reflecting on my 3rd whole30 and some diastasis recti frustrations (nearly 3 years later and I'm still as "all belly" as I ever was while pregnant)

So about that Whole30.... it was perfect. It felt easy most days with a couple of friends doing it alongside me and these yummy Fast and Easy recipes I was loving. A perfect 35-ish days of Whole30 eating and honestly I felt so good and I was in such a GOOD funk I didn't even realize it... until I fell off the Whole30 train hard on Superbowl weekend and realized how tired, swollen and gross I felt when I got OFF Whole30.

So most of Feburary I have spent struggling to find motivation for much of anything. I didn't want to blog about Whole30, I didn't want to wake up early or go to bed at a decent hour, I didn't feel like reading any of the half dozen books I am working on, I had no motivation to paint or draw or make meals anymore, I didn't even want to work out (which is an all time low for me!). I effectively hit a post-whole30 black hole and here's the issue: I LOVE the way I ate (the meals were SO GOOD!) and felt on Whole30. But my kids hated it (AKA every meal I made was met with disgust), my husband was supportive but relieved when I was done with it, and taking sugar out of everything is SO STINKING EXPENSIVE. ($8 bacon...as in, $8 for like 10 slices but it was made without sugar!! Madness!). I was really, REALLY hoping that doing a Whole30 would be the springboard I could use to put me on the path back to health I never fully found after having the twins.

I did lose a couple of pounds I needed to lose in January. I lost a little bit of body fat. But then I looked back on weight and measurements I had taken this time last year and I was THE SAME Literally. To the 1/10th of a pound and to the inch, exactly. Which was a hard hit. What was all this work and prepping and everything for if it wasn't making a difference? I had even been doing my Mutu workouts for a month solid, never missing a day, getting weekly PT massages to help my mess of a midsection and I still looked 5 months pregnant. I threw away all my heels. I got all zero-drop/minimalist shoes. I stopped running (because it was putting a lot of pressure on my DR). I varied my workouts, tried crossfit for 6 months (which made it worse), I changed my diet and I saw ZERO results. I am back to where I was a year ago, which was not a great place to be at. So where do I go from here? Am I seriously destined to live the rest of my life with people telling me how great I look to be pregnant with #5?? I have been doing the same MUTU workouts for 2.5 years and I still can't get past week 2 because my Gap won't close up smaller than a "2". I have read more articles and done more research on Diastasis Recti than I have for all papers I have ever written, combined, in both high school and college.

I still cannot believe the twins will be 3 years old in two months. I am happy and excited to be entering this new stage of life that doesn't involve baby things, where we are so close (with Lan at least!) to going without diapers, and can manage without naps if we need to. But I am terribly disappointed in my body and how far behind I feel in relation to the twins age. I work so hard in the gym, on the "proper" core exercises, and while I do not always eat perfectly, I did for a month and observed basically no change in my body (aside from an initial deflation of the bloating/pregnant looking belly).

I'm not looking for a pity party or a quick fix... I am just grateful I have this space where I can finally put down all the feelings that have been building up inside of me for years. Frustrated and disappointed when I have been trying to hard to be grateful and proud. But I will not stop working hard. I will not give up. This is only a small moment in time, and hopefully, God willing, I can look at this post in my newsfeed in a year or two or 5 and recognize and really appreciate the change that will have happened to my body. Because I haven't found the right fix for it yet. But I will.

I will.

#hobbitwhole30 days 12-18

The last couple days kicked off with a dream about chocolate where I was in church getting hershey's miniatures for answering questions correctly. I woke up in a cold sweat and had to tell Drew about it to make sure that it was a dream (I was completely freaking out about how I would have to start over again, thankfully I was also a teenager in the dream so that did tip me off a bit).

DAY TWELVE

...all about those frittatas! (if you haven't tried it yet.. WHY NOT?!)

 big-ish snack because I was ravenous!

 egg drop soup for dinner while everyone else had ramen with egg (so good with the fish sauce!)

 DAY THIRTEEN

we had a crepes breakfast so this was me trying not to think about nutella (and getting a 2 hours late breakfast....hangry!) Then grabbed a quick lunch before heading out for errands (and an RXbar!)

 then probably my favorite dinner of all time because THAT CASHEW CHICKEN!!! AMAZING!

 DAY FOURTEEN 

Cashew chicken in a makeshift salad for brunch! then sort of a whatever dinner (no I did not eat all the berries, that was the twins job!)

 DAY FIFTEEN

Yup that is two days in a row of salad for breakfast. BUT THAT CASHEW CHICKEN!!! Then I sheet panned it for lunch and dinner with some salmon and green beans and potatoes

 DAY SIXTEEN

Per request: CC pancakes (Kodiak Cakes!) for the kiddos, a new candle (trying this whole "treating yourself without treats") and some eggs with leftovers for me!, then postworkout snacks

 Lunch I made the mistake of getting Terra chips (ate too many!) but the rest was delish then mexican chicken soup for dinner (yum!).. I am so impressed with the recipes in the fast and easy cookbook!

 more frittatas but this time not as crazy looking!

 DAY SEVENTEEN

I woke up NOT HUNGRY. What?!?! One frittata before heading to the gym was all I could manage. Then I made butternut squash apple soup and it was the closest thing to panera I have gotten in about 4 recipes!! Threw in some broiled Aidell's chicken sausage before I ate it. Perfect meal!

 PM snacks to tide me over till dinner....

 worth it! Also the clementines at costco have been AMAZING and since I can't take Emergen-C and everyone around me seems to be getting sick its the closest I can get to some immunity!!

 DAY EIGHTEEN: Enter the SWOODLES!! (Sweet potato noodles)

I got a spiralizer (finally!!) after debating it for months (years?) and do not regret it. Favorite breakfast?! YES! The kids even tried it after trying a spiralized apple. And now I need to go make some more of that NNP Pesto because HOLY COW it makes EVERYTHING taste amazing!

 Lunch was repeat (happily) of breakfast, then I ended up still hungry so I had some more butternut squash soup with sausage for a "snack". Dinner was costco pork (Whole30 hack!!!) with swoodles and guac and tomatoes and of course more clementines.

It is hard to think about life after whole30 right now. I am planning on getting this book next month to help with the transition because this time around unlike the other times, I am so excited to be eating the way I am eating and aside from occasionally missing bread or chocolate I am really really happy to be eating the way I am eating all the time.

I still can't believe tomorrow will be day 19! Day 23 will officially be my "halfway" point but it is true what they say, that once you hit that initial two week the next two weeks fly by! I have felt my energy grow throughout the day instead of dwindle and I am really enjoying the new habits I am developing. This weekend will be one full of out of town family for the funeral (tonight's dinner being the first of a few shared meals), but since we ate at my house I was able to transform the sandwiches everyone else was eating into a hawaiian haystack of sorts for myself. And I have SO much leftovers from the past few days that while I REALLY want to make some more NNP chili or some more cashew chicken, I can hold off till at least Sunday night! What a great feeling. Bring on the weekend!

#HobbitWhole30 days 5-11

I still cannot believe I am already on my 12th day into this thing. It simultaneously feels like I just started (and I am almost halfway!) and like I have been doing it forever. 3rd time continues to be more fulfilling and dare I say easier than the first two. No headaches this time around, and my "hangover" was minimal (and probably only accentuated by my kids being pains because it is winter and I can't get them outside to burn all their energy out)

Anyways. DAY FOUR

Breakfast (chicken sausage with broccoli and guac)

 

 post workout egg and apples

 It was kind of a crazy day so I ended up throwing together the leftover shrimp mango avocado salad from a jar without taking a picture.

Midday I was feel SO HUNGRY so a handful of cashews with a banana and egg helped tide me over till dinner.

Then I had this amazing salad for dinner...leftover meatballs with lettuce and all the veggies and my homemade ranch

 DAY FIVE

Breakfast--eggs, guac and broc

 lunch was sooo late on Saturday. I was out running errands at lunchtime and had to eat an Rx bar (my first this cycle, blueberry and it tasted like a blueberry muffin!). I think I ate at 3pm but it was worth it because I found compliant bacon at whole foods (!) and had that with meatballs, peppers, cucumbers and my ranch in a romaine salad.

Dinner was a good example of what I strive to do for the family for dinner when I am eating whole30

 They got the same salsa chicken and carrots and pineapple but got a little rice (which, jokes on me, nobody liked!!).. My food is bottom left and Drew's is bottom right. I couldn't even finish my salad, which was rare but I did eat a late lunch.

DAY SEVEN

I was fasting today, so my dinner was massive but really hit the spot. Usually when I fast I end up having a headache both before I eat and after and then I get a stomach ache afterwards (because I eat too much!). Well, I don't know if it was the kind of food I was eating but I drank two waterbottles (20 oz each) before dinner and felt amazing! I was full and still felt great. Everyone else got "breakfast for dinner" with scrambled eggs and sweet potatoes and I did make two kinds of bacon (and had to keep the babies away from my bacon!!)

DAY EIGHT

Breakfast was basically a repeat of dinner with avocado (Since the babies ate all the pineapple!)

 lunch was meatball salad with my dressing (not shown). SO good!

 For dinner I used the Fast and Easy cookbook again and had Warm Salmon Potato Arugula salad, so the kids got  "pink tuna dip" (Salmon with mayo, one of their favorites is tuna with mayo). Everyone tried the little potatoes and I attempted round two of getting them to eat that rice (no body liked it. ask me if I care?).

 DAY NINE

Breakfast...I got a new waffle maker so made Kodiak cakes for the kids and had leftover roast veg with eggs

 Lunch was leftover salmon arugula salad (because, 4 servings, and I'm the only one eating it! I thought it was too salty the first day but today it was perfect)

 I made Nom Nom Paleo's chili for dinner but on the stovetop since I do not have an instapot. So good!!

 I finally made NNP's Prosciutto wrapped frittata muffins (shocker that I got sick of eggs in the first week?). It's a shame I didn't try one for two days but they smelled so good!

 DAY TEN

I was NOT feeling breakfast. So I went with leftovers and when that didn't seem like enough a little extra protein and carb. Post Workout was two eggs (nearly pillaged by a twin obviously) and apple.

 lunch was the last of the chili with guac, and I attempted to make slow cooker BBQ chicken with homemade sauce but...the liquid smoke that I added last had MOLASSES!!! GAHHH.

 So I packed them up and made salads to share instead of eating it myself.

 I just settled for leftovers for dinner. Then realized I had WAY too many potatoes, left the rest and went for a small green salad with the last of my ranch!

 DAY ELEVEN

Michelle had given me some arugula pesto and I still had some chicken from a few days ago so I was hoping it would liven up my chicken. IT DID. Mind blown. Raw peppers with sweet potatoes and chicken and pesto all over...

 So nice I had to make it twice! Same for lunch but added clementines (and HB egg) since it was post workout.

Dinner was amazing! The last 1.5 meatballs in an arugula salad with some new dressing I wanted to try.

 Sometimes when people mention it, I do miss things like nutella on toast or just a handful of chocolate chips (yes I obviously have the worst kind of sweet tooth!). But honestly most of the last week and a half I have really felt the benefits of eating WHOLE REAL foods all the time. yes my sink is FULL of dishes every day...making everything from scratch is sometimes a real pain and it would be so nice to just go out to grab something to eat. But ultimately at the start or the end of the day when I really think about it, Whole30 has made it so much easier for me to make decisions in what to eat and what to avoid. My willpower is shot by 7pm but at least I feel like all the decisions have already been made for me.Planning and prepping ahead have been KEY to my success and feeling good about this process. It is work, but work that I will happily take because of the way it makes me feel. My Non-Scale Victories (NSV's) have been racking up and I have very little to complain about this round of whole30. My Psoriasis is not gone but it is better and I notice my skin does recover faster than it usually does when I get a cut or sore. I don't go to bed or wake up bloated which I did DAILY for years. My energy is such that even though I am getting barely 6 hours of sleep a night (something I am working on), I no longer hit my usual 2-5pm slump where I felt the need to EAT EVERYTHING to stay awake. I thought it would be hard to have only 3 meals a day but now that I have really learned my portion sizes (at least better than the last time I was on Whole30 2 years ago), I eat till I am full and then I am content until the next meal, probably in part because I know exactly what to expect for the next meal. I don't plan more than a few meals in advance and obviously do a lot of repeats but on the whole, I LOVE my meals and would take one of them to a fancy restaurant meal any day of the week because I know exactly how good it tastes and how good it is for me.

My journey is far from over but it is making steady progress in the right direction. If this is how I feel 11 days in I am excited to see how 30 and then 45 days of this makes me feel!

MY WHY...Nearly 9 full days into my #HobbitWhole30

Just over two weeks ago Drew's aunt mentioned that she was planning on doing a Whole30. I laughed to myself and thought...well, better her than me. Then I really thought about how I was feeling...how I felt mentally, emotionally and physically. 2017 was a really good year but it was also a year where while I took care of myself on the outside (working out, showering enough, sleeping enough), I was damaged on the inside. And while some parts of me have shown that damage (ie my stomach) for the last year and change, other parts starting rearing their ugly heads. I started breaking out a lot over November-December, more than I even remember in middle school when I hit puberty. I rarely ever break out, and then when I started getting cold sores and on top of THAT, my psoriasis flared up like crazy on the back of my neck on New Year's eve and I knew I had to do it.

I had to push that RESET button.

Figure out what it was that was upsetting my body and do what I could to correct it.

2014 was the first time around that I read most of It Starts With Food (there are some super sciencey parts I really had to glaze over) and did a measly 14 days on Whole30, I realized it had a lot of rules, which when I broke one on day 4 and realized I had been eating turkey that was non compliant (!!), I started over again. Either way I did not make it the Whole30, mostly from lack of knowledge (I ran out of recipes and got bored pretty fast) and community/support (people thought I was crazy and/or amazing for "doing what I could do", which I guess, looking back on it when I had a barely one year old baby and a 4 year old preschooler and a traveling all the time husband, I suppose I would have said the same to myself). It didn't help that I had been on a week and then it was Mother's day weekend so Drew was not thrilled that he could not get me/make me any treats, but I heavily hinted on some new Yankee Candles and he delivered! I learned a lot of lessons from that Whole15, but vowed that it was not for me and figured I could lose the last 5 pounds of baby weight by carb cycling instead. Then a month later I got pregnant with twins...

2016- Two years later, the twins had turned one, were done with nursing and I was still in shock with how terrible my body still looked. So in July I embarked on a second attempt (first full one I completed) of Whole30.  This time as well as the last I realized how much sugar I really eat (A LOT BECAUSE ITS IN EVERYTHING), that I use sugar as reward/punishment/motivation/when I feel like yelling at my kids so I hide in the pantry eating ice cream. FOUR KIDS IS HARD but doing the whole30 helped me realize that I can still do hard things. Two months after finishing whole30 I found out we were going to move and so began my crazy stress eating that continued for over a year till...

This year. 2018. Instead of being single digits away from my pre-pregnancy weight I was now double digits, and stagnated at basically the same weight I was when I was 6 weeks post-twins (mind blowing!!). I knew my body had changed some but not much since I had the twins nearly 3 years ago, and so I consented to another Whole30, knowing exactly what I was going into. My psoriasis since I had little d has always been on my hands (tiny little cuts all over) and a little on my knees and elbows (dry scaly skin that cannot be loofah'd away). After the twins it sprung up on my ankles, I went to multiple doctors about it and they all gave me lotions or recommended treatment that would only work for a short time: this was something I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Then when in the month before we moved I noticed it on my scalp, but it was not noticeable (you can thank my mom giving me that huge head of hair on that one!). It slowly started to spread when we moved to Utah, but for the most part was just a little circle that itched on the edge of my hairline....the crazy part is my hands actually GOT BETTER since moving to utah, without me really doing much. So crazy right?! Then like I mentioned, on New Years Eve going into 2018, it spread down my neck SO bad. So now everyone could see it and it hurt like a sunburn. I feel asleep crying every night for a couple of days it hurt so bad. Even turning my neck hurt! So when January 1 came around the next day I was ready to take the plunge into Whole30 a few days earlier than my friends and I were anticipating.

 How the psoriasis on my knees and ankles looked the night before my whole30:

It has not been easy. My day to day is filled with temptation because I have four kids that pretty consistently eat stuff I do not. But thankfully our routine most of their lives has been that I usually eat something completely different than they do for breakfast and lunch, then I make a dinner for everyone unless what I am making is something I don't want to share then I am fine making them their mac n cheese or ramen and eggs (gag!). I shifted away from cereal in the last 6 years, and since I was doing Clean Simple Eats on and off in 2017 (and lots of "Clean Simple treats" obviously!), I was getting better with portion sizes than I did right after I stopped nursing the twins, and I was making sure to have protein at every meal, since both Bob Harper and Chris Powell advocate for that. Honestly, this round of Whole30 has been less about changing my meals and more about changing my snacking options. I felt like I ate all day every day last year, lots of snacks and at least at treat or two EVERY DAY. As cliche as it sounds, you really cannot outwork(out) a bad diet and I was running myself ragged (and depressed! because it SO doesn't work!!) trying to do so.

I can't believe I am almost 1/3 of the way "there". I am equal parts excited and terrified to be "off-roading" again. It is SO nice to feel my stomach and not because it is bloated (it's not! at last!). My goal with this Whole30 is to REALLY figure out what works and does not work for my body like you are supposed to. I love the new Whole 30 day by day journal I got (thanks to Sarah and McKay for the gift card!) and the Fast and Easy Cookbook has been my go-to the last week, I love the recipes so far and a few are officially cemented as regular favorites for me. No I am not affiliated with Whole30, nor do I get paid for those links, but I did get them at Target and they have been super helpful for me on this round especially. But the reflections and the helps on each day make such a big difference, not to mention Aunt Michelle and Cousin Erika (and Kenna) doing it alongside me. Social media makes it so much easier to find new recipes that are crazy good and all in all, this has not been as difficult as I imagined. It still stinks not eating bread when little d makes Nutella on toast but when the 3-5 minutes of temptation passes and I realize I dominated that temptation, it is so much sweeter to me than even the most perfectly made Nutella toast. I go to bed feeling good and wake up feeling even better, which is something I have rarely done in the last two years since my last Whole30.

Here's to another 21 days!