the end of a crazy year of whole30's

I don't know if there was a single month this year that I was not doing a full whole30 or attempting one... I owe this in part to my controlling OCD Type A personality that was trying to use the whole30 to cope with a number of silly things. Ultimately, I am grateful for that journey since the last quarter of 2018 I have found a newer, more challenging but ultimately more compassionate and long-term path, called "Intuitive Eating" and "Health at Every Size". I am still working my way through the reading and the processing of it all, but hopefully that will be a  post for next year. While some things resonated with me very much during my whole30 endeavors (like Just Eating Real Food, not measuring what you eat, and not using food as a coping mechanism), ultimately becoming a whole30 coach (which was my initial goal for 2018) did not seem like the right path for me because I do no believe in it as a lifestyle.

I am grateful for all my whole30s and the recipes I have found and continue to find as I embark on this different path, grateful for the lessons/insights I have learned, I do think that doing a whole30 is a lifechanging experience and has the potential to teach you so much about yourself, but I do not think it is the only way. There have been a lot of unexpected changes this year, including a paradigm shift for me. For the first time in I can't remember how long, 2019 will be a year that weight loss is not a goal at all for me (which it always has been, either secretly or not so secretly, my entire adult life), not because I don't feel the need to lose weight but because I am slowly but surely opening myself up to realizing that making less of me is insignificant to what I could be creating by bringing more of me to the table. An unfortunate side effect of so many whole30 attempts (most lasting 1-3 weeks) is my obsession with meals and food, which I have not quite recovered from the opposite of that. I am looking forward to sometime hopefully in the near future finding a joy in cooking food I love again that does not border on obsession (mostly because food and making it was on my mind 24-7 because I was usually cooking everything from scratch!) but can still be healthy for myself and my family.

Because ultimately the crazy psoriasis that covered my whole body eventually went away and I don't know why. The super dry part of my scalp doesn't bother me anymore. My hands are (knock on wood) still (going on a year!!) whole and without open wounds. I still have diastasis that makes me look eternally 4 months pregnant, and I know and accept that it won't go away without surgery.

So that's about all I have to say as I close this chapter of whole30-ing in persuit of something "more". More time spent with my family, more time doing stuff away from the kitchen and more joy in my life.

#whole30 R4D11: the day most people tend to quit (!) ...also R4D12 and 13 (where we finally go out to dinner at a restaurant!)

I read this post the other day and it made me laugh so hard! I really truly thought "never again" to another whole30. Just over two years later here I am doing my 4th one! (and I won't even get into the 2-3 week mini whole30 attempts I have made inbetween!) Whole30, I just cannot quit you! Probably because of all the lessons I learn. And relearn (!). Also I probably should have read this article before my first whole30, er, 15.

What is CRAZY is that I really, truly did not think I saw a difference in my hands.
Look at how they looked here when I started!! 
Then go back to this post at the end of the 30 days.
UNBELIEVABLE. Thankfully, my hands have never looked that bad since (knock on wood of course, and I certainly credit taking a break from Crossfit as helping a lot in that aspect since it did destroy my hands on a daily basis)

But this psoriasis on my body business. It is driving me crazy!! I just have to remind myself that it gets worse (and it defintely is!) before it gets better. I am toying with the idea (not happily, I might add) of extending my whole30 if my skin does not clear up by day 30. Because then how will I know if it is sugar or dairy or gluten that is causing the inflammation if I never got it down in the first place? I know I mentioned the AIP diet, which I do NOT have ANY desire to do (because....potatoes!!!! salsa!) but I am withholding judgement for another 19 days on whether or not I need to resort to that. my body is itchy but not all the time, and not so much that it interferes with working out or regular day to day activity, which is always my gauge for interference (like the armpit psoriasis that let to my July whole30! I remember skipping MULTIPLE days at the gym because sweating made me cry with pain!), and I am really hoping to not get to that point. (It's gone in my armpits and the stuff I have on my midsection is not painful just looks bad, by the way).

Thursday-R4D11 started off really well actually... the last of the steak (Which I need to make more of ASAP), and poke salad x2. I had had a bad dream the night before where I ate ALL the NON compliant food and woke up with ALL THE GUILT but not being in the kitchen much longer than how long it took me to nuke my food really made all the difference.

 as much as I was "meh" about the soup, it is really nice to have a filling way to add some veggies (and warm soup makes my life when the weather gets cold and I don't want salads!) so I am trying to research some new ones. The slight hint of mint in this rxbar (which uses cacao chips which is straight up chocolate no sugar, and tastes bitter and not good at all on its own BTW... any chips that fall are left uneaten by me!)

R4D12- Friday morning means baconnnnnn. Which i enjoyed this meal but then was left wanting so I had some more soup!

 lunch I was not feeling well and I was out so I grabbed a bar and an apple and some nuts and that's all I could stomach for lunch (that time of the month!) but I made up for it in dinner after I made this chili and then ate all the kids chili leftovers too! Celery makes a half decent sub for chips in whole30.

 Saturday- R4D13 started off with poke and honestly I was glad to be rid of it... I am over poke for awhile. Lunch was super delicious and I wish I had more of those purple potatoes!!!

 Dinner was kind of a big deal.... full disclosure I HATE going out to eat on whole30. I hate being that picky person that is asking all the questions about everything and their sides to figure out what has sugar in it just to end up with a bland chicken breast with steamed unseasoned vegetables and a side of avocado...no thanks! I know 100% I can make something WAY more delicious and it will cost way less money, so on whole30 I only end up eating out when I "have" to.

My parents are in town this week and offered to watch the kids so we can go out to eat and Drew responded with  something to the effect of "Ruth can't go out to eat when she's on whole30" and that's when I knew a tiny part of me had failed in my whole30 attempts. After minimal research I found Abergine, which we had been to a couple times before (Drew had actually introduced it to me last year). I was so impressed by the fact that the dressings were dairy free and made with cashews that I knew we had to try it over 5 guys burgers (a close second choice) and chipotle salads (a distant 3rd because I love those tortillas and miss them too much). I got the tri-tip salad with no cheese and a side of roasted sweet potatoes (such a good compliment to the spicy jalapeno cilantro dressing on the salad).

The last few days I have felt a bit like I have been "coasting" on whole30, everything has been good but this evening was a struggle because it was the last day of Crumbl's muddy buddy cookie and I was pretty tempted to quit because how could I say no to that?! BUT. I reminded myself how terrible I would feel physically after a giant cookie (because I always do!) and psychologically from breaking a promise to myself (I am only halfway!). I compromised and decided that instead of continuing to alienate myself from Drew (since our typical date nights usually revolve around treats, which has been a struggle the last few months), they had a "nice cream", which was made with no sugar or dairy (just dates and pure vanilla and cocoa and cashews) and I asked Drew if he wanted to split it with me, adding in some almonds for crunch, almond butter (since he's the chocolate-peanut butter king!) and strawberries and we both loved it! He asked me twice before we ordered if this was within the guidelines so we could avoid another smoothie incident, and I assured him all of the ingredients were whole30 complaint. Was it something I would have all the time? Not at all. Was it within my Food Freedom to do so, making for a not-completely-perfect but still perfectly compliant whole30 for me? Definitely yes. One of the things Melissa Hartwig mentioned in our Q&A was letting "good enough" be good enough. Do I make a LOT of my own compliant dressings, marinades, and meals? YES. Do I need to cut myself some slack and be okay with an assortment of snacklike things when I am in an emergency or too exhausted to make a meal from scratch? Yes.

 And mostly today I feel a huge sense of accomplishment in knowing that I did not need this to complete my Saturday date night <3 two weeks tomorrow!!

#whole30 R4D10

Day 10 feels like a roller coaster.... I have spent most of the last two days in the kitchen prepping and making meals/food for a number of things (salad group, dinner, baby shower stuff) and I am SO over the kitchen. I am taking tomorrow "off" from the kitchen, since I currently have a nice little fridge full of pre-made leftovers (yay!) Breakfast and lunch both included my beloved steak but dinner was a new sort of beast to me....

 (augh also the snacking with all the fruit leathers and grapes I have had around! good thing is they are all nearly gone.... also those roasted purple sweet potatoes were amazing!)

Drumroll please.... I MADE A POKE SALAD. Yup, raw (sushi grade) yellowtail fish (!!!!) I marinaded and then I ATE IT RAW and you know what?? It was really good with the mango and avocado and cucumber... it just needed a little extra ranch since most of the marinade sort of melted into the fish. Conquering my fears one meal at a time!

There was apple pie and this amazing warm mexican chicken salad-dip that I was dying to try at the Baby shower tonight. It helped a lot to chat with some of the girls there that had done whole30 (and everyone knows I am on one!) so I had no desire to break my whole30. But the hardest day, the day most people quit is tomorrow so I am bracing myself for that and planning on staying out of the kitchen except during mealtimes. I will slay this sugar dragon once and for all! Rawr!

#whole30 R4 days 2-9

So... to say I was a bit discouraged about resetting my reset two weeks into it was an understatement. So I just buckled down to get the first week (always the worst week, hardest week) under my belt and while I am still working on the amount of food I eat at each meal (too little in the first half of the day because I am not hungry, too much the second half of the day because lay off me I'm starving.

Nevertheless, I persisted.

Every day has not been perfect (cough, fruit is my achilles tendon) but every day has been compliant, and quitting is not the option. Even though the rash on my sides has spread to my midsection and back, I am confident in my decision to eat the best I can for the duration of this round of whole30 because I feels so good (most of the time), I am sleeping so much better, my brain is no longer in the "mommy brain" fog cloud and I feel more alive than I do when I am eating off whole30, and this round will be the round I figure out why, and what foods cause the sleeplessness, headaches, etc.

I usually cook 1-2 things a day from scratch, so that I can manage a day here and there to not have to cook at all (leftovers FTW!).

R4D2-tuesday: roasted veggies and spiralized some sweet potatoes monday so I could use them in my meals with eggs (easy), chicken sausage (so easy!) and tuna in a salad (!).

 R4D3-weds was a costco trip so a lot of the same with too many fruit leathers and still trying to eat my way through all the tomatoes from my neighbors garden!

But... I did make some "chicken nuggets" with sauce for Drew and I. The kids love them too but lets be honest, they are just as happy eating the regular frozen kind!

R4D4 Thursday was salad for breakfast (!) which is what happens when I buy the mixed greens at costco and luck into some tessamaes ranch at the store too. lunch with the littles meant they wanted me to eat on one of their plates which is great for portion control but not awesome for salads! I made plantain chips which were super yummy but soo much effort for lasting no more than 24 hours ;) which I had for a snack with the rest of the bang bang shrimp I made on monday and then I had to run out to the kids soccer games so a complaint hot dog with a smattering of snacks was all I had time for.

 R4D5 Friday which means bacon!!!!

 we had lunch at Drew's work and this was what I brought... turkey and cheese sandwiches  and gogurts for the kids, salads for Drew and I and carrots and guac and clementines and nuts to share.

 Dinner was a little on the lame side but we were heading out to the kids school carnival and I wanted to make sure I had some food in my system, figuring I could just grab more food for dinner if I was really that hungry after (it ended around 7, and I wasn't hungry when we got back)

 R4D6 Saturday...Breakfast was GLORIOUS freshly made potato hash browns, crisp bacon on top of scrambles eggs and salad and an apple. I wasn't hungry first thing so we went to the kids soccer games and then I just did a late brunch. Lunch was more roasted veggies, shrimp, and the hash browns (which turn black almost immediately after doing them?! what's up with that). I made mashed potatoes since I had a few mashed potatoes

 so much snacking today but man do I love those cuties!

R4D7 Sunday I was fasting so this was my only meal... it was ground beef with taco seasoning and it was heaven! Everyone else made tacos with tortillas but I will be honest I think my concoction was the best!

 R4D8 Monday I woke up not hungry (this happens)... so bacon was my only motivator to eat! that of course swung in the entirely opposite direction by mid afternoon when I got home from costco...too many fruit leathers later I finally got a salad down and made everyone pork (microwaveable from costco!) and hash browns (Theirs was some store bought one Drew has had for awhile) for dinner.

 I had been wanting to make this broccoli kale soup for awhile from the fast and easy cookbook and it was okay. Thanks to the blendtec the texture is always perfectly smooth but I was not wild about the flavors. I will eat it all but probably won't make it again.

 R4D9 Tuesday...yup that is soup from last night in my cup! Easy breakfast nice and quick way to get some fats and veggies without a salad!

 I also got grapes at costco... I LOVE grapes so I had them at every meal and for snacks. The good news is they are gone and the bad news is I ate most of the 4 pounds of grapes in 24 hours. Snack was necessary (since looking back I did not eat much for lunch). I made the charred onion steak salad for my salad swap group so that is what I had with dinner with the add on of soup and some more hash browns.

tomorrow I am 1/3 of the way "there"! woo hoo!

#whole30 R4D1

As I mentioned a few posts ago, Sunday night was not my best and I accidentally ate some sugar, so a redo is in order. My day 15 is now my day 1. Whomp wommmmmmp. But the best part of starting from scratch without totally throwing caution to the wind is that I didn't have the usual headache or sluggishness that follows the first few days of whole30. Although I do feel bloated today...maybe it's because of all the fruit the last few days (esp raisins!)?

Already over it! Leftover burgers from last night really hit the spot for meal 1 (breakfast!) as I still try to take it easy on the eggs in case they are a trigger for my psoriasis flareups. I was also trying to avoid fruit today, mostly because if I do then I end up eating more veggies and right now I have a lot more veggies than fruits in my fridge and I need to use them all before they go bad!

 ^^ above was actually dinner, bang bang shrimp

with roast veggies and tomatoes from a neighbors

garden with balsamic. also my lacroix that I

forgot to drink at lunch!

and lunchtime I was SO hungry! hence the overflowing plate and the addition of almond butter (crunchy!) and celery. But it kept me feeling happy and full right up until dinnertime without snacking so it worked its magic! Sidenote: I did workout today, and I will say that typically I try to sneak in a small 4th meal into my day to assist in my post workout recovery, but honestly I only really make the effort to do that when I do cycle classes or a long period of cardio, since the other days with strength training I don't feel like I really need the extra calories (just extra water!).

I feel good today, lots of energy and ready for what the next 29 days will bring!

Whole30 Round 4, Day 1 in the books!

#Septemberwhole30 day 10... the day I almost quit (!!)

I woke up feeling really good for the first time in two weeks. This mornings breakfast was worth the 30 extra minutes it took me to bake those slices of potatoes...SUCH a yummy combo with the guac and fajitas. Lunch was salmon from last night which was so dry so I added some homemade magic ranch and had a side salad with the potatoes and broccoli. I was starving after my workout this morning and have gotten into the (probably terrible) habit of not eating immediately after my workout, but waiting an hour or so and just eating a bigger lunch so I can eat with the kids (who eat at 11/1130am and I usually get out of the gym at 10).

 Came home from running some errands in the afternoon to the last (!) banana/piece of fruit in the house! Gasp... that pretty much never happens. We ALWAYS have fruit in the house, even if it is just a fruit cup (we do have three of those left but I am sure the kids will eat them tomorrow!). Dinner was super time intensive (crockpot chicken in the crockpot all day and then an hour to bake potatoes) but I really enjoyed the twice baked potatoes and cannot wait to have them for breakfast tomorrow!

Okay so this afternoon/early evening I hit a bit of a rough/emotional patch.... I was really upset about something (Which was not a huge deal but I blew it out of proportion) and I started stewing and threatening out loud to quit whole30 right that second. I had limited options for dealing with my feelings because I had things going on tonight I needed to do, and so my first thought was "Graeters ice cream is the only thing that is going to make this better". I am so so grateful that the only ice cream we have in the house is gross cheap pb cup ice cream (Sorry, drew, but it is not a temptation to me at all!) because having to make that extra trip to the store to buy it is probably the most important thing to keep me from breaking with my whole30.  Also knowing that I already have accountability here on this blog helped a LOT.

Processing feelings is really really hard. Especially when they are difficult feelings, some of which you don't even know what to do with. And while I didn't handle it in the best way I knew how (which would have been to walk out of the kitchen and not look back), I did eat some of those plantain chips (before finally tossing them in the trash), and an RxBar (Chocolate hazelnut, compliant but not recommended if it tips your sugar dragon), did some heavy crying/praying and talking out loud, and then just did what I needed to get done tonight. Getting my mind off of it really helped (art of distraction!) and helped clear my head in the best way.

Was today perfect? No. But did I stay on the compliant path? YES. And thankfully because I know my body/brain pretty well at this point, I knew that sometimes settling for something that is not the best option is still better than throwing in the towel completely.

I am not perfect. I say that whole30s are easier than Food Freedom because they are...they are black and white, cut and dry, eat this not that, etc. But I am trying to remember lessons like this that I can take from my whole30 experience and use it past day 31 to my benefit.

Also it should be noted that I have a lot of non-compliant things at my house (some that are temptations, some that are not) that probably need to be weeded out of my house over the course of the next few weeks... sorry not sorry kiddos! It is SO much easier for me to say no to something that is so far away than to say no to something that is so terribly convenient and right in my hiding place in the pantry ;)

Day 11 here I come!