2018 has been hard. Like, surprisingly difficult in ways I was not expecting. Parenting is hard. I really thought a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders with it being the first full year of not having to worry about getting pregnant, being pregnant, or caring for a newborn. We are "done" with the baby stages and with the potty training of the twins earlier this year (no easy feat to be sure!) I feel like my parenting has come front and center, as in, some days its all I think about, worry about, talk about. Am I doing this right, should I have done this better, am I raising these kids the way I envisioned when they were babies. Coupled with that, this summer has been the first without consistent naps for us. I feel like I am losing my mind most days. While I can (and do love!) playing games with the older kids, or working on stuff with them, I honestly just need a break from them midday, which they hate and all the bribing and threatening in the world doesn't make a difference. So I usually don't bother trying and then I about lose my mind by dinnertime with all the fighting and lack of personal space.
Each year since I had the twins (2015, which was actually my highest number of posts at almost 400!) I have dropped the amount of posting I have done by about 100. And I am not sure that I care that much. I still occasionally take pictures of my kids or what we are doing but not with the same zeal I have in the past. I struggle with being motivated to blog at all, since it is easier to instagram or just send family pictures or videos. I feel like life is passing by so slowly and yet so quickly and I haven't yet got a full grasp of what I am trying to do. There is definitely a part of me that feels lost in who I am. I have been "mom" for 8 years now, growing and raising babies who are no longer babies anymore. They are more independent and that adjustment has been harder and less rewarding than I hoped or expected.
Motherhood looks different with older kids, in a way I am not sure I can fully wrap my head around. I feel like I am making too many mistakes, too often, and that my intent at the start of the day is so bogged down by bedtime that I have lost any sort of progress I feel I have been working to gain. Motherhood with babies and toddlers, looking back, is so easy and simple....lack of sleep, feedings, blowouts, all those things are predictable and solve-able with sleep training, tips on lactation, planning ahead or borrowing from a friend. I loved blogging when the kids were babies because I didn't feel so alone in my journey of young motherhood, as I had friends that would frequently remind me they were experiencing or felt the same way too. This "new" Older-Motherhood is not so open, it is harder in all the worst ways, and it is terribly horribly isolating sometimes. The good times are so good I don't even pause for a moment to think about capturing it on a blog or in a picture. And the hard times... I just pray they are over with fast enough so that I can get to bed and start a new day tomorrow.
Little d is my life support, he is my little 8 year old rock these days. He is always the first one to hug me even when I am so frustrated I don't want to be touched, the one to rally my kids in the car when I have gotten so frustrated with my kids fighting in the car that I spend 15 minutes in the house gathering the courage to get back in the car with them again... rally them to chanting "WE LOVE YOU MOM!" instead of fighting over who gets to climb over whom to sit in the backseat. Some days it feels like all I do is look for ways to hide from my kids, to get a break from the DRAMA, the fights and the mess and chaos and disorder in my house. And then, hours after they are in bed, I regret those missed hours, of not enjoying them enough when they were behaving.
I love my kids. So much. This fall is looming with a big shift in my life and I think this was just the storm before...the calm? chaos? I will go from only one kid in school last year, to all my kids in some sort of school at least two days a week, those two days even overlapping to give me a full 1 hour and 45 minutes to myself twice a week... and no I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, although my kids are convinced I will spending it eating all their good snacks and playing on their tablets. In all seriousness, I know I only have 3 years till they are all in full day school. I am hoping and praying I can find a balance in all this, in trying to be a good mom but also feel like I can be my own person, all without guilt. Is that possible? To have, not all of it, but some of it, and not feel constantly weighed down with guilt?
This is a hard time in my life but I have been through hard things. Although I have not had much to say about this year so far, I think it's because I haven't had the right words and therefore have not felt the need to share. It is so easy to forget how good it feels to write about what weighs me down, but I know it is not my only outlet. My kids and most of my friends will probably be surprised to know that working out, though it is something I do often enough to regard it has a "habit" as opposed to a hobby, is not something I look forward to every day. I always had goals in place, before and after little d it was to run races, before and after my next two pregnancies it was to get stronger and have a healthy pregnancy.... I lack motivation because running is not an option (it will only increase the pain and shorten the time for when I will need to get bunion surgery), crossfit or something of the like with a lot of strength is not an option (because of my abdominal separation which has still not closed), and so there are some days like today where I feel like using the time on the elliptical to catch up on my latest reality TV show (away from my kids) is the only reason I am at the gym. This, like so much of this phase is just that--a phase. I know it will pass, but I am eager to start progressing onto a different path than the one I have been taking for most of this year.
I did my second whole30 this past month (July) and it was so hard and so good and then afterwards I just crashed so hard the last week. I didn't really want to tell anyone what I was doing because I felt it gave me power, and I wasn't wild about the attention it gave me back in January. But it kept me accountable and so I am doing a third round starting tomorrow morning. The reason for my second one was to do it with a friend, but also to help with some new psoriasis I had that cropped up in my armpits... super painful all the time! But the last week even while eating junk food (but no eggs just in case that was what triggered it/made it worse while I was whole30ing!), it mostly cleared with a little help from Borderaux's butt paste of all things! So much for all that money on those steroids! I still have a bit on my knee and the worst on my ankle but on the whole I feel like I have healed that part of me for now... but ever since I went off whole30 I feel like I have been in a fog, tired and restless at the same time and I can't believe I am finding myself craving those clear headed mornings and afternoons and good nights of sleep from my whole30 days. So I am going for my 3rd round of 2018 and hopefully my last... I have new cookbook coming my way which I hope will break me out of my mental and physical rut, as well as with my family at mealtime (SO HARD!). Yes it is easier to give up completely and be okay with having cheese and crackers for dinner (tonight--true story) but it doesn't make me feel good and I know those aren't the habits I want my kids to have.
So how this third round will be different lies in a few things. 1-I won't be having my beloved chips (plantain and mixed potato were my fav with guac) since I know those are not part of the plan anymore. 2-I will be involving my kids in the selecting and making of meals (which I dread since it always makes it take longer but I know I need to do!) as well as Drew, instead of trying to do it on my own. And 3- I will eliminate snacking completely. I found that the days I only ate three meals and nothing in the hours between I FELT THE MOST AMAZING. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be to my family and I can only do that when I feel good, which I have not felt at all in the last week. Finally, 4-I will get the proper amount of sleep and 5-I will embrace my whole30 journey. This last round I held grudges, I got mad at my kids and husband for eating junk in front of me, and I was honestly just as miserable a person on the outside as I currently feel on the inside... which is unfortunate since 5 minutes after I "dealt" with that craving I felt 100% better for taking care of myself in the long term as opposed to a short term deal.
Reading back through this, I completely understand and see how people can see this as a "diet", but it's really not. I wouldn't be back, happily doing it again (but with some tweaks, since each time I do a few adaptations) if it truly made me feel deprived at any point. I love that I can eat all the vegetables and fruit I want, along with some of the best protein and fats sources available to me. I love seeing how my skin glows, my belly bloat slowly goes away, my head is clear all day and I don't have a midday dip in energy where all I want to do is crawl in my bed and sleep for a year. I need energy for this new school year and there is no better time to start making some better habits than the start of a new school year. It is hard for my body to unlearn years of sugar dependency but I know with each reset I am one step closing to making Food Freedom a possibility.
I live a good life, and I know there is much more of it for me to enjoy if I just take the time to step back and appreciate what I have and what lies in wait for me in the future. Big Picture. But the first step is always the hardest so off to bed for me...
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Friday, August 10, 2018
Sunday, May 14, 2017
curtains and complicated feelings
I remember being pregnant with little d and lounging in the pool on mother's day weekend when a thought occurred to me: this was my first mother's day being a mom. I mean, he wasn't inside of me but I could feel him moving around, growing and stretching. Drew and I had an argument about what constituted a "mother" (he thought since I had not yet given birth that it was not, in fact, my first mother's day yet) and thus began a crazy 8 years of complicated feelings towards Mother's Day. All the Mother's days leading up to that time were full of fun memories planning with my sisters a big breakfast for my mom, buying presents and making drawings and coupon books, making dinner and cleaning the house... life was a lot simpler back then.
When I was working on some interior design issues for our new house, a funny memory came to me. I took an interior design class in high school and had to design and make some curtains for my bedroom for a project. At the time, I could have sworn that my mom LOVED those curtains, big draping floor length tulle. Looking back, she was probably just being nice but she never discouraged me. She was always supporting us even when we would cover her precious wallpapered walls with posters from TeenBeat, or when she let Sarah paint the basement EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW (the headaches I would get looking at those walls!) and it looked like a funhouse. My mom is pretty amazing and I need to be more like her. Loving, supportive, and a joy to be around.
I have been very lucky in my life. I have always had a wonderful relationship with my mom and I have been fortunate enough to birth 4 healthy children. But since that "first" mother's day, I have felt very deeply on this day the pain of the loved ones around me struggling with infertility, loss of a parent, strained relations, and this year especially, the deepening tragedy of not being the "best mom".
Two years ago the twins were only a few weeks old and it was my goal to make it back to church in time for Mother's day, mostly because it would mean getting myself and the babies out of the house. Drew got a new (very time intensive) calling that day, and I felt the need for confirmation (which I got) that it was the right move for our family. Last year Drew and I were in Costa Rica while the kids were split between my parents and inlaws here at home. It was nice to be away from the social pressure of motherhood last year, and I almost wish that we could have made the trip this year instead, because I definitely need it more this year than ever.
Motherhood has been overbearing, overwhelming, over-everything lately and I have not been doing a great job at it. This is not me being pessimistic, this is me being honest and real. I do not need or want any sympathy or reassurance, I just want to put it out here because I feel the need to balance the nauseating display of "mom of the year" instagrams. I have NOT been the best mom lately, because of one reason or another (moving excuses topping the list) and no better day of the year to feel terrible about that, especially when your 6 year old quotes you in the mother's day questionnaire as always saying "I'M SO MAD". Lovely.
Motherhood is hard. It is hard for people who yearn for it. It is hard for people who are in the midst of it and feeling like every move is the wrong move. It is hard for people who spend time looking back on it, wondering what they could have done better. And just about every mother's day I find myself wishing it wasn't a celebrated holiday.
Before church Drew made a comment as our kids were sitting in the car and I was gathering snacks for my birthday kids in my primary class, insinuating that I treat my 7/8 year olds better than I treat my own kids. And I hated him for it but he was right. I have a lot of work to do in the parenting department, and it is much easier to be nice to and parent a handful of kid when you only see them two hours a week and they are usually on their best behavior and are constantly talking about how much they adore you and don't ever want you to move and could you please buy a house here and stay their teacher forever?
But it's not my kids fault. It has been my attitude, and I realized as I chatted with my 7/8 year olds about a scripture story with brothers who were obedient and did what they were supposed to do but complained about it the whole way.... this was ME. I was going through the motions but dragging my feet and making everyone miserable along the way. Then I come home to find pictures Lan had taken and I see this and it clicks: I need to make a change. Yes my lot is hard and stressful but that does not mean I have to make my kids miserable in the process.
When I was working on some interior design issues for our new house, a funny memory came to me. I took an interior design class in high school and had to design and make some curtains for my bedroom for a project. At the time, I could have sworn that my mom LOVED those curtains, big draping floor length tulle. Looking back, she was probably just being nice but she never discouraged me. She was always supporting us even when we would cover her precious wallpapered walls with posters from TeenBeat, or when she let Sarah paint the basement EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW (the headaches I would get looking at those walls!) and it looked like a funhouse. My mom is pretty amazing and I need to be more like her. Loving, supportive, and a joy to be around.
I have been very lucky in my life. I have always had a wonderful relationship with my mom and I have been fortunate enough to birth 4 healthy children. But since that "first" mother's day, I have felt very deeply on this day the pain of the loved ones around me struggling with infertility, loss of a parent, strained relations, and this year especially, the deepening tragedy of not being the "best mom".
Two years ago the twins were only a few weeks old and it was my goal to make it back to church in time for Mother's day, mostly because it would mean getting myself and the babies out of the house. Drew got a new (very time intensive) calling that day, and I felt the need for confirmation (which I got) that it was the right move for our family. Last year Drew and I were in Costa Rica while the kids were split between my parents and inlaws here at home. It was nice to be away from the social pressure of motherhood last year, and I almost wish that we could have made the trip this year instead, because I definitely need it more this year than ever.
Motherhood has been overbearing, overwhelming, over-everything lately and I have not been doing a great job at it. This is not me being pessimistic, this is me being honest and real. I do not need or want any sympathy or reassurance, I just want to put it out here because I feel the need to balance the nauseating display of "mom of the year" instagrams. I have NOT been the best mom lately, because of one reason or another (moving excuses topping the list) and no better day of the year to feel terrible about that, especially when your 6 year old quotes you in the mother's day questionnaire as always saying "I'M SO MAD". Lovely.
Motherhood is hard. It is hard for people who yearn for it. It is hard for people who are in the midst of it and feeling like every move is the wrong move. It is hard for people who spend time looking back on it, wondering what they could have done better. And just about every mother's day I find myself wishing it wasn't a celebrated holiday.
Before church Drew made a comment as our kids were sitting in the car and I was gathering snacks for my birthday kids in my primary class, insinuating that I treat my 7/8 year olds better than I treat my own kids. And I hated him for it but he was right. I have a lot of work to do in the parenting department, and it is much easier to be nice to and parent a handful of kid when you only see them two hours a week and they are usually on their best behavior and are constantly talking about how much they adore you and don't ever want you to move and could you please buy a house here and stay their teacher forever?
But it's not my kids fault. It has been my attitude, and I realized as I chatted with my 7/8 year olds about a scripture story with brothers who were obedient and did what they were supposed to do but complained about it the whole way.... this was ME. I was going through the motions but dragging my feet and making everyone miserable along the way. Then I come home to find pictures Lan had taken and I see this and it clicks: I need to make a change. Yes my lot is hard and stressful but that does not mean I have to make my kids miserable in the process.
So today I am trying to focus on the tender mercies of the Lord in giving me children who remind me frequently to smile and laugh and not take myself so seriously. Because I desperately need it right now.
Friday, May 5, 2017
trying to limit myself to two packs a day
As in, I only allow myself to pack up two boxes or bins a day. And then I have to stop and enjoy my life a little. Easier said than done!
Since we found out our home is set to be done sooner than we expected, my mind has been in a tailspin. I have at any given time 50 different things I am trying to remember and I am trying really really hard to take deep breaths, write stuff down, and try not to completely throw myself in a panic. Like how can I have so many bins of stuff in the garage (I added two yesterday), have thrown away or donated multiple trash bags of things and still have so much STUFF all over my house?! I may never know. So to reset my focus and not make it all about moving for the next month, I'm going to think about 5 things that don't have to do with moving. Or at least try.
1. It drives me to madness when my kids steal my phone. But then I get pictures they take of themselves or each other and all is forgiven! They are getting to be such good little photographers.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
where i learn that a clean house does not necessarily make a happy mother
We have officially been on the market two weeks today. Showings started 3 days after that, and thankfully we were in Spring Break (which was part of the plan) for 10 days of that. Then this past week we came home to a relatively clean house. And that of course was when the real trouble began. We had two showings Monday night, so we made a night out to dinner and played at the church for awhile since the showings were unfortunately spaced out. We had a showing Tuesday morning and then nothing on Wednesday which came as a double edged sword. I mean, we have to have a 2-hour advanced notice which was nice come 6pm yesterday when I finally felt like I was able to breathe a little easier than I have the last week or so. While it was a blessing to be at my mom's and not have to worry about cleaning and I could pass off the childcare as needed, but to be honest instead of relaxing and enjoying the time I could have had, I spent most of it worrying about why our home wasn't selling, reading and re-reading reviews of our home and checking out/comparing homes in Utah. It is a miracle I didn't gain 100 pounds, because I stress ate my way right through that week.
(one of my favorite moments from Spring Break... the kids sewing with my mom!)
It felt good to be back at home Sunday night, after hours of putting everything we had taken to my parents house away. It has been a good excuse to de-clutter a lot of my house, but it has also been a huge source of contention in our home and I am mostly to blame. Because I try my best to keep the house clutter-free, then when we know we are going to do a showing I do a couple of things: clorox everything that shows fingerprints on it (which feels like 90% of my house, if I am honest), windex all the windows (because we have a lot and they are all at perfect toddler messy face/hand height), sweep and swiffer the downstairs and vacuum the upstairs and wipe down all the bathrooms. Which seems not so bad but when you take into account the terrible two-fers who are at my ankles the entire time I am trying to complete this process, begging to be held as they smear smashed grapes all over the newly-cleaned floor (at least it isn't the carpet) and begging for goldfish crackers (NO!!!) I have never felt so guilt about making my kids eat a meal outside ("don't you dare get any food in this house!" said some crazy mom), and I hated myself the entire time I cleaned and found myself murmuring under my breath.... isn't there a better way? An easier way? Oh, right, there was and it was staying at my parent's house! Ha!
All sarcasm and joking aside, it has been mind-opening. I always thought "if my house is spotless with 4 kids running around I will be TRULY happy" and here I am and happy is the farthest thing to describe how I feel piling my kids into the car just so I can windex the last of those fingerprints, uninterrupted. I feel horrible! Yesterday was so nice because I didn't have to yell at my kids about keeping things clean and we even left stuff out before we went to bed! Can you imagine!! So yes. My house has been cleaner the last two weeks than it has been in the last two YEARS since the twinners came along. And it's "Meh." I'm relieved to not step accidentally on Legos or a stray apple that was probably two days old but I really feel like a crazy cleaning person who can't seem to get a grip on reality. Which made me think of how bizarre and crazy this whole showing houses thing is.
Showings are like first dates. With rare exceptions (like myself, in the case of going out for the first time with Drew as an impromptu thing), first dates are planned and I remember those early years of first dates spending HOURS getting ready for what was likely to be no more than a dimly lit 2 hour dinner (and I guess we are also the exception for that as well, since our first date lasted till the library closed, then till Denny's started serving legit breakfast...). Anyways. I spend so much time even though my house is mostly perfection (I can say that because it's true), scrubbing the floors like the Queen of England is coming over when in reality the person buying our house (eventually, nothing yet) will never see his/her own house that clean (except for maybe when they walk through the door for the first time). It is so unrealistic! And yet that is the expectation, to make you house look as though it were a model home with no people living in it and a full time maid service to ensure nothing is out of place. It is craziness. And while I understand that not everyone is quite as crazy about it as I am (because I have seen pictures online of dirty houses!! With junk everywhere!! And yet they sell!! Faster than our house and for more money because Utah housing is CRAZY!!), I WANT to get our house sold SO BADLY. I have put so much work into it, and the upkeep is driving me up the wall most days. But we keep praying for that perfect family to find our home and put an offer in. I know they will find us. It is definitely taking longer than we planned, but we are trying to be patient.
I have been blessed the last two weeks to get constant reminders of how insignificant my struggles are. It makes it easier to not worry, especially when I have plenty on my plate to keep myself occupied. I am in the midst of reading a handful of really good books (that I truly should not have the time to read!), planning three birthdays, and managing chaos of my kids obviously. So while blogging has taken a serious backburner to all that, it is always therapeutic to get some thoughts on paper (so to speak) during what will ultimately be one of the largest trials of faith for our family to date (getting pregnant with the twins would be a close second!). But then I keep thinking back to the craziness that surrounded our move out here from Utah in 2011.
We quit our jobs. Sold everything we had that wouldn't fit into our two little cars. Moved in with my parents and we had no jobs, no income for a solid month. A Month!!! Then I finally landed a job in childcare at a nearby gym, worked for a month, and then managed to get fired three weeks later while still in training (thanks to a less than stellar trainer who also got fired...that's the last time I gave a baby a bottle that wasn't handed to me directly by their mother!). But in those 3 weeks, I slowly realized that I wasn't interested in being a working mom (even part time!) in the near future. And during that time, amidst a handful of interviews, Drew landed his first Dealersocket interview, followed by a second and then a flight out to California where they offered him a role in the company that has developed into what he does now. We had NO idea what would come to us from leaving Utah, we only knew that it was the right path for us then, just as we know our path is taking us back there now.
I have been reminded of the following quote the last week and it is currently my phone's screen saver and I anticipate some sort of artwork I'll make based on it once we move into our new home this summer. It has been my strength and reminder that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me as an individual.
“Things will work out” may well be President Hinckley’s most repeated assurance to family, friends, and associates.
“Keep trying,” he will say. “Be believing. Be happy. Don’t get discouraged. Things will work out.”
and a quick visit with the cousins!
It felt good to be back at home Sunday night, after hours of putting everything we had taken to my parents house away. It has been a good excuse to de-clutter a lot of my house, but it has also been a huge source of contention in our home and I am mostly to blame. Because I try my best to keep the house clutter-free, then when we know we are going to do a showing I do a couple of things: clorox everything that shows fingerprints on it (which feels like 90% of my house, if I am honest), windex all the windows (because we have a lot and they are all at perfect toddler messy face/hand height), sweep and swiffer the downstairs and vacuum the upstairs and wipe down all the bathrooms. Which seems not so bad but when you take into account the terrible two-fers who are at my ankles the entire time I am trying to complete this process, begging to be held as they smear smashed grapes all over the newly-cleaned floor (at least it isn't the carpet) and begging for goldfish crackers (NO!!!) I have never felt so guilt about making my kids eat a meal outside ("don't you dare get any food in this house!" said some crazy mom), and I hated myself the entire time I cleaned and found myself murmuring under my breath.... isn't there a better way? An easier way? Oh, right, there was and it was staying at my parent's house! Ha!
All sarcasm and joking aside, it has been mind-opening. I always thought "if my house is spotless with 4 kids running around I will be TRULY happy" and here I am and happy is the farthest thing to describe how I feel piling my kids into the car just so I can windex the last of those fingerprints, uninterrupted. I feel horrible! Yesterday was so nice because I didn't have to yell at my kids about keeping things clean and we even left stuff out before we went to bed! Can you imagine!! So yes. My house has been cleaner the last two weeks than it has been in the last two YEARS since the twinners came along. And it's "Meh." I'm relieved to not step accidentally on Legos or a stray apple that was probably two days old but I really feel like a crazy cleaning person who can't seem to get a grip on reality. Which made me think of how bizarre and crazy this whole showing houses thing is.
Showings are like first dates. With rare exceptions (like myself, in the case of going out for the first time with Drew as an impromptu thing), first dates are planned and I remember those early years of first dates spending HOURS getting ready for what was likely to be no more than a dimly lit 2 hour dinner (and I guess we are also the exception for that as well, since our first date lasted till the library closed, then till Denny's started serving legit breakfast...). Anyways. I spend so much time even though my house is mostly perfection (I can say that because it's true), scrubbing the floors like the Queen of England is coming over when in reality the person buying our house (eventually, nothing yet) will never see his/her own house that clean (except for maybe when they walk through the door for the first time). It is so unrealistic! And yet that is the expectation, to make you house look as though it were a model home with no people living in it and a full time maid service to ensure nothing is out of place. It is craziness. And while I understand that not everyone is quite as crazy about it as I am (because I have seen pictures online of dirty houses!! With junk everywhere!! And yet they sell!! Faster than our house and for more money because Utah housing is CRAZY!!), I WANT to get our house sold SO BADLY. I have put so much work into it, and the upkeep is driving me up the wall most days. But we keep praying for that perfect family to find our home and put an offer in. I know they will find us. It is definitely taking longer than we planned, but we are trying to be patient.
I have been blessed the last two weeks to get constant reminders of how insignificant my struggles are. It makes it easier to not worry, especially when I have plenty on my plate to keep myself occupied. I am in the midst of reading a handful of really good books (that I truly should not have the time to read!), planning three birthdays, and managing chaos of my kids obviously. So while blogging has taken a serious backburner to all that, it is always therapeutic to get some thoughts on paper (so to speak) during what will ultimately be one of the largest trials of faith for our family to date (getting pregnant with the twins would be a close second!). But then I keep thinking back to the craziness that surrounded our move out here from Utah in 2011.
We quit our jobs. Sold everything we had that wouldn't fit into our two little cars. Moved in with my parents and we had no jobs, no income for a solid month. A Month!!! Then I finally landed a job in childcare at a nearby gym, worked for a month, and then managed to get fired three weeks later while still in training (thanks to a less than stellar trainer who also got fired...that's the last time I gave a baby a bottle that wasn't handed to me directly by their mother!). But in those 3 weeks, I slowly realized that I wasn't interested in being a working mom (even part time!) in the near future. And during that time, amidst a handful of interviews, Drew landed his first Dealersocket interview, followed by a second and then a flight out to California where they offered him a role in the company that has developed into what he does now. We had NO idea what would come to us from leaving Utah, we only knew that it was the right path for us then, just as we know our path is taking us back there now.
I have been reminded of the following quote the last week and it is currently my phone's screen saver and I anticipate some sort of artwork I'll make based on it once we move into our new home this summer. It has been my strength and reminder that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me as an individual.
“Things will work out” may well be President Hinckley’s most repeated assurance to family, friends, and associates.
“Keep trying,” he will say. “Be believing. Be happy. Don’t get discouraged. Things will work out.”
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Baby guilt
Motherhood is a funny tricky little thing. After we found out the twins were coming, I was 110% sure this was my last pregnancy. I gave away all my maternity clothes as soon as I could. The nanosecond the babies outgrew their clothes, toys, baby gear, it was in the donation pile and out of the house before I could think twice about it. And now as we approach that two year mark, the mark I have never made it past without getting or being pregnant since I had kids, I started to have a doubt. Maybe we weren't done with four.
What if I was supposed to have FIVE kids? And then, for the first time ever I allowed myself to envision life with five children... another couple of years with the three car seats across the middle, a girl to share A's room or a boy to share little d's. I thought about another pregnancy, another c-section, more damage to my pelvic floor, another splitting of my abdominal wall. I tried to be positive: little d would be out of a booster seat next year, he and little A would be a big help, the babies would be 3 years old and only a year away from prek, I was getting better at grocery shopping and meal planning, I was getting better at household management, what better place to have a 5th child than in Utah where hand-me-downs would be abundant? I was honestly content with the idea of either a 4th boy or a 2nd girl. Maybe I could do this. So I told Drew. And I immediately regretted it.
I have never been someone who looked forward to or missed the baby stage. But I was feeling this self-inflicted guilt or pressure about a hypothetical 5th child because I felt guilty for feeling so good lately. Lately I have felt strong, healthy, well-rested (even when I don't get as much sleep as I should), my mind feels sharp, I feel ready to tackle a new obstacle. This guilt stems from feeling like I am not supposed to feel good as a mom. Maybe I should be perpetually tired, maybe I didn't nurse the twins long enough, maybe I had twins so I could feel better prepared to have another singleton pregnancy (which would probably feel like a cakewalk at this point!), maybe I am so young for a reason, maybe maybe maybe...
It was a selfish decision, to tell Drew. To put the pressure on him even though we had already made a decision a long time ago for 3 or 4. It was selfish because I wanted him to be the one to say "we've had enough" and not me. For years I have been saying that my body and my mind couldn't handle any more kids than what we have. Is this the sort of weakness that I need to be made stronger? Is this a trail of faith? Am I failing in my responsibilities as a mother by deciding for the both of us that we were done?
Knowing when to be "done" having kids is such a hard decision, and certainly not one that I have taken lightly. There are so many factors to consider and what is right for me is not right for my sisters or friends or anyone else. My mind has been occupied over much of the last 7 years with babies on the brain... growing them, feeding them, sleeping them, keeping them safe, etc etc. Going into this new phase of my life where I don't have a baby as a distraction is scary. I don't know what that is going to look like, because while I have not ever really enjoyed the baby phase as much as most people do, it has been my norm for so long. I am no closer to knowing what I want to do after all my kids go to school in 3 years than I was when we left Utah 6 years ago. It is all unknown.
Ultimately, I recognized the source and what I can do because of my doubts. I can use them to propel me to be a better mother of the children that I have. To be a better wife to Drew because I am not sick and pregnant or tired and nursing. And I can go forward with faith and without guilt because I know that I have put in the time with those baby years. And now I can enjoy my kids a little bit more than I have been able to in the last couple of years. My trials as a mother are only just beginning. And in the meantime, I can give myself (guilt-free!) a pass to enjoy learning more about myself and what kind of a person I am while still being a mother. As much as I want to discover who I am besides a mom, I realize that motherhood has inherently changed me more than I could have expected. I am not nor will I ever be the same person I was before I had little d, and that is just fine. Motherhood continues to refine me into a better person because it drops me to my lowest lows and lifts me to my highest highs. Being a mother has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done, and while it is hard to see what else I will be able to accomplish in addition to that, I know I am capable of great things.
Having 4 kids in 5 years has taught me so much about myself, but mostly that if I do not shy away from doing hard things, that I am capable of doing so much more than I ever imagined.
Similar to our decision to move out to Utah, our decision to be done with 4 children has been something we felt confident more than once in making that decision. With passing time, we have been able to notice even more the negatives and positives associated with that decision but we move forward with what we decided on, because we know if it felt right and made sense back when we made that choice, we should not allow fear to cloud our judgement. I will not allow fear of the unknown to cloud my choices.
just as we have been crazy blessed to bring 4 crazy awesome kids into this world, we have been blessed to live in ohio the last 3.5 years close to family and friends. Both are experiences we will treasure forever and leave us with no regrets. But I am finally ready to move on with our little family of 6 this summer and see where our Father in Heaven sends us. Because honestly, he's guided me to BYU and all the friends I have made there, to Drew and his incredible family, and then to Milford and Westerville and I have felt his hand in my life. I know His plan for me is beyond what I understand, but I am grateful that so many blessings He gives me are visible (to the point of overflowing!) in this life.
I am letting go of the guilt. 4 is enough for me. <3
What if I was supposed to have FIVE kids? And then, for the first time ever I allowed myself to envision life with five children... another couple of years with the three car seats across the middle, a girl to share A's room or a boy to share little d's. I thought about another pregnancy, another c-section, more damage to my pelvic floor, another splitting of my abdominal wall. I tried to be positive: little d would be out of a booster seat next year, he and little A would be a big help, the babies would be 3 years old and only a year away from prek, I was getting better at grocery shopping and meal planning, I was getting better at household management, what better place to have a 5th child than in Utah where hand-me-downs would be abundant? I was honestly content with the idea of either a 4th boy or a 2nd girl. Maybe I could do this. So I told Drew. And I immediately regretted it.
I have never been someone who looked forward to or missed the baby stage. But I was feeling this self-inflicted guilt or pressure about a hypothetical 5th child because I felt guilty for feeling so good lately. Lately I have felt strong, healthy, well-rested (even when I don't get as much sleep as I should), my mind feels sharp, I feel ready to tackle a new obstacle. This guilt stems from feeling like I am not supposed to feel good as a mom. Maybe I should be perpetually tired, maybe I didn't nurse the twins long enough, maybe I had twins so I could feel better prepared to have another singleton pregnancy (which would probably feel like a cakewalk at this point!), maybe I am so young for a reason, maybe maybe maybe...
It was a selfish decision, to tell Drew. To put the pressure on him even though we had already made a decision a long time ago for 3 or 4. It was selfish because I wanted him to be the one to say "we've had enough" and not me. For years I have been saying that my body and my mind couldn't handle any more kids than what we have. Is this the sort of weakness that I need to be made stronger? Is this a trail of faith? Am I failing in my responsibilities as a mother by deciding for the both of us that we were done?
Knowing when to be "done" having kids is such a hard decision, and certainly not one that I have taken lightly. There are so many factors to consider and what is right for me is not right for my sisters or friends or anyone else. My mind has been occupied over much of the last 7 years with babies on the brain... growing them, feeding them, sleeping them, keeping them safe, etc etc. Going into this new phase of my life where I don't have a baby as a distraction is scary. I don't know what that is going to look like, because while I have not ever really enjoyed the baby phase as much as most people do, it has been my norm for so long. I am no closer to knowing what I want to do after all my kids go to school in 3 years than I was when we left Utah 6 years ago. It is all unknown.
Ultimately, I recognized the source and what I can do because of my doubts. I can use them to propel me to be a better mother of the children that I have. To be a better wife to Drew because I am not sick and pregnant or tired and nursing. And I can go forward with faith and without guilt because I know that I have put in the time with those baby years. And now I can enjoy my kids a little bit more than I have been able to in the last couple of years. My trials as a mother are only just beginning. And in the meantime, I can give myself (guilt-free!) a pass to enjoy learning more about myself and what kind of a person I am while still being a mother. As much as I want to discover who I am besides a mom, I realize that motherhood has inherently changed me more than I could have expected. I am not nor will I ever be the same person I was before I had little d, and that is just fine. Motherhood continues to refine me into a better person because it drops me to my lowest lows and lifts me to my highest highs. Being a mother has been the most wonderful thing I have ever done, and while it is hard to see what else I will be able to accomplish in addition to that, I know I am capable of great things.
Having 4 kids in 5 years has taught me so much about myself, but mostly that if I do not shy away from doing hard things, that I am capable of doing so much more than I ever imagined.
Similar to our decision to move out to Utah, our decision to be done with 4 children has been something we felt confident more than once in making that decision. With passing time, we have been able to notice even more the negatives and positives associated with that decision but we move forward with what we decided on, because we know if it felt right and made sense back when we made that choice, we should not allow fear to cloud our judgement. I will not allow fear of the unknown to cloud my choices.
I am letting go of the guilt. 4 is enough for me. <3
Saturday, December 31, 2016
2016 accomplishments
My 2016 resolution was to SIMPLIFY, which I am proud to say I have definitely done in MANY areas of my life. If it doesn't make me happy, it gets tossed to the wayside. Unfortunately, piggybacking off of that resolution was to get a stronger core to be able to run a marathon this next year, which if you've been following along with this journey at all this year, I am still not running, and will probably still be on running hiatus by the end of 2017.
But.
Moving on to accomplishments of 2016:
-I weaned the babies from breastfeeding before they were a year old.
(I was able to breastfeed the twins for 10 months with no formula! That was NOT easy!)
-I weaned the babies off of their binkies before 18 months.
-I sleep trained the boys somewhere inbetween both of those events.
-I potty trained my 3 year old in the midst of all of that.
-I have built a stronger core thanks to Mutu as well as going completely the way of barefoot.
-I have purged, sold and donated a LOT of stuff (clothes, toys, etc) in an attempt to simplify our lives.
I have some big plans for 2017, but for now I will say that I am very pleased with how 2016 went for us. We were able to celebrate our 10 year anniversary in Costa Rica for a solid week together away--no kids!, I got a wonderful lesson in Daring Greatly, Drew got a new promotion which involved no travel, we are planning a move in the next half year, little d got an amazing teacher for first grade, and all the kids are alive and healthy and thriving. There's not much more I could have asked for and I am beyond grateful for everything we have been through as a learning experience.
To 2017!
But.
Moving on to accomplishments of 2016:
-I weaned the babies from breastfeeding before they were a year old.
(I was able to breastfeed the twins for 10 months with no formula! That was NOT easy!)
-I weaned the babies off of their binkies before 18 months.
-I sleep trained the boys somewhere inbetween both of those events.
-I potty trained my 3 year old in the midst of all of that.
-I have built a stronger core thanks to Mutu as well as going completely the way of barefoot.
-I have purged, sold and donated a LOT of stuff (clothes, toys, etc) in an attempt to simplify our lives.
I have some big plans for 2017, but for now I will say that I am very pleased with how 2016 went for us. We were able to celebrate our 10 year anniversary in Costa Rica for a solid week together away--no kids!, I got a wonderful lesson in Daring Greatly, Drew got a new promotion which involved no travel, we are planning a move in the next half year, little d got an amazing teacher for first grade, and all the kids are alive and healthy and thriving. There's not much more I could have asked for and I am beyond grateful for everything we have been through as a learning experience.
To 2017!
Monday, November 14, 2016
figuring out life beyond motherhood (which has been so so good to me!)
Sometime last month, my friend Breanna (thank you!!) sent me an email about studying the gospel by topic. Only recently I read through it and realized that my "scripture study" entailed all of about 10 minutes of reading a few verses right before collapsing into bed at night and I was getting nothing out of it, aside from guilt that I wasn't really getting anything out of it. I have been struggling with a few things in my life, but one in particular that has felt bothersome is not feeling like I have any sense of direction in my life. Yes, I am a wife, mother, and homemaker, and that is wonderful but that is not enough for me. I need something more and I don't know what that next step is. I know it will be another 5 years before I can fully explore any options realistically but I feel like there has to be something I can do in the meantime aside from waiting for my kids to all be in school.
So last week I decided to do something a little radical (for me at least). I would set aside 30 minutes of my precious prime children's naptime (where I can get as much as an hour but unfortunately get sometimes 2 minutes between putting little A to bed and when the boys wake up), and during that time I would set an alarm, remove all distractions, and study until that alarm went off. I managed to do it twice last week which isn't horrible just not great. And I've had a couple of "ah-ha!" moments I wanted to document.
1. Taking time to really meditate and be searching, thinking, listening in silence... is amazing. Again, I am too afraid to do this yet in the morning before everyone is awake (mostly because I like my sleep till 7 am, but also because it stresses me out to do something like that when I can hear kids awake!) and nighttime is really hard because I don't want to do anything but try to finish cleaning the house/laundry/meal prepping etc that I HAVE to get done when the kids are in bed.
2. It is really nice to have a plan but also allow for flexibility. I have a topic for this month, but today I felt like I needed to go in a different direction, and I did and before I knew it an hour had gone by...
3. I am a loved daughter of God. He has a plan for me and it is a plan that is designed with a cornerstone of happiness. There have been so many moments of inspiration while I am studying and also throughout the day I do... I have more peace in my heart, steadiness in my voice and I am slower to anger with my kids. The kids are noticing a difference and they like it (I do too!). I keep a notebook as well as my planner nearby because I am always brimming with free flowing ideas (which let me say, does not usually happen to this mostly brain-lapsed mom of 4 kids in 5 years!)
4. I still DON'T know where I want my career path to go in the next 5 years. But I know where I want to start and that is the most important part for me right now. I just have to trust that the rest will fall into place. And in the meantime, brushing up on my gospel knowledge is a good place to build on.
5. There is so very little in this life that I have any control over. Learning to control what I can (and ignore whatever else it is that I cannot) is helping me to be a happier person. Having charity and joy seem to come hand in hand, and let me tell you, I want more of it in my life along with peace and hope and faith. I've obviously got a lot of things I am trying to work on, but all good things that are making me happy, not overwhelmed like I have felt in the past about these things.
motherhood is great. I mean really hard but that makes the good parts really good. fighting has escalated in equal parts to playing constantly together, which I love (the latter, not the former). Also making me happy, haircuts from two weekends ago:
bang trim, and i finally evened out her hair (which was at an odd slant)
one inch buzzes for the babies. Panda still has most of his hair on the top which just begs for mohawks.
and Lo mostly needed a trim on the back and sides... he looks the same as before his cut!
you can tell winter is coming because we bust out the paints more often lately. which of course I love. painting is the best.
and on a final note (so I don't forget).... this wonderful scene I am so lucky to be apart of. my darling children happily caged in with their friends so I don't have to worry about the fact that we don't have a fence. Also the way Lan says "kenna" is almost the same as his sister did two years ago <3
1. Taking time to really meditate and be searching, thinking, listening in silence... is amazing. Again, I am too afraid to do this yet in the morning before everyone is awake (mostly because I like my sleep till 7 am, but also because it stresses me out to do something like that when I can hear kids awake!) and nighttime is really hard because I don't want to do anything but try to finish cleaning the house/laundry/meal prepping etc that I HAVE to get done when the kids are in bed.
2. It is really nice to have a plan but also allow for flexibility. I have a topic for this month, but today I felt like I needed to go in a different direction, and I did and before I knew it an hour had gone by...
3. I am a loved daughter of God. He has a plan for me and it is a plan that is designed with a cornerstone of happiness. There have been so many moments of inspiration while I am studying and also throughout the day I do... I have more peace in my heart, steadiness in my voice and I am slower to anger with my kids. The kids are noticing a difference and they like it (I do too!). I keep a notebook as well as my planner nearby because I am always brimming with free flowing ideas (which let me say, does not usually happen to this mostly brain-lapsed mom of 4 kids in 5 years!)
4. I still DON'T know where I want my career path to go in the next 5 years. But I know where I want to start and that is the most important part for me right now. I just have to trust that the rest will fall into place. And in the meantime, brushing up on my gospel knowledge is a good place to build on.
5. There is so very little in this life that I have any control over. Learning to control what I can (and ignore whatever else it is that I cannot) is helping me to be a happier person. Having charity and joy seem to come hand in hand, and let me tell you, I want more of it in my life along with peace and hope and faith. I've obviously got a lot of things I am trying to work on, but all good things that are making me happy, not overwhelmed like I have felt in the past about these things.
motherhood is great. I mean really hard but that makes the good parts really good. fighting has escalated in equal parts to playing constantly together, which I love (the latter, not the former). Also making me happy, haircuts from two weekends ago:
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Friday, September 23, 2016
learning to Dare Greatly
It's only been like 8 months since I started reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown... I have no excuse for not finishing it earlier since I can easily blaze through a book I really like in about a day. But this book made me stop and think and reflect and realize that I was living my life and parenting in a way that I was not happy with.
This book helped me realize how much I deal with shame on a daily basis, a "never good enough" attitude I have around my husband and kids and then I flip that when I am in public display, of trying to look like I have it all together, easily and effortlessly, when the dark reality is so far from the truth it's absurd.
I don't like who I am when I can't stop eating cinnamon rolls. Or yelling at my kids. Or checking social media. It frustrates me that I can't parent 4 kids the way I parented 2, that I can't achieve the body I had before I had kids (which is ludicrous and a whole other post altogether) and still eat whatever I want, that my time is broken into tiny little tidbits where I feel I can get nothing done, or I am too tired to get anything of value done. Not to mention (despite my best efforts) my house is NEVER EVER 100% clean and it DRIVES ME NUTS. I am a perfectionist trapped in an imperfect body! Help!
Unfortunately, this book has opened my eyes to a lot of things, mostly concerning my interactions with my firstborn. When he does something wrong, he starts smacking himself in the head, which drives me CRAZYYYY. But today I realized that you know what?! He and I are a lot more alike than I give him credit for. He is always striving for perfection, whether it is hitting the ball at every at bat, or being ranked #1 among his fitbit challengers, or not being yelled at by his parents because his little siblings are watching and imitating his every move. The only difference is that I hide my shame on a daily basis, instead of using the guilt to fuel change, which would require being more vulnerable. Which I hate, especially in front of my children and ESPECIALLY in front of people I don't see very often, because I assume everyone thinks I can't get my act together because I have so many small kids. What's worse that people having high expectations of you? People having terribly low expectations of you. It sucks.
I don't like who I am when I can't stop eating cinnamon rolls. Or yelling at my kids. Or checking social media. It frustrates me that I can't parent 4 kids the way I parented 2, that I can't achieve the body I had before I had kids (which is ludicrous and a whole other post altogether) and still eat whatever I want, that my time is broken into tiny little tidbits where I feel I can get nothing done, or I am too tired to get anything of value done. Not to mention (despite my best efforts) my house is NEVER EVER 100% clean and it DRIVES ME NUTS. I am a perfectionist trapped in an imperfect body! Help!
Unfortunately, this book has opened my eyes to a lot of things, mostly concerning my interactions with my firstborn. When he does something wrong, he starts smacking himself in the head, which drives me CRAZYYYY. But today I realized that you know what?! He and I are a lot more alike than I give him credit for. He is always striving for perfection, whether it is hitting the ball at every at bat, or being ranked #1 among his fitbit challengers, or not being yelled at by his parents because his little siblings are watching and imitating his every move. The only difference is that I hide my shame on a daily basis, instead of using the guilt to fuel change, which would require being more vulnerable. Which I hate, especially in front of my children and ESPECIALLY in front of people I don't see very often, because I assume everyone thinks I can't get my act together because I have so many small kids. What's worse that people having high expectations of you? People having terribly low expectations of you. It sucks.
So here I am, dirty mirrors, hiding my (cinnamon roll) post baby bump with a much cuter baby, ready to start daring greatly. Asking myself the hard questions, owning up to my mistakes and encouraging my kids to do the same and hopefully learn from them. Source.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
using the autumnal equinox as my second round of new year's, complete with resolutions.
Resolving:
1. Stop being such a rubbish (irritated, checked out, stressed) mom.
2. Get showered and dressed before lunchtime. This is seriously such a struggle!
3. Plan and eat better meals (no more meals made entirely of goldfish crackers, fruit snacks, veggie straws...)
4. Get daily one on one time with each of my kids, even for a few minutes.
5. Do what makes me happy.... truly enjoy my life.
Plan of action:
1. Deep breaths. 20 pushups when I feel like screaming (per recommendation of my 6yo).
2. Pack gym bag (with homemade protein bar so I don't get post workout hangry) night before. I've been pretty consistent in going to the gym just about every day, and for the last two weeks or so I have been good about bringing my bag to shower but sometimes I still forget stuff. It helps that my commute is now 5 minutes which makes me feel far less guilty taking 60 minutes to workout and then 15 minutes to shower and get ready for the day, all while my kids are being cared for by the gym childcare... if you bother figuring out the math like I do it equates to about $2 a day every time I do that. Pretty cheap for a babysitter!
4. One on one time is still a work in progress because I still tend to be selfish about my personal "me" time, especially during naptime. But at noonish I put the babies to nap and little a gets some "mommy preschool" with me. We pick out a letter, practice handwriting, talk about what words start with that letter, and do a little arts and crafts thing (play doh, painting, crayons, watercolor, etc).
look at those cute"B"s!!! I even convinced her she could write "bear" since she knew how to write an "A"! She was too scared to try out the "R" though. I am loving our collaborative artworks and we definitely need more space to hang everything up!
(today's was definitely my favorite)
As far as the boys go, I am trying to be a better mom to little d by being more willing to say "yes" which usually means more playdates (and kids!) than I know what to do with. ;) A good problem to have! I try to make an effort to stay on top of his school work and I even got to volunteer at his class the other day, which was a blast. I wish I could do that more often but there are other things that require my attention (like 3 little things!). I am learning to let go of my control of him and try to focus on weekends and days off to enjoy that one on one time with him. Eventually I will transition to allowing Drew to put the babies to bed so I can use that time to spend with little d, but since I am usually the one to bathe the little kids and feel like I can do it efficiently and get them to bed faster than anyone else can, I just do it. And this week I taught little d to take a shower on his own! Washing and rinsing hair is still hard but he is getting the hang out it and I am so proud of him!
The babies are tricky. My solo time with them is only if I wake up as early as they do and big brother hasn't woken up yet (like what happened on tuesday): so we went for a quick pre-breakfast run:
or, IF little a takes a nap and the boys wake up before little d gets home we get a quiet little 30 minutes or so in the playroom, which typically involves Panda doing trains and Lo playing IronMan and tearing them apart!
and most of my mornings (post-gym) I try to make special for my 3 littles.... we do picnic lunches, jump on the trampoline, run little errands, go to a playground, etc. Mostly as a "thank you" for letting me go to the gym and get in a shower for the better half of their early morning, But they get a happy mama for the rest of the day so it's a fair trade.
like letting the boys check out the construction vehicles over by our neighborhood Kroger
Kroger because little sister wanted some more "pink gum", which I liberally use to bribe her on a daily basis (how else would I get errands done?!?) Speaking of little sis, we also let her do gymnastics (against my better judgement since her favorite parts are "running around to let it go song" and "jumping on trampoline", both things she does on the daily at our house! But she loves it and gets to go be a big girl with her BFFs and she literally looks forward to it all week.
I still haven't mastered the art of shopping without my kids. Me time is too precious to spend wasted at Kroger! Plus, my girl still loves shopping with me and the boys haven't learned to hate it. Yet. And yes that Buggy Bench is literally saving my life. (I wish I had bought it 3 years ago!!!!). No more shopping with the BOB! Not that I don't love my jogging stroller, because I do! But its 100000x easier to snap on the BB and get the twins in any shopping cart (and we take up way less space!). I still have the same problem of the boys trying to stand in it, same as with the regular shopping cart seat, but that's life!
We've been watching a lot of movies thanks to this stupid heat. I am so over summer. That goes along with me not being such a rubbish mommy, I am trying not to care too much about screen time usage, especially when it's hotter than hades after school and even I don't want to be outside. Not enjoyable.
and that last part about enjoying myself, I am learning to only do things because I want to, not because I feel obligated to. I took the littles to little d's baseball game for an hour because my mom had already babysat for me that morning and it was nice to show the littles to support their big brother. It did take a lot of planning and prep!
and I did take the twins to watch little a at gymnastics a few weeks back. It was crazy dealing with the babies (rotating the one I was chasing and one that was strapped to my back) and trying to watch her at the same time but totally worth it. And bless Cristin (the twins' mom) for being willing to take her every week so I don't have to!
while I try not to encourage her to be awake till all hours of the night after everyone is asleep, it has been cute to see what our little night owl is up to at 11pm each night (putting her little people and barbies to bed!)
So..... I'm alive. I'm not snapping as many pictures as I would like or blogging as much as I want to, but I am enjoying and living my life and recognizing that I have so much to be grateful for.
Also this talk and specifically this quote from it just about made my day because it was exactly what I needed to hear:
"Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength. Call out like Alma, “O Jesus, … have mercy on me.”7 He will help you get back up. He will help you repent, repair, fix whatever you have to fix, and keep going. Soon enough you will have the success you seek."
1. Stop being such a rubbish (irritated, checked out, stressed) mom.
2. Get showered and dressed before lunchtime. This is seriously such a struggle!
3. Plan and eat better meals (no more meals made entirely of goldfish crackers, fruit snacks, veggie straws...)
4. Get daily one on one time with each of my kids, even for a few minutes.
5. Do what makes me happy.... truly enjoy my life.
Plan of action:
1. Deep breaths. 20 pushups when I feel like screaming (per recommendation of my 6yo).
^^ "I'm dressed for fall even though it's 90+ outside!"^^
^^Looks like dirt but it is actually knockoff LaraBar brownie. Walnuts, cocoa, dates, and mini cc's.^^
I am still on a mad hunt for the perfect homemade protein/postworkout bar I can stash in my bag.
3. It is a law of science that if I make healthy and delicious meals my kids will hate most of what is on their plate. But I feel less bad eating the leftovers.
can you tell eggs are the only protein my kids will touch these days? and tuna fish with mayo.
As far as the boys go, I am trying to be a better mom to little d by being more willing to say "yes" which usually means more playdates (and kids!) than I know what to do with. ;) A good problem to have! I try to make an effort to stay on top of his school work and I even got to volunteer at his class the other day, which was a blast. I wish I could do that more often but there are other things that require my attention (like 3 little things!). I am learning to let go of my control of him and try to focus on weekends and days off to enjoy that one on one time with him. Eventually I will transition to allowing Drew to put the babies to bed so I can use that time to spend with little d, but since I am usually the one to bathe the little kids and feel like I can do it efficiently and get them to bed faster than anyone else can, I just do it. And this week I taught little d to take a shower on his own! Washing and rinsing hair is still hard but he is getting the hang out it and I am so proud of him!
(said in her little voice): GINNASTICS GOOOOOALS!
We've been watching a lot of movies thanks to this stupid heat. I am so over summer. That goes along with me not being such a rubbish mommy, I am trying not to care too much about screen time usage, especially when it's hotter than hades after school and even I don't want to be outside. Not enjoyable.
(from little d's baseball game)
Also this talk and specifically this quote from it just about made my day because it was exactly what I needed to hear:
"Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength. Call out like Alma, “O Jesus, … have mercy on me.”7 He will help you get back up. He will help you repent, repair, fix whatever you have to fix, and keep going. Soon enough you will have the success you seek."
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