy at naptime and I went in to find that Lan had somehow pulled him in/Lo had climbed into Lan's crib! Lan loved that but Lo just wanted to go back to his crib, poor guy because Lan was wrestling him like crazy. I don't know if you can rightly say that either boy is a handful but certainly both boys together are quite a dynamic duo! Both are still obsessed with minions, moana and koo koo kangaroo and request the holy trifecta multiple times a day (thank goodness for yourtube and netflix!). Both boys still love sitting on your lap "Lap! Lap!" is the familiar chant, as they bring you books like Llama Llama Red Pajama or ABC's or Hand Hand Fingers Thumb or NO NO YES YES... almost as much as they love tearing up books when you aren't looking (like in the car when they insist on bringing the books with them!!). They wake up before 7 but I don't get them till then (mwahaha!) and they take a 1-2 hour nap after lunch, and I try to get them in bed by 7:30pm.
Lan...
-is very physical. He communicates in BIG kisses, BIG hugs, BIG pushes (and bites and scratching)...all in the name of trying to be silly or make you laugh! He does not have a mean bone in his body. He is truly the personification of a Panda bear, and would not harm a fly on purpose. He is always the first to say "wah-way" (sorry) and hug and kiss the person he has apparently hurt (mostly unbeknownst to him). He reminds me in so many ways of a Great Dane who believes he is a yorkie. (he doesn't know his own strength!)
-Looks significantly shorter than his little brother these days. I wonder if that is the way it will always be. Looking (and being) stockier certainly doesn't help but we do love him for it!
-got a lot of cars for Christmas from us, and some trucks as well. My parents got him some building blocks which he immediately turned a few into the shape of a little blaster and proceeded to "ninja sneak" around the floor with said blaster like a little sniper! It was probably one of the funniest highlights of the day.
-Still willing to try a lot of different kinds of foods. Calls veggie straws french fries but also likes actual french fries.
-Favorite books is Llama Llama Red Pajama (he loves the part where the llama yells MAMA in multiple parts)
-still says "uppie" when he wants me to hold him, which I love
-CALLS LO "GOGO!" WHICH IS MY FAVORITE!
-loves oggling my earrings or jewelry and acting all interested in it...until he reaches over to yank it off of my body, laughing maniacally!
-has really taken a liking to playdoh playing (and not eating!!!) and will do it for quite awhile on his own.
-Still loves taking care of putting away dishes from the dishwasher for me.
-when he has something that is a dirty dish or piece of apple he no longer wants, he chucks it into the sink! quite a parlor trick!!
-goes down the slide every way imaginable... much to my chagrin!
-still trips every time he walks. but less so than a few months ago (and we learned to keep him in bare feet at home)
-says ME when you asks who wants something
-likes to mumble little prayers, parroting what I say and then... a-MEN!
-still loves his panda but also his kitty
Lo....
-is crazy smart. he really figures stuff out. If he wants something you better believe he is going to do everything in his power to make it happen.
-will go down in history in this family for making up a sign for popcorn (pointing with pointer and thumb into the palm of his other hand)
-is probably left handed, since in multiple situations he prefers left over right. although he does still use his right hand often.
-doesn't like to be told to do anything physical like kiss or hug unless he wants to do it.
-his new favorite word is NO!
-He usually signs NO as he says it (usually directed in a reprimanding way towards a sibling or the cat)
-still adores kevin. "A TAT!" he exclaims every time he sees him in the morning.
-favorite book is NO NO YES YES and "reads" it to himself all the time (as he tears off little bits of the board book).
-Loves pockets. He also loves those tiny bouncy balls and loves carrying them around, chucking them away and chasing after them yelling MAH BALL MAH BALL! and then trying to put them in his pocket (or crying that he has no pockets while putting them in his waistband)
-Always asks for a "NNack" and rarely eats anything more than fruit at meals. Good thing he is still drinking whole milk or he would have wasted away by now!
-like balancing on Drew. Like standing on his daddy's stomach. without holding your hands! That boy is brave or crazy or both.
-says I DO!!! when he wants to do or have something
-says hi and waves to just about everyone and every thing.
-still loves birds. and talks to them.
-refers to phones as HELLO! (uses as a noun)
-has started throwing out sentences! DAD HOME? MOANA HAPPY! I HOLD CAT! (I love it!)
I could write about my boys all day... they are always doing things that make me deliriously happy or drive me completely off the wall at any given moment in my life but I am so so happy they are mine and I love them so much! I don't often use my time (because it is SUPER time consuming to sit down and blog this much) but I am glad that on weeks like the last few weeks when I have been able to sit down and really think about my children, and how incredible and unique they are, I am so glad that I did.
And let's be honest... they will probably always be "the babies" in this family, and I'm okay with that.
Friday, November 18, 2016
WARNING: this post is not what you think it is.
Nope, not a pregnancy announcement. NOT.
That was a month ago. And honestly, it was also a year ago (although I will admit I AM much stronger and well rested than I was a year ago!) and it's also how I look and feel now.
a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine offered a deal where you sent her some information about yourself and could get a Macro count. Every time I try to "eat better" I end up counting calories, which I hate. Because I am short and I am not massively overweight, most formulas have me eating 1200 calories a day (which is the minimal most people are ever supposed to eat. depressing right? also I eat way more than that and while I have not lost weight, I also have not gained weight either, so, for whatever that's worth). So I got interested in Macro counting, where you keep track instead of calories, of the grams of protein, carbs, and fats in your diet. Which sounds like a lot of work but once she gave me my count, it turned into a game (sort of like the fitbit was for me, and still is, a year ago). I got the premium version of MFP for a month, and every night I would plug in what I would eat the next day, playing with amounts and different foods until I tweaked it just right to hit my macros. Because I am not awesome at the nutrition aspect of my life (and because it's usually a lot easier to shovel down a handful of crackers when I am hungry instead of searching for something with more nutritional value), there's been a lot I have had to adjust from what I had planned the day before. Sometimes I hit my goals, but more often than not, for the last 3 weeks, I have not.
BUT.
I am still tracking what I eat (which is hard and also a bit embarrassing), and owning up to it. My mindset of "I ate xyz now I just have to eat everything else I can find" has changed. I have a clearer picture of why I have looked much the same way for the last year despite being consistent with my workouts... but to be honest, that's because the workout is the easiest part. It's never been negotiable (unless I or the kids are sick), and it takes up such a small part of my day and then it's over. The food part is... MUCH harder, mostly due to the fact that as much as I would like to eat a few small meals over the course of the day, I usually go WAY too long without food and then eat everything the moment those kids are taking naps or in bed (have YOU ever had to try to eat when 4 small children are standing in their booster seats and throwing food and spilling drinks on purpose? It is CRAZY!). Like everything else in my life, I am obviously trying (although I need to be trying harder). I am a work in progress, and while I have no experience in nutrition education (other that what I read about), I am learning a lot along the way.
Like my whole post-workout protein powder debacle last year, where I begged my friends to tell me what was the best to try. One of our friends in Utah actually sent me some sort of Brownie flavored one and of the dozen or so that I tried, it was THE BEST. and I will have to remember what brand it was when we go out there.... Anyway, most protein powders are weird and smell and taste funny (aside from the one I mentioned, that I easily had with just water and it was like drinking a brownie, I kid you not!), so I have been searching for and trying alternatives for that post-workout time.
Obviously, my first choice goes to that Brownie protein powder, since I could put it in my blenderbottle and then add water right after a workout. Fast. Easy. The only other alternatives I found were making Lara-bar knockoffs (lots of nuts and dried fruit) or trail mixes but they never had enough protein for me (and I read that too much fat blocks absorption of protein post workout?). Since I ran out of that, I just focus on getting water after a workout and settle for grabbing something at home as soon as we get back from the gym. Which is usually close enough to my kids lunchtime (11) so I eat a lighter lunch. Then about two hours later (when I am starving again), my go-to has been this amazing combo of Okios Zero (15g of protein) and hemp hearts. I first heard about HH from michelle and figured I would give it a try since while it did have 10 grams of fat, it also had a whopping 10g of protein in 3 tablespoons! It gives me the crunchiness I need in my yogurt (I have never been a huge fan of granola but I have a hard time eating just straight up yogurt...texture issues residual from the last pregnancy I guess!) and while it doesn't have the best smell (it smells like grass to be honest), it doesn't mess up the flavor of the greek yogurt and even my kids like it.
I know I posted this earlier this week, but I feel like it's worth posting again (mostly to combat the pregnant-looking belly picture) because THIS is how I feel most of the time: strong. empowered. The other day little a asked me to move something I would not possibly be able to do on my own (new kitchen table) and when I told her I would need someone to help me, she replied with, "No you don't. You can do it! You're a big strong mommy with your big muscles like GRRR!" and proceeded to flex. I don't think I have ever felt more proud of myself or the example I am trying to set for my daughter, that being strong and capable is more important than trying to fit into your favorite pair of pre-baby jeans. But that doesn't mean I give up on the jeans dream!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Last night I got a coveted 4 hours and 28 minutes of uninterrupted sleep
For the first three months, the boys could barely make it to 3 hour stretches of sleep at a time.
Allow me to clarify...
My boys since about 8 weeks have slept from approximately 9pm to 6am. That is, I put them to bed, and if they wake up they nurse and go back to sleep. Some would consider this "sleeping through the night", and indeed it is something that I look forward to from the moment I have birthed any of my babies: it means they know when it is nighttime and accept nighttime sleep. However, the transition from waking up every few hours to going at least a good 6 hour stretch without waking is something that my babies seem to take nearly a year to get ahold of. So yes, I can be in my bed technically from 9pm to 6am with "only" having to wake every 3 hours. But most of the time I end up going to be after their late night feeding (usually around 11:30 pm JUST so that I can ONLY have to wake up twice: at the 2/3 am feeding and the 6/7am feeding). Sure, hypothetically speaking I could try to go to bed a few hours earlier but the thought of having to pull myself out of bed one extra time at night is usually my reasoning for not wanting to try that method.
Between months 3 and 4 we had two nights in a row where we got to just over 3.5 hours and I was thrilled. Now that we have FINALLY made it past that 4 hour mark, I'm praying we hit it at least one more time before they got 5 months. FIVE MONTHS? I cannot believe they will be five months this month. But as hesitant as I am to allow them to continue growing up so fast, I could really use the extra sleep that comes with having an older baby (or two), so I am trying to appreciate the growth, and hopefully by their first birthdays I will be more mom than zombie (one can only hope).
Allow me to clarify...
My boys since about 8 weeks have slept from approximately 9pm to 6am. That is, I put them to bed, and if they wake up they nurse and go back to sleep. Some would consider this "sleeping through the night", and indeed it is something that I look forward to from the moment I have birthed any of my babies: it means they know when it is nighttime and accept nighttime sleep. However, the transition from waking up every few hours to going at least a good 6 hour stretch without waking is something that my babies seem to take nearly a year to get ahold of. So yes, I can be in my bed technically from 9pm to 6am with "only" having to wake every 3 hours. But most of the time I end up going to be after their late night feeding (usually around 11:30 pm JUST so that I can ONLY have to wake up twice: at the 2/3 am feeding and the 6/7am feeding). Sure, hypothetically speaking I could try to go to bed a few hours earlier but the thought of having to pull myself out of bed one extra time at night is usually my reasoning for not wanting to try that method.
Between months 3 and 4 we had two nights in a row where we got to just over 3.5 hours and I was thrilled. Now that we have FINALLY made it past that 4 hour mark, I'm praying we hit it at least one more time before they got 5 months. FIVE MONTHS? I cannot believe they will be five months this month. But as hesitant as I am to allow them to continue growing up so fast, I could really use the extra sleep that comes with having an older baby (or two), so I am trying to appreciate the growth, and hopefully by their first birthdays I will be more mom than zombie (one can only hope).
Just yesterday, little d was asking if I would have another baby sometime soon... He quickly corrected himself and said "I don't want you to be big and full of baby anymore. I want a mommy that can run around and play soccer with me instead."
Not too many things in life that I can guarantee for this boy... But that is one of them.
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