#19 How did I feel the day I became a parent (almost 3.5 years ago)?

Terrified. Thrilled. Tired. 

Pure, unadulterated love and joy.

 It's been quite a journey since July 2010, and more often than not it's an awkward, bumpy, accident prone ride, but at the end of the day I have to admit that becoming a parent is just about the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 I still can't believe the incredible strength of my little fighter, my little d. He has come such a long way from his near-death birth experience, no? (the peeling skin around his eyes from the breathing mask still bring tears to my eyes...what a traumatic way to enter the world!).

LOVE him.

#17: What is the thing you most wish you were great at? EVERYTHING all at once. and #18: What do you think your spouse loves most about you?

I have been thinking about the latter question for the last few days and finally got up the courage (I was afraid I would either stump him or he would just say nothing!) to ask Mr. D about it on our Sunday night walk last night. I already knew my answer for him.

MY thoughts on what I love most about him? Two way tie for his sense of humor and awesome daddy skils. My guess was that he would think I would say something about how well he budgets money (very!) or provides for our family (always grateful for that!) but those would come in second and third place in my book, and sure enough I was correct.

I was also guessing he loved that I was a "try hard-er" if that makes any sense. As in, I do try hard to be a good wife/mother/housecleaner/dishwasher/keep myself in shape/keep my family eating healthy/try to stay under budget/look decent in public/etc.

You want to know what he said? He said he liked my work ethic.

Oh.

As in, I watch kids all day, still find time for the gym and keeping house and making dinner and blogging or anything else that happens to tickle my fancy (because, you know, I have loads of time to myself as a stay at home mom....). And I thought about it. And I guess it's true. And I try to do it all because it all makes me happy.

And we went on to have a fantastic conversation about the things we think the other is good at, and then what I wish I could do better (everything, but namely patience and self control around chocolate), and he told me about what he wished he could do better (enjoy and live in the moment), and the entire time I was thinking gosh, I am lucky to have married my best friend who can help me see the positive in myself that I may be blinded to.

I suppose sometimes we don't give ourselves the credit we deserve. And as I washed the dishes last night after watching Kardashians (gotta have a guilty pleasure to make me feel better about doing dishes), I thought about how imperfect I am, but that I am grateful for what I have been given and constantly put forth the effort to improve myself and make my situation more enjoyable for those around me. And I guess that's what having a good work ethic is all about.

30 things #16: my 5 greatest accomplishments

in chronological order:

1. Got married in the temple.

2. Graduated college and got my first "real" job

3. Survived pregnancy, a c-section and everything about raising my Little d

4. Ran the Boston Marathon in 2012

5. Rocked a fit pregnancy, VBAC and everything about raising my Little A

#15: How I knew Mr. D was the one.

We were up late at night, talking about all sorts of things about our pasts and hopes and plans for the future, sitting in the hallway of the Glenwood. I was exhausted from a long day at school and being up so late and yet I remember very distinctly thinking, this is the way I want to end every day for the rest of my life, talking to my best friend. I had known him two weeks.

#14: 5 strengths and 5 weaknesses I have

strengths:
1. I am dedicated to and passionate about what I do.
2. I love with my whole heart.
3. I value a clean house and a variety of foods in my family's daily diet.
4. I do a pretty good job of planning ahead.
5. I am good about documenting my life.

weaknesses:
1. I have a hard time making decisions on the fly.
2. I am hot-headed when something (or someone) is pushing my buttons.
3. I like to spend money, especially on other people because I tend to associate that with love.
4. When I don't want to do something I automatically start thinking of all the excuses I can use to get out of it.
5. I usually talk without thinking about what I am going to say.

#13: The hardest part of growing up

is realizing how many mistakes you have made and how you never really appreciate anything until it is gone.

#12: a typical day in my life

6ish am: little d wakes up, hollers at me, and comes upstairs to me usually bringing a slew of stuffed animals. we talk for a little bit and then he requests food so we head downstairs for breakfast. Little d gets out his bowl and spoon, picks out the cereal and I get the milk. We eat breakfast together which constitutes me eating in about 5 minutes and he talking about anything and everything and taking about 30 minutes to eat.

We change out of pajamas and play cars, basketball, etc. until 9 when we get ready for the gym.

9:15-10:45 we drive to and are at the gym

11-12 we run errands while snacking on whatever I happen to bring in little d's backpack.

12:30pm Lunch with dad at home :)

1:15pm we read two books, snuggle, say prayers and sing "I am a child of God" before naptime (usually for both little d and me!)

3pm little d wakes up and commands my attention in his room while he does flips, dances around, and otherwise shows off to me in his room until he decides he wants to go outside or play something else.

4pm snack and then more playing.

6:30 pm dinner with my boys, followed by basketball in the cold room until we brush teeth, change into pajamas and get ready for bed.

7:30 bedtime routine and little d goes to sleep (eventually).

8pm wash dishes, tidy up house, and relax in front of TV with Mr. D before bed. Usually multitasking doing laundry, cleaning, sewing, etc.

11pm finally collapse into bed, after reading for awhile.

#11: 10 pet peeves I have

1. kids being rude to their parents
2. bad smells
3. loud chewing/chewing with open mouth
4. not finishing something you started
5. Pregnancy insomnia.
6. the incessant "Why?"
7. Kevs when he is trying to get someone to let him in... nonstop cat-whining.
8. People Whining
9. when someone doesn't listen to me and I have to repeat myself multiple times
10. as of the current moment... being pregnant and some of the rude, invasive questions random strangers ask me ("why the heck haven't you had that baby yet?!" or "do you have any vericose veins?").

#10: my most embarrassing moment

I was walking down a long hill on the way to campus my freshman year. I was giving some sort of presentation so I was wearing a skirt and as I neared the bottom of the hill, Maria Kershisnik came running up behind me, and pulled down my skirt which has been riding up for who knows how long and was firmly tucked completely up behind my backpack. She had seen my full moon from the top of the hill and raced down to save me the embarrassment of continuing my blind little escapade all the way through the campus of Brigham Young University. I will forever be grateful that of all the people who saw me and didn't say anything, she did.

#9: 10 people who have influenced you and how

in no particular order...
1. my mom taught me everything i know: how to be a good friend, mother, housekeeper, wife, person, the list could go on forever!
2. my dad was the best parental influence i could have had: frugal, mild mannered, kind, considerate, and selfless.
3. my sisters are just incredible. Anna is the perfect example of hard work and dedication and independence who I could talk to for hours about absolutely nothing at all and Sarah is so much like me (or the fun crazy version of me who is a bit of a spaz sometimes but is the most spiritual and sweet person on the planet)
4. my brother as funny as it sounds, prepared me to be a mother.
5. my husband changed my life the day he asked me to go to the library with him to study.
6. the dowlings, my extended family, namely the ones in Utah, took me in like a daughter instead of an inlaw and really helped me embrace my life in Utah (and make it really really stinking hard to leave!)
7. my carrera cousins are probably singlehandedly the reason I survived my senior year and nearly forced me to be a better person at a really critical time in my life.
8. the BYU art education professors and Sari Christensen are singlehandedly the reason I discovered the job of my dreams, renewed my love of art and education, and made me so so happy.
9. My freshman/sophomore year girlfriends: Keely, Amy, Jasmine, Andrea and Katie because they were and are my very best friends and you just don't make friends like that easily.
10. Little d. If you read this blog I do not need to explain how.

#8: 5 Passions I have

1. The gospel
2. My husband
3. My babies (Kevs included!)
4. Working out and feeling strong
5. Creating (art, baking, sewing, crafting, etc)

#7: My dream job

All this, right here. (feat. Baby D, circa late July 2010)

Most difficult and yet MOST fulfilling job I can imagine having. Worth every sleepless night.
I love love LOVE being a mom.

#6: If I could have three wishes, I would wish for...

1. More wishes.
2. A stable job for Mr. D that would allow us to live somewhere for at least 5 years
3. Quick labor, easy delivery (and recovery), and a healthy happy baby girl.

30 things #5: 5 things that make me most happy right now

1. Drew Dowling
2. Little d
3. The impending arrival of my baby girl
4. Working out
5. Springtime and General Conference (they sort of go hand in hand)

30 things #4: 10 things I wish I could have told my 16 year old self

1. He's not worth your time. You don't ever need to lower your standards for someone who belittles you and makes you think you are any less than him. Get him out of your life.
2. Work on improving yourself from the inside out.
3. High school will mean nothing once you get to college. Your relationship with your family (especially your sisters!) will last a lifetime and you should learn to cultivate it.
4. Take good care of your body (and your skin! stop with the tanning beds!).
5. Be proud of your accomplishments.
6. Don't allow things you can't control (ie, a boy liking you) to control your emotions.
7. Stand in holy places and never lose your focus to work your way to the temple.
8. When you break up with someone, don't get back together with them. There is a reason why you broke up in the first place and you should try to remember that.
9. Study hard and don't procrastinate.
10. Learn how to cook! Sew! It kills me how many hours were spent on IM or moping over some boy... all those hours I should have been using to be more productive. I could have started my own boutique or bakery with Anna!

30 things #3: My relationship with my spouse

When I married Mr. D, it came with the understanding that as someone who was allergic to (and did NOT like) cats, my lifelong dream of having one was essentially squashed.... but I was okay with that. He was a total steal and of all flaws he could have possibly had, a dislike of cats was the least of my worries. In the just under four years of my dating life before I met him, I dated or nearly dated my fair share of jerks, idiots, and overall complete losers. It was so shocking to me that Mr. D actually showed interest in me because he was the complete opposite as all those other guys, so I felt like giving up the feline dream was pennies in comparison to the infinite value of an awesome husband who loved me and treated me better than any other guy (aside from you, Dad!) had ever treated me.

So imagine my surprise when not even two years after we got married (2008), a stray cat showed up in our driveway on a snowy night. I was allowed to indulge in giving treats to said cat, who four months later had kittens, one of which was our darling Kevs. I am still shocked to this day that we were able to find homes for Lucy and all her kittens except for Kevs and that Mr. D was okay with it. Let's be honest, at this point sometimes he likes Kevs a bit more than I do. Could have something to do with tripping over him on the stairs on a nightly basis in my bathroom runs. Regardless, he chose to let me keep a cat which I would never have thought in a million years he would let me do.

The same year, Mr. D graduated from BYU and could have taken a job anywhere...but he got a job (I like to think) at BYU so that I could finish my last year of school there. Then the following year when I did graduate and landed my dream job at the high school in Utah, he was content to continue working two more years there (it was a job he liked, but it was only 3/4 time).

2009 when I decided I wanted to have a baby, it only took a few weeks of convincing to get Mr. D on board. Same thing happened in 2012.

When we had little d in 2010, Mr. D played stay at home dad during the day so that I could work. He was incredible. He even helped with late night/early morning feedings.

In 2011, when I decided that enough was enough and I felt like I just couldn't do the working (full time outside the home) mom gig anymore, he encouraged me to quit. Later on that year when we couldn't find anything that suited us in Utah, he agreed we would move across the country with no jobs and no real plan to live with my parents until something turned up.

I relay all these instances because to me they are defining moments in my relationship with my husband. Every place we have lived in he has found for us and has been perfect for our situation of life. While we do not agree on everything and I struggle at times to live under the frugality that he wants for our family in order to save money, he is my perfect fit. While I have come up with a lot of the crazy ideas we have followed through with, every decision has been made together. He is my best friend, my confidante. We were sitting in the temple a few nights ago and the craziest idea popped into my mind, how would you react if you were to miscarry this baby right now? It was terrible. I hadn't felt her move in minutes (which felt at the moment like hours), and I found myself in a terrible panic....for about two minutes. Then I looked over and saw my husband, my rock. And I realized that no matter what happened to me or my family, I have him for not just time but all eternity to take care of me. I was overwhelmed with love for him and was astounded at the depth of love I felt toward him. While I felt so very in love with him on that April 28, 2006 almost 7 years ago, it has deepened since then into something truly incredible.

While we have our ups and our downs as a couple, I am confident in that decision I made as a 20 year old who had only known the man she married for 8 months. It is not a decision I took lightly and certainly not one that everyone can make so young and in such a short period of time but it was the BEST decision I have ever made. Mr. D is one of the most selfless and Christlike people I know and would do anything for his family. He makes me want to be a better person every day.

30 things #2: 3 Legitimate fears I have and how they became fears

1. Being alone in the dark and getting attacked by someone. This probably comes from too much watching "To catch a predator" when I was younger. Also just being on my own in college and walking around in the dark solo (something I never really did while living at home) sort of allowed my imagination to run wild.

2. Mr. D dying and leaving me to raise two kids on my own. I was actually more scared before having kids that he would die and leave me alone (he wouldn't dare), although now the challenge of having to provide for two kids as well as myself is certainly more terrifying.

3. Spiders I cannot see, specifically a spider coming out of the toilet while I am on it. The movie "Arachnidphobia" was certainly a catalyst for this thinking but also I flush just about every bug and spider I catch (heaven forbid I don't crush them enough when I put them in a tissue in the trash and they crawl out on me) and I do worry sometimes that they will resurrect from their watery grave and unleash some revenge.

Augh, that was awful. To make up for it:

30 things I want my kids to know about me #1

Challenge #1: 20 random facts about me.

1. I really like cold (baked) desserts. I would take a frozen muffin over one fresh from the oven any day of the week.
2. While I love art, making art without a purpose or function tends to drive me crazy.... I mean what do I do with it all? This is why I have given away most of my art, and why I think baking and sewing are much more appealing to me.
3. I don't like vans, mini or otherwise. We will never own one.
4. I am a terrible swimmer. My parents put me in swim lessons... When I was 12. So it didn't really do anything for me.
5. I read the Book of Mormon for the first time on my own at 19, the summer before I met mr. D.
6. Training for the Boston marathon was the second hardest and yet rewarding thing I have ever done, the first being the process of becoming a mom.
7. I planted my first garden in 2008 and cannot wait until we have a home of our own so I can plant another one... I think there is something incredible and almost spiritual about gardens.
8. 1997 was the year Anna and I ruined Christmas by opening all the presents before anyone else woke up. I've never seen my mom so sad. It also coincided with when my mom told us she was pregnant with dk, and happens to be my strongest memory to date.
9. I didn't go on my first date till I was 16, my first kiss was from my first boyfriend and it was terrible. I dumped him the next day.
10. I used to love babysitting other kids. Now that I have my own, I have no desire to spend time with anyone's kids but my own.
11. You can add singing and math to my list of weaknesses, right after swimming.
12. I love taking risks and being self taught... I taught myself how to cook, bake, sew, and paint. I would much rather do something myself than to buy it from someone.
13. Kara Goucher is my favorite athlete, mostly because she and I had first babies around the same time. And I've been told I look like her.
14. Learning to strength train transformed my body and has allowed me to do things I never thought possible, without the back pain I struggled with for years.
15. My first concert was *NSYNC with Anna and my dad in middle school and justin timberlake is still one of my most favorite musicians.
16. I had a terrible nail biting habit for years and tried everything to stop... It took getting braces at 11 to finally break the habit cold turkey and I haven't done it since.
17. I got glasses at 10 and at 11 decided I would refuse to wear them until I could convince my mom to let me wear contacts.... It worked.
18. It wasn't until I worked on a self portrait drawing my senior year of high school that I realized my pupils were not exactly in the center of my irises and it blew my mind.
19. Since I had braces for years, the first thing I notice about people is their teeth. On mr. D, however (who has perfect teeth), I first noticed his dimples.
20. When the nurse handed me little d for the first time, what I remember I initially noticed about him was what looked like a lipstick kiss stain on his forehead. It disappeared quickly. But I still remember being shocked at how perfect his button nose and pouty lips were, exactly like they looked in the ultrasound.