One year postpartum with twins

Fair warning: this is a post dedicated primarily to my post baby belly. With pictures.

One year ago today (April 23), I looked down at my middle, took a selfie and totally freaked out.

There are no babies or placentas in there... So what the heck was causing those crazy lumps?!?!

I asked multiple nurses and they all had the same answer:

Your intestines. And your abdominal muscles (or what's left of them).

EX-QUEEZE ME?!?!

It felt like some sort of a joke. Sure I had had twin babies 3 days before but I was expecting a rounded bloated pregnant looking belly and THIS DID NOT LOOK REMOTELY NORMAL!!

To say I was in complete shock was the understatement of the century. So here I am in all my postpartum glory, 8 days after the twins were born, complete with surgical tape I was still or brave enough to remove (in case those crazy intestines fell out duh!), and of course my bruised veins:

I was crazy itchy all over my midsection for a solid couple of weeks after I gave birth, had some crazy belly overhang and NO CORE MUSCLES WHATSOEVER.

Thankfully because of the crazy looking first picture (and that's exactly how my belly looked for MONTHS when I would lay down), I quickly realized (with no help from my ob) that I had some severe abdominal separation, or diastasis recti. I did loads of research on it and finally settled on a program called mutu system, $100 for some nutrition advice, gentle core exercises, a workout plan and workout tips and videos. Easily the best money I've ever spent on myself, especially since there were other things wrong as well (which I will candidly talk about... If you know me in real life. But it's pretty traumatic and plays a huge part into why I decided we are done with four kids). I learned to measure my abdominal "gap", where I could fit an entire hand in the cavity of my abdomen, I still shudder when I think about how deep and wide I could feel pressing into my belly button and how horrible it made me feel. I thought I would never recover from that.

3 months postpartum (laying down): no more lumps!!! Just one giant dome and soooo much extra super itchy skin

And here I am at one year postpartum:

Theres not a huge difference other than color in these two pictures but I just wanted to remember that the biggest difference between these two pictures (and the 9 months inbetween) is that while my weight stayed virtually the same and while I felt like I looked basically the same in the mirror, I have restored MUCH more core strength in just the last few months. My gap is only a 2.5-3 finger gap and I can no longer push my hand to nearly touch my spine through my belly button (thank goodness!)

My belly is still a bit lumpy when I use my core since it is not 100% healed yet, I still cannot do proper sit-ups or planks because that connective tissue is still not recovered. I use words like recovered because I essentially put my middle through the ringer with 3 pregnancies in 5 years and never completely allowing them to heal, which is why i am treating this like I would any injury, I'm taking it slow.

I should also note that I never consistently went on any sort of diet while breastfeeding the twins... I generally tried to eat healthy but never denied myself anything, but I only made it to the gym 2-3 times a week if that. I hovered around 10 pounds over my pre-twins weight the entire time I was nursing, and the last month after weaning I am finally learning to eat like a normal person (thank you, my fitness pal) and making it to the gym/working out 4-5 times a week.

I am still 5 pounds over my pre-twin weight, but I know it is not just about the weight and overall my body will take time to feel more back to normal and I am willing to be patient. I am grateful for everything my body has done in the last 6 years especially, and I just wanted to give hope to anyone who sees that dark abyss (which is definitely depressing) that postpartum can be, and wonders if they will ever be back to "normal" again.... You will! It just takes time and consistently taking care of yourself. 

I am blessed beyond belief to have a husband who loves me no matter how I look like and encourages me to love myself. Because you can't truly take good care of your body if you don't love it. I still have my off days but overall as I keep active and try to include healthier foods in my diet, I am feeling good about myself these days. And it helps that after a year I feel like I finally look just a bit overweight and not pregnant (trust me when I say this was a HUGE victory for me!).

In January I set my sights on training and was hoping to complete a half marathon this weekend, but then about a month ago I thought, why rush things? So I've switched my focus to strengthening my body and getting a handle on my nutrition, I can always tackle a half marathon in the fall.

Working on my postpartum self with mutu and a Fitbit

It's hard to imagine what this felt like... The twins were only a month old in this pic. All I remember is being so sore everywhere and tired and having nonstop headaches and zero motivation to do just about anything unless absolutely necessary.

Thankfully those early months are nothing but photographic blurs on my phone and blog. I never miss those early months (not sorry) and it's been crazy but nice coming into the 9-10 month period. Nice because there is far less unknowns and a lot more that these babies can do! Also making a comeback since November thanks to Drew is my motivation to workout. When the twins came j thought the only way I want to workout is at a gym, other than that I'll just sit on my couch all day long thank you very much. Looking back, I wasn't depressed but I most certainly had some heavy hitting baby blues... Not wanting to do anything and giving up on my body is definitely not in my nature. But thanks to a little virtual challenge to myself over the last few months, I've started to get my mojo back... Running, motivated, fighting for the things I want in life instead of just letting life happen.

It wasn't easy and it's definitely been a process.. It started with getting help with my diastasis by purchasing the Mutu program last October. As my core got stronger, my mind and the rest of my body has slowly followed suit. Nothing super noticeable to anyone but me but still progress. The end of November drew gave me a FitBit and I enjoyed tracking my steps, sleep, etc. only in the last month have I really set goals on my Fitbit and worked hard to hit those goals daily. I only made it to the gym a handful of times last month and I still hit my goals pretty often. (Yesterday's leaderboard) I've never been one to play video games or even games on my phone because I am terrible and lose quite easily before losing interest, but with my FitBit, only I am in control of winning, sort of like training. I love that no matter if I make it to the gym or even out of the house or my kids are sick, I can still hit my goals and "win" my game daily, even if I don't always kill it with my steps. My Fitbit has made me a happier and more active mom than I would be otherwise. My kids favorite part of the day is after the babies are in bed and we "Do workouts" in the playroom... Each person gets a few minutes to be the "gym teacher" and leads us through kicks, boxing, push-ups, etc. it tires them out even if we didn't make it outside for the day, and helps them get their energy out (and get me more steps!) before going to bed.

I've still got my work cut out for me. I really got back into running and finally moved to phase two for Mutu.... I made really good progress last month and I continue to adapt/change/fix what's not working and improve myself. Some days (ok most days) I wish this process was faster but then I remember that I want to make lasting changes in my life and those aren't made with quick fixes. Speaking of quick fixes, The $300 prescription hand cream my dermatologist recommended is working wonders on my hands (all my cuts are currently in some stage of healing!) and I'm feeling better in my overall health than I have in a long time. Now I just need that new gym of mine to open its doors so I can stop making the hour round trip drive to the original location (!).

I am not currently in persuit of the most perfect body I can attain...rather I am on a quest to achieve the most perfectly functioning body possible, one that can run and jump and play and lift and do whatever it wants without having to hold back. And I'll get there. If not this year then next year. But I'm certainly doing everything in my power to make this the year.

My 2016 resolution: simplify!

Want to know a crazy fact? Of the last 75 months of my life, 67 of those months I have either been pregnant, breastfeeding, or (for four months, one time) training for a marathon AKA eating ridiculous amounts of food to fuel all sorts of craziness that I've been putting this body through! As much fun as that has been.... With weaning the boys on my horizon, that blessed time of "eat all the calories" is finally coming to a close. And I have to relearn how to eat like a "normal" person. Whomp whomp.

Anyway,

Here's my post from last year on my 2015 resolutions:

And to be honest? I think I did pretty good. I'm grateful for the insight that i had to have that resolution because it has helped me a LOT in a year where I spent 365 days either being pregnant or just looking like I was still pregnant. Regardless, I still did my best to embrace my body while continuing to improve myself.

So 2016. In addition to learning to eat like a normal person (ha! Sort of...) and training for my next half marathon, I have a single resolution:

SIMPLIFY.

I loved having just one word to remember, a mantra if you will, like I had two years ago when it served me well. I love this resolution because I can use it in every aspect of my life. It means to me that I don't just need to prioritize but there are some things I just need to cut out of my life because they are just not that important. Which would of course pave the way for spending more time on the three most important things to me this upcoming year: (which I'll be honest I totally "stole" from kourtney Kardashian)

-faith

-family

-fitness

The first two are pretty standard and are basically renewals of my goals I have every year...spend more quality time developing my relationship with Christ and and with my family. No surprise there.

That last one, fitness, is a tricky beast. Obviously correcting nutrition will play a big part in that this year, but my first two hurdles (which I will be tackling simultaneously) are to train for 13.1 miles by the spring (thanks to joining a running club!) and to continue to strengthen and rehab by poor core through the Mutu method... I started months ago and never really got past doing the first two week of core workouts over and over again.... It has definitely helped (I can feel muscles in my midsection, I can no longer poke a finger nearly right through my tummy to my spine aka I've finally started to pull together my diastasis recti, those deep core muscles that were so horribly damaged post pregnancy with the twins!) but I know that furthering myself into the 12 week program will only help me more: (and to clarify I am flexing/sucking in my core in these pics)

Sometimes I really hate posting these "befores" but you gotta have someplace to start to look back on where you've been, right?

Here's to looking slightly less pregnant at the end of 2016 and strengthening my core (and the rest of my body!) enough to tackle a marathon in 2017!

Week one day one of MUTU system

After I had the boys, NOTHING felt right or normal about my middle. I was SO excited to get back to work and get everything figured out. A couple of weeks into working out, I knew something was up and Lo and behold I have some crazy terrible diastasis (abdominal separation) and my insides keep poking out of my belly (tmi?!) so I researched it and found a zillion workouts and finally pinpointed a free 12 week program through a site called breaking muscle. It was great, I really connected with my core again (aka I could actually feel and draw in my midsection a little bit!) but I needed something more.

I miss running and working out HARD really bad. Sure it was nice to have a break but between "taking it easy" for the last trimester, "taking it easy" for 6 weeks postpartum, "taking it easy" because of my DR and I am OVERRRRR IT. I'm ready to train!! I need a new goal and a half marathon in the spring is right up my alley... IF and only if i can get my core in proper working order because if there's anything that scares me more than a life without running, it's being sidelined by an injury.

So in a desperate bid to be ready to start training by January 2016, I decided to start mutu's 12 week system because more than anything I want a strong core. And this was the only program I found that promised that without any belly-binders or restrictive juice cleanses. I was pleasantly surprised by the food recommendations (reasonable-more produce, less processed foods) and for $100 I was looking for something that would support me for the rest of my life and I think I found it. Day 1 not perfect but it is down in the books... 11 weeks 6 days to go.

And I got a pretty supportive group on my side... I won't bear any belly pics for another 12 weeks so these cute tummys will have to suffice!