Little A had her first recital! And our vineyard Homie is in contract! Its been a crazy day!

This night mode on my phone is really impressive..not too shabby for 8pm outside!

Baby girl did amazing on her little Jazz Dance and loved everything about it! The costume was a rental so we only got the official pictures by herself and with her class, and this was the only one we got tonight! So grateful Sarah and N came to watch with us!

Backing up to last night, I stayed up wayyyy too late doing laundry and cleaning the house for a morning showing, which we were going ahead and doing even though we just had an offer Saturday night, because why not? I took the kids to breakfast so they wouldn't messy the house up and would you believe each of my kids ate an entire Einstein Bros bagel?! We have never gone out to breakfast because I don't like going out to eat anyways so this was such a treat! They cancelled the showing just after we took this picture (ha! on me!) but I still went back to the house and finished up my cleaning (vacuum and kids bathroom) while the kids tablet-ed in the car for 30 minutes before leaving for the gym and groceries because I have a reeeeeally hard time when I clean not getting everything cleaned up (which is why it's probably easier for me to just not clean at all!). I believe we had 2 open houses, 5 showings and if you add in the cleaning I did before the pictures were taken, I have cleaned my house like crazy 8 times in the last two weeks! Yes I feel like a crazy person but when we sent in our counter offer earlier today, I felt good about it... and they accepted it tonight!! (Mid concert of course but at least it was not in the middle of A's performance!)

(this was her costume for the show on picture day last week... so glad we got a lovely picture of her in this dress since I didn't get any good shots of her in it tonight!)

The craziest thing is that we got our offer Saturday December 15th, which was the day we moved into the Ohio house and a day that will forever be filled with warm fuzzies because of that. There is a tiny nagging voice that wants to remind me of what happened in our Ohio house (we fell out of contract when the buyers couldn't get the loan, and then had to borrow money from family to carry us inbetween home purchase and sale!), but then a much stronger voice that reminds that voice, so what? Everything worked out in the way it was supposed to, and everything worked out to our benefit. We sold our Ohio house in the end (and I think made a little more money than the first time we got into contract with it?) and got this amazing Utah house.

Little d showed me a memory box he was working on tonight. He told me he had collected things from every house he had ever lived in (that he remembered obviously) and wanted to make sure he could remember everything. There is something so powerful embedded in memories and art and while I was not able to explore that as much as I could have here, I hope to be able to draw from it more after we move. The twins are oblivious to what is going on, A is a mess about it, and D seems to be cautiously excited for the next phase... let's just hope we don't disappoint him in our home selection (his words: LOTS OF KIDS TO PLAY WITH PLEASE).

Everything about this has been Hard in some way. I don't deal appropriately with stress in these situations, and while there are things to stress about in this next phase for the next 45 days or so, I am going to make a conscious effort to let things go in the best possible way. With all of our moves it is hard not to think of Lehi (from the Book Of Mormon) and his family, wandering in the wilderness for years, knowing that the Lord wanted them to go to a Promised Land but they had no idea how they were going to get there or even where exactly it was. I feel a lot like Lehi with all these moves. I am sure he had the same desires in his heart, to settle down and raise his family properly and safely without the burden of traveling in the wilderness. But he never questioned the Lord in guiding him, never set a deadline for Him and then decided to abandon the plan if the deadline was not met. Drew and I both grew up in our same (respective) homes nearly our entire lives and we loved that stability and made that one of our highest priorities, which is why we moved out of Utah to Ohio, then Ohio to Massachusetts, then back to Ohio, and to Utah again only to head back to the midwest. "All these things shall be for thy experience and shall be for thy good."

We both came to Utah (from Massachusetts and Ohio) fresh out of high school, wanting to get a college degree at a University that would have a lot of people who held our same values.

We came out of Utah with two college degrees, an eternal companion, a cat, and our firstborn.

We left Utah for Ohio wanting to be closer to family.

In Ohio I had a part time job I had for a month, the only one I was ever fired from due to a misunderstanding, but a job that helped me realize I really wanted to be home with my babies if I could. We lived with my parents for almost 8 months, long enough for Drew to find a job that would move us to Massachusetts and then train for that job (traveling) for the better part of 4 months while I trained for my first marathon and spent a lot of quality time with my parents and DK.

We left Ohio for Massachusetts because that was where Drew's work sent him after he completed his travel-training. Drew and I both have a deep love for Massachusetts, but realized in the short year and 8 months we lived there (for 8 months living with his parents in their basement), that the cost of living coupled with the condition of homes (so charming and quaint but so old!) that were in our price range, did not make it the ideal place for our family. 

We left Massachusetts for Ohio on relocation, Drew mentioned that he was struggling with the lack of compensation for cost of living and we were open to the midwest. Ohio was a perfect fit for us. Except... Drew was still traveling a lot for his job. I am so grateful to have lived there during the time my sister came home from her mission and between her and DK and my parents (and the Wilsons!) were able to help me with the birth of the twins and everything that came with that challenge.

We left Ohio for Utah for a relocation and knew about it 8 months in advance of when we planned to move. Everyone knew about it and it was a difficult and slow and painful transition. Drew kept searching for jobs in Ohio but even after he got one (and only one) offer, we just didn't feel right about it--it would require possibly just as much travel as he had been through the last 6 years. So we moved to Utah because like all the other moves, it felt right. In that crazy week after we had moved out to Utah and were staying in temp housing because our house here was not done yet, Drew mentioned he did not think this move to Utah would be our last. Which is too bad because I swore off moving forever! I ADORED my house in Utah in a way I never thought I would love a car (but similar in a way to how much I adore having the twins or my Honda Pilot... it's hard to imagine life without them!). I got put into a calling my church that allowed me to get to know everyone in the neighborhood for awhile, which further entrenched my love of Vineyard and although the progress of growth was slow (for everything but the houses of course!), I loved being involved in my neighborhood and community and feeling like I was an integral part of it.

Then the bajillion interviews finally paid off and Drew got a job offer. A good one. And even though his company of 7 years, that he had been devoted and loyal to through the crazy travel and customers, contemplated offering us a chance to move back to Ohio, we felt good about the new job offer and crazily enough, about Louisville.

Yesterday one of the youth I worked with gave a little talk about the Unity the young women in our church have. That on any given Sunday you would walk in and see a roomful of smiles....except for the Sunday a few weeks ago when I told them we were putting the house on the market. That crushed me to my core. There have been times along the journey and the moves (so so many moves) that I have wondered if we were making the right choice or not. But never have I had so many doubts in my mind as I do with this move, not internally (when Drew and I made this decision together) but from outside forces, and I don't mean that in a bad way. Simply put, we have been here for only 18 months but we have thrown ourselves into this situation just like we have all the others. And when you are so very vulnerable and your heart is open it is impossible not to get hurt.

We have been in Utah for my sister's wedding, the last few months of life and the funeral of Granny and Grandpa Phil, we have been here to send my brother out on his mission, to be here for the baby blessing of our first nephew. We have lived close enough to Drew's brother and sister in law in Seattle to go visit twice, to take the whole family down to Arizona to visit Drew's mission, to visit Montana with much of Drew's family for a 4th of July vacation twice, we hiked the Y as a family twice (and went on a couple other hikes!), I was able to jet down to Dallas to visit with my nephew (and B&N obviously) and to get to know my brother in law McKay a little better than if we were living anywhere else. Our kids love to recognize and visit the temples around here, reconnect with old friends and extended family members, explore the campus were Drew and I grew into (sort of) adults, visit Sarah in her first full time job at the high school. I could go on but I don't think I need to...that we managed to pack a lifetime of Utah experiences into 18 months is kind of unbelievable. We did everything we intended to do (almost--never made it out to Hawaii or Disney Land) and so much more.

Now that chapter on our time in Utah will close on February 7, when we will move back to the Midwest for Drew to start (or I guess continue, since he was there two weeks ago and is there now) working in Louisville, and for our family to settle in to living just across the river in Southern Indiana. I feel like I could have written an entire post about the entire process I had with (and without) Drew going there two weeks ago to figure out were we needed to go, but to be honest it was so draining and emotional it was hard to find words. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was led to the right (and wrong!) houses to search, that I was able with the influence of the Spirit of God (and a whole lot of research and hard work on my part!!) to narrow down the state, and then the region, and then the town, the school district and ultimately the neighborhood that Drew and I needed to be. We are currently navigating our way through deciding between 7 houses, each of which we would be so blessed to have. Lots of prayers and questions and pleadings have led to this moment in time, and even when my #1 choice (that had been on the market 100 days when I had a showing!!!) got taken off the market right when we got back from our visit and before we were ready to make an offer, I made the conscious decision to choose Faith. Faith that God in his infinite wisdom, would (just as he had in Ohio and Utah) guide us to the "perfect" place for our family to live. It is this Faith that helps dispel my concerns for my kids--how they will like this new house compared to our Utah house, how they will adjust to the move mid school year, how they will find new friends, etc. It is this Faith that led me to a tiny town to a tiny primary school where I was able to sit with the principal and hear her tell me that every morning during announcements, she would always remind the children how she loved each one of them. This is a public school, but certainly not just an ordinary one. If the first half of my week in Louisville was defined by crushing disappointment and devastation in indecision, the second half could certainly be characterized as the complete opposite--of hope, excitement even, and even more Faith that in raising my children they would not be scarred by living in three homes in three different states in three years, rather, this would also be for their experience as well as ours (Drew and me).

The next month or two will not be easy. And as I so vividly still remember from the difficult first six months living here in Utah, 2019 will not be easy. But we can do hard things. And if our family has learned anything more poignantly the last two years it is that we can make the best situation out of just about anything with Faith and Hope (and a lot of patience... I will be needing a LOT of patience this next year!).

Grandpa Phil

Drew's maternal grandfather "Grandpa Phil" passed away this morning and while it had been a long time coming and was expected, I have just had this wonderful rush of memories and I wanted to be sure I jotted them down before I forgot.

Most of my memories are of him the first 5 years after I married Drew. Drew and I got engaged just a week or so after his wife Patsy died. I never really thought about that but the few times I met her and any time I talked to Phil about her showed that she was the absolute love of his life, and then he loses her and Drew and I get married three months later and he flew to Ohio (with Aunt Jamie!) and they were one of the few extended family members that made it out there and I never thought about how that must have been really hard for him or thanked him for being there to support us.

We visited with Grandpa Phil often those early years of marriage, since he lived in the same town as we did, me more so than Drew because I loved to hear about his theories and his view of the world. We could talk on creativity for hours and I wish I had written more of those conversations down. He inspired me and encouraged me and showed me the art he made before he decided to go to Harvard and use "his smarts" but he still had the ache of creativity and we just always resonated from the first meeting. I was so worried about him being alone with his work and his writings, in the early days of the kittens when we were finding them all homes I even brought Kevin to stay with him for a day or two to see how he liked having a pet! Needless to say, he felt Kevin was a little too high maintenance (ha!) as he would follow him around everywhere but he still loved him, so it was fitting that in the end we ended up keeping little Kevs, which Grandpa Phil was always happy to see him. Phil took Drew and I down to the town of Annabella, to show me his childhood home, which ended up being part of the inspiration to name our little lady. I will never forget how often he would take me to a corner of the room that housed his artwork, and that he was just as proud of those sculptures as he was of his Harvard Degree.

The last year or so when I was teaching and pregnant and visiting with Phil he was always working through his theories on the computer. He always had so much going on in his mind and while he would occasionally repeat a story or theory to me, he always taught me something new. I was so nervous about being a first time mom and he had so much confidence in my ability to mother and love my child while still being able to be creative. He came by to visit me just after I came home with little D and I still remember how in awe I was at him, doing something that I thought was reserved for women and mothers and grandmothers, to visit so early after a baby was born but he was just like that, so sensitive to needs and full of love and concern and wanting to care for others,

 All these photos are from my other blog, another reason I am so grateful I have been blogging all these years...it is so easy to look down memory lane when you can use search terms! Here is Gpa Phil with little d and Gpa Mike at a wedding reception just before little d turned one.

 And one last picture I got before we moved out of Utah a few months later... I had such a strong relationship with him and while I knew it would change I could never have expected how much would change in such a short period of time.

 I came back not quite a year later for Sarah's first marathon and we got to hang out, nothing had changed at that point and it was so much fun to see him run around with little d!

 THIS.

Grandpa Phil gave some of the best hugs.

 Fast forward a few years (2013) and I brought little A to visit her great grandpa for the first time. We still visited but I suspected that something was changing with him. It was hard and I had a pretty rough grieving process after this trip, knowing that old age or a stroke or something had taken away a huge part of the Phil I knew and loved. He had no idea what theories I wanted to talk about with him but he kept telling me he knew I was his favorite because we had creative minds.... it was a relief to see that his heart was still there.

 The twins got to meet Great Grandpa Phil when we came out for a wedding in 2016 and so much had changed. I am sure seeing so many wild and crazy kids was overwhelming but he was confused most of our quick visit, and I felt like we made him feel uncomfortable. I was so excited to see him after so many years, even after what I heard from other family members about him forgetting things, I thought for sure he would remember how he would always call my kids "geniuses" or tell Drew how much he lucked out in marrying me, that I was the best thing that happened to him. This visit was sad and it was my last with him, although at the time I thought it was because we would not be back in Utah. But the truth is, we came back but whatever he was dealing with mentally had progressed so much that I was cautioned to not visit him, and to be honest, I am grateful for that. I am grateful that 95% of my memories of him are him at his best. That while I never documented in words or photographs the hours I spent there trying to figure out the universe, someday I'll have all those memories back, just like he has them all now.

I don't know why people have to suffer so much like Phil did in those last years of his life, in what I am sure would have had to be the most excruciating way for such a sharp mind like his. But I know he is at least reunited with his beautiful wife and restored mentally to his very best state. I am grateful for his influence love and support in my life during the time in my life that I was most in need of good influences and role models and was thousands of miles away from a biological dad or grandfather. In my mind, and in what I hope to teach my children about him, he will always be a genius, an artist, a creative conglomeration of the very best in behavioral psychology as well as creative thought.

Saying Goodbye to Granny

Drew's paternal grandmother, Granny, was a huge source of stability for me during one of my toughest years. The year 2010 when little D was born, I went back to work 3 weeks later (!), then Drew went back to work shortly after that. We were so lucky not to have a babysitter, that I could work from 7-3, and then Drew didn't have to go into work until the late afternoon or early evening, but he worked late for BYU Athletics, and he worked weekends. After the second weekend I decided that instead of moping around on Friday night missing him, I would do something to make me happy. And that something was to go visit with Granny. So for that 2010-2011 school year, Granny was my Friday night date. There were a few times she was not feeling well for a visit but most of the time we came and we chatted while Little D played on the floor (usually with Charlie, The Best Dog of All Time, RIP), even if it was for a short while. I remember specifically having Uncle Chris pull me aside and tell me that our 1 hour visits were a little too long for her, so we cut them back to about half an hour as to not tire her so much. She turned 91 that year and she was still occasionally swimming in the pool in the summer!

Of course Summer of 2011 we moved to Ohio, and said our goodbyes to Granny, for what we were sure would be the last time. Then my sister decided to run her first marathon and we (little d and I) got to come back in the Spring of 2012 to visit her in Utah, for what I was sure was the last time. But despite her physical health not being great, she was still a joy to chat with and sharp as a tack.

Then the next year, fall of 2013, I had a roommate from BYU get married in Utah, so I came out with little A and it was such a thrill for Granny to meet her. "The Most Beautiful, happy and well behaved baby, just like her dad!" (she said the same thing about little d!). Then I got pregnant with the twins and was certain we would never have an excuse to come out to Utah again...

Until Mike married Laura in the last summer of 2016, and we had yet another excuse to come out to Utah, and Granny was still alive and well! When we said goodbye to her then we thought it was our last goodbye, but of course then we found out we would be moving the next spring! I got my hopes up about everything Utah-related, including seeing Granny but Drew reminded me not to get them up too high since Granny's health was deteriorating and it would not take much for her to go.



But. We moved to Utah in May 2017, just after Granny got put into a nursing home. It was not far from our house (within 15 minutes), and after developing such a good relationship with my paternal Grandmother over the last 3 years, I really wanted to continue that weekly tradition of grandparent visiting. My grandma was a lot more active and had a lot of toys she had slowly accrued over the years, so it was a stark contrast to visiting with Granny who was a few decades older and not at all mobile. But I persisted and even though our visits did not last too long while she lived there, it was fun to see the kids run around and play in the water fountain (usually soaking themselves in the process) while I got to visit with Granny. It helped that it was right next door to a bulk foods grocery store so we were able to grab a treat before or after, usually a lollipop they could suck on while they colored or watched TV with or talked to granny.

Sometime in the fall, Granny got moved to a new facility, one that had carpet (so the kids could play on the floor!) and a recliner (everyone's favorite seat), a mini fridge (that Chris kept stocked with juices for the kids), and (with Uncle Chris' suggestion) a little bin of toys we picked out. The kids instantly fell in love with the new place and its waterfall and koi pond, and something happened during the last few months as the kids really started to develop a relationship with Granny.

Something about my/our visits with Granny that I never want to forget is her positive outlook on life and sense of humor. Even if she was having a rough day (according to the nurses) or she wasn't feeling well, she always greeted us with a smile, complimented the kids ("Such BEAUTIFUL children! How do you get anything done when they're awake? I would just want to play with them all day!"), or complimented me ("You have the most beautiful head of hair!"). Even though she couldn't see well, she was always quick to point out little A's new skirt or the twin's cute outfits ("are those two twins?"). Even though her memory would come and go depending on the day, it made me so happy when she could tell the twins apart, and even more so when she could remember everyone's names. ("Well, I see you have three kids. You have another. Oh, that's right, where is he, at school right?"). Even when her hearing aid was not working and I had to yell to speak with her, she still smiled as she tried to understand what I was saying. She was more than happy to share any food that she had with the kids (even her chocolate cake!!) and sometimes even had the nurses store treats for us in the freezer!

I loved learning when I could about her life (the 85+ years of it before I came around!), her parents and especially about her husband, Emmett. On her birthday this year, she kept announcing to everyone that she was 98 and she was ready to die now and be with her husband Emmett. We made brownies per her request and as we ate them she told us a bit about how they met (at a dance party at someone's house) and how he asked her to teach her how to dance. She tried to "escape" from him by joining the Red Cross but they just fell in love anyway through letters. It never ceased to amaze me the times that she was able to recall certain important moments in her life, and other times, as she put it, "I don't have that remembering muscle in my body anymore!" For someone who was widowed at such a young age and then continued to live for so long, I marvel at what she did with her life, how she loved and cared for her family, how she continued to study the scriptures and teach people who would come visit her about them until she couldn't read anymore. I know she dealt with a lot of pain and loneliness and feeling like a burden especially during the time I knew her, the last 12 years, but she rarely showed it.

Up until we moved out of Utah when she was 91, she still had weekly hair appointments at the salon, got her nails done, and dressed up with makeup every day even if she mostly stayed in her apartment all day. She was constantly reading and learning and finding ways to serve and bless other's lives. Shortly after I had little d, she asked me if I had a jogging stroller since she remembered all the ladies in San Clemente had jogging strollers for their babies so they could keep working out. When I told her I didn't, the very next visit she had sent out for Uncle Pat to buy one for me and it was sitting there in the living room when I came over. It astounds me so much to know that in the final years of her life, which was surely a faint shadow of her best years, she was still able to do so much. She is an inspiration to me of how I want to live my life, because she really did "endure to the end", even when it seemed like the end was so close and yet barely out of her grasp for so long.

Every visit I have had over the last 12 years with Granny would wonder at some point why she was still here. And every time I had the same answer for her: so we would get the opportunity to know her better. And today, as I drove my kids over to say goodbye to Granny for one last time, I reminded them of that. That while we do not know or understand all of our Heavenly Father's plan, that I knew that He had kept Granny alive for as long as he did so that she could help us ease into our transition back to Utah, so that ALL my children could develop a relationship with and a great love for her. Because I know that while so many expectations we had were crushed when we came to Utah, our visits to Granny buoyed me and gave us (maybe just me?) a sense of weekly consistency and routine since we moved here. I always left our visits feeling like a better mom, friend and person because of how she made me feel. As difficult as it was sometimes to get the kids to behave and not break/destroy everything in the room, it was always worth it to walk in (or wake her up) and see her face light up when she saw the kids and they would do their rounds of high fives, pounds, hugs, and kisses.

I will never forget the Granny or the impact she has had on my and my children's lives. The night we came home from celebrating her birthday, I found little d in tears, and he told me "I know that Granny wants to go see her husband so bad but when she dies I am going to miss her so much!"

This past Friday when we came to visit with her we knew she was close. Instead of wanting to watch the kids she only wanted to sleep. The Granny that my kids knew that was so full of life (even if she stayed in bed most days) slowly slipped away. I am grateful that we were able to be by her side those last few days (even if the kids were embarassingly loud all the time).

I am grateful for the prompting this morning to go see Granny (I was not planning on going over until after church) so that we could say our final goodbyes. As we were on our way to her place, the kids were full of questions about life on earth and before and after earth life. I was able to testify to them that our spirits did live before we received bodies and came to earth, and that they do life after this earth life is over and our body tires out in a way our spirit never will. I have never felt that so strong in all my life. When we ran (always running with my kids, you know) into Granny's place, I could feel the time was coming soon. I knocked to come in and Uncle Chris and Aunt Kelly stopped us from rushing in to let us know she had just passed. I was stunned and relieved to hear it. Chris explained beautifully to my big kids that Granny has been waiting a long time for this moment, to be with her husband again, and to be free of an imperfect body that was very sick and tired. Kelly was showing the kids this beautiful print we actually have (from my dad) of a bronze sculpture by Jerry Anderson hanging on our fridge:

I thought it captured the moment perfectly. (gosh I love art!!) And then...

Lan pulled the fire alarm. (!!!!)

After everything had calmed down a bit, I talked to the big kids to see if they still wanted to say goodbye to Granny. I explained that her body was there but her spirit was not and they agreed they wanted to say their goodbyes. We went in and said goodbye, and the spirit in the room was so strong. Granny is happy, finally reunited with the love of her life. And while we miss her so much we will do our best for the rest of our lives to carry on her incredible legacy.

De Ja Vu (or "house on the market 2.0")

well. A lot has happened in the last 72 hours.


****update: tonight at 7pm (weds, just over the 72 hour mark), the new buyers accepted our offer and we are in contract (again)! hooray!****

Backing up...We were doing our usual Sunday afternoon routine, babies in bed and big kids playing with friends in and outside the house when we got The Call. We had not heard from our Realtor here in Ohio for a few days after we had requested that the buyers move up the closing date a few days since our hours was going to be finished earlier than anticipated. Drew took The Call and as soon as I heard him say the word "cancelled" I knew the buyers had dropped out and we were back at square one all over again. I was in the middle of prepping dinner for Sunday night to have all the extended family, a date I had picked out over a month ago where I felt like it was far enough after we originally listed that we should in theory be in contract and could therefore have a fun enjoyable homemade meal... so yeah, not a great day to get a bomb dropped on us like that.

Our realtor told us he would re-list immediately and as I was cooking my mind reeled with emotions. Anger at the people who unexpectedly blindsided us with this nearly a month into contract (they initially wanted the house May 5!! But we asked them to push it back to the end of the month so we could let little d finish out the school year). Frustration that we had already been through 2 weeks of showings, then the inspection and the appraisal. We did everything asked of us based on the inspection and I had already sold or packed away most of our things. Sadness because I would have to put my kids through something I really hoped I would never have to put them through again. Fear that this time around we may not get "lucky" enough to get an offer in two weeks. Concern for how we were supposed to carry two mortgages into next month. Relief and panic as we got a call shortly thereafter for someone wanting to look at the house less than two hours later that evening.

For the next 90 minutes everything was a blur. I quickly finished making the food, called my mom to tell everyone else we were moving to her house for dinner. Put the food in the car and started cleaning the house. Our neighbor came by to drop off a toy he had fixed and offered to help. The plan was for Drew to take the kids and food to my parents house and then come back and get me. Our neighbor offered to take all four kids (that would be in addition to his 3, also his wife was at the gym at the time so he was solo) for 45 minutes so Drew and I could clean. He wouldn't even let us think about it, he just started taking them over and over those 45 minutes I was overwhelmed at how the Lord really does put ministering angels in our path. That few other people would have been so bold to do what he did and for our families to have built such a good relationship over the years that all 4 of my kids happily went over to their house without question while Drew and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned like we had not had to do in 3 weeks. When Drew finally went to get the kids packed into the car and I collapsed into the car after cleaning the floors I just felt numb. We thought everything was going down a certain path and our path suddenly got moved. By nature I am not a flexible person, I like to plan things in advance and I like knowing the outcome of a situation before diving into it. Like how when we got pregnant with the twins it was a shock but then I spent the next 8 months researching and planning and so by the time they came I felt as ready as I could have possibly been.

The peace that I felt during the hard times of the first year of the twins lives is hard to describe. Because it was still hard, there is no denying that, but the weight that I felt lifted off my shoulders especially during those times when Drew was out of town was a real physical relief I have never felt from any other source. Prayer and gospel study was my key to keeping my perspective and my sanity during that time. And even after the house was in contract I still felt the need to focus on peace over anything else in my study... and I think this is why.

We had one showing Sunday night, two apiece on Monday and Tuesday, and then one earlier this afternoon. Last night we got our first (and possibly only?) offer, nearly identical to the first one that didn't work out. We countered last night and they countered back this morning but we waited until this Wednesday showing to decide for sure if we would go with the initial offer, just to give them a chance if they were interested before we make the final decision tonight before 5pm.

Each time we experience a trial I try hard to focus on what I am supposed to learn from all this. I knew I needed to be more laid back than the last time around (that the kids were afraid of me and rightly so!), and I feel like I have been, but to be fair that is also easier when we have much less stuff around to keep tidy. But I felt like I needed to have more gratitude for our current home and situation so instead of waiting around and praying for someone to snatch up our house ASAP, I have been focusing on gratitude.

Sunday was for my amazing neighbors the Wilsons and what a strong relationship we have with them.

Monday was for having my parents nearby, since we spent pretty much the whole day at their house so the house would stay clean for showings.

Tuesday was for the beauty of Ohio, with it's GREEN like I know we will never see in Utah. For the rain and the mud and the trees and how easy it is to plant and maintain any sort of plant and for it to thrive (hello raspberries!!) and for the soft grass we have taken such good care of over the last year to keep weed-free and perfect for running around outside barefoot (or "stinky feet" as my kids call it).

Wednesday was for my family and my faith. How they go hand in hand in teaching me to be a better mama and that I need to not take myself so seriously (or the cleanliness of my house, for that matter!) because life is infinitely more better when we let go of the little things.

And now we wait...

peace.

2017 started off strong. I was creating new habits, I was going to bed early and working out in the morning and spending more time with my family but I wasn't completely balanced and ultimately I tipped... I feel like I allowed March and most of April to consume me, which has felt a little bit like being "caught in the undertow" so to speak. I continued to move, just not in the direction I wanted to go.

Last night I had a moment of clarity. I had allowed myself to feel so bogged down for so long by all these things (psoriasis, stressors, cold sores, diastasis, behaviors/attitudes of those around me, social media,etc) that I had very little if any control over. And last night I decided I was going to let them go. I want my life to be filled with things I want to fill it with, and the rest I will allow to fall by the wayside. I am letting go of guilt, hopefully for good this time. I am resetting my priorities. I am going to crossfit tomorrow morning.

So with my alarm set for 5:30 this morning, I got up (after a moment's hesitation...or two), got dressed and was about to leave when I heard... Lan crying. For me. Crap. This was seriously happening. I went over my options and decided to go for the craziest one: I quickly grabbed him before he could wake up Lo, packed a few extra things with me and took him to crossfit with me. He stayed in the stroller the entire hour (!!!) with my phone and snacks and I got my workout and a great start to my day.

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

It's taken me 31 years but slowly and surely I am going to get there!

I got a wonderful morning with all 3 of my siblings, my mom and my 3 youngest kids. I am such a lucky woman. Then I came home and started on this study guide and realized this sort of studying was the sort of thing I was hungering for the last few months, one of the biggest stones that fell to the wayside since January, and it felt so good to pick it back up again. Peace. In the midst of the storm of chaos that will be brewing over the next month or so, Peace is what I crave most and I feel so blessed that this was the month's topic!

where i learn that a clean house does not necessarily make a happy mother

We have officially been on the market two weeks today. Showings started 3 days after that, and thankfully we were in Spring Break (which was part of the plan) for 10 days of that. Then this past week we came home to a relatively clean house. And that of course was when the real trouble began. We had two showings Monday night, so we made a night out to dinner and played at the church for awhile since the showings were unfortunately spaced out. We had a showing Tuesday morning and then nothing on Wednesday which came as a double edged sword. I mean, we have to have a 2-hour advanced notice which was nice come 6pm yesterday when I finally felt like I was able to breathe a little easier than I have the last week or so. While it was a blessing to be at my mom's and not have to worry about cleaning and I could pass off the childcare as needed, but to be honest instead of relaxing and enjoying the time I could have had, I spent most of it worrying about why our home wasn't selling, reading and re-reading reviews of our home and checking out/comparing homes in Utah. It is a miracle I didn't gain 100 pounds, because I stress ate my way right through that week.

 (one of my favorite moments from Spring Break... the kids sewing with my mom!)

 and a quick visit with the cousins!

It felt good to be back at home Sunday night, after hours of putting everything we had taken to my parents house away. It has been a good excuse to de-clutter a lot of my house, but it has also been a huge source of contention in our home and I am mostly to blame. Because I try my best to keep the house clutter-free, then when we know we are going to do a showing I do a couple of things: clorox everything that shows fingerprints on it (which feels like 90% of my house, if I am honest), windex all the windows (because we have a lot and they are all at perfect toddler messy face/hand height), sweep and swiffer the downstairs and vacuum the upstairs and wipe down all the bathrooms. Which seems not so bad but when you take into account the terrible two-fers who are at my ankles the entire time I am trying to complete this process, begging to be held as they smear smashed grapes all over the newly-cleaned floor (at least it isn't the carpet) and begging for goldfish crackers (NO!!!) I have never felt so guilt about making my kids eat a meal outside ("don't you dare get any food in this house!" said some crazy mom), and I hated myself the entire time I cleaned and found myself murmuring under my breath.... isn't there a better way? An easier way? Oh, right, there was and it was staying at my parent's house! Ha!

All sarcasm and joking aside, it has been mind-opening. I always thought "if my house is spotless with 4 kids running around I will be TRULY happy" and here I am and happy is the farthest thing to describe how I feel piling my kids into the car just so I can windex the last of those fingerprints, uninterrupted. I feel horrible! Yesterday was so nice because I didn't have to yell at my kids about keeping things clean and we even left stuff out before we went to bed! Can you imagine!! So yes. My house has been cleaner the last two weeks than it has been in the last two YEARS since the twinners came along. And it's "Meh." I'm relieved to not step accidentally on Legos or a stray apple that was probably two days old but I really feel like a crazy cleaning person who can't seem to get a grip on reality. Which made me think of how bizarre and crazy this whole showing houses thing is.

Showings are like first dates. With rare exceptions (like myself, in the case of going out for the first time with Drew as an impromptu thing), first dates are planned and I remember those early years of first dates spending HOURS getting ready for what was likely to be no more than a dimly lit 2 hour dinner (and I guess we are also the exception for that as well, since our first date lasted till the library closed, then till Denny's started serving legit breakfast...). Anyways. I spend so much time even though my house is mostly perfection (I can say that because it's true), scrubbing the floors like the Queen of England is coming over when in reality the person buying our house (eventually, nothing yet) will never see his/her own house that clean (except for maybe when they walk through the door for the first time). It is so unrealistic! And yet that is the expectation, to make you house look as though it were a model home with no people living in it and a full time maid service to ensure nothing is out of place. It is craziness. And while I understand that not everyone is quite as crazy about it as I am (because I have seen pictures online of dirty houses!! With junk everywhere!! And yet they sell!! Faster than our house and for more money because Utah housing is CRAZY!!), I WANT to get our house sold SO BADLY. I have put so much work into it, and the upkeep is driving me up the wall most days. But we keep praying for that perfect family to find our home and put an offer in. I know they will find us. It is definitely taking longer than we planned, but we are trying to be patient.

I have been blessed the last two weeks to get constant reminders of how insignificant my struggles are. It makes it easier to not worry, especially when I have plenty on my plate to keep myself occupied. I am in the midst of reading a handful of really good books (that I truly should not have the time to read!), planning three birthdays, and managing chaos of my kids obviously. So while blogging has taken a serious backburner to all that, it is always therapeutic to get some thoughts on paper (so to speak) during what will ultimately be one of the largest trials of faith for our family to date (getting pregnant with the twins would be a close second!). But then I keep thinking back to the craziness that surrounded our move out here from Utah in 2011.

We quit our jobs. Sold everything we had that wouldn't fit into our two little cars. Moved in with my parents and we had no jobs, no income for a solid month. A Month!!! Then I finally landed a job in childcare at a nearby gym, worked for a month, and then managed to get fired three weeks later while still in training (thanks to a less than stellar trainer who also got fired...that's the last time I gave a baby a bottle that wasn't handed to me directly by their mother!). But in those 3 weeks, I slowly realized that I wasn't interested in being a working mom (even part time!) in the near future. And during that time, amidst a handful of interviews, Drew landed his first Dealersocket interview, followed by a second and then a flight out to California where they offered him a role in the company that has developed into what he does now. We had NO idea what would come to us from leaving Utah, we only knew that it was the right path for us then, just as we know our path is taking us back there now.

I have been reminded of the following quote the last week and it is currently my phone's screen saver and I anticipate some sort of artwork I'll make based on it once we move into our new home this summer. It has been my strength and reminder that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me as an individual.

“Things will work out” may well be President Hinckley’s most repeated assurance to family, friends, and associates. 

“Keep trying,” he will say. “Be believing. Be happy. Don’t get discouraged. Things will work out.”

faith precedes the miracle(s)

Every time I have recited to people my parent's story of how they met, I am met with a grave amount of skepticism. Could you really know someone for such a short period of time and then be happily married for going on 32+ years? Yes, you can. As we continue to be in this limbo where our house has no offers but also we cannot find a decent house in our price range in Utah, I need to constantly be reminded of stories like this where a great amount of faith is required in our Father's plan for us, we only need to be patient and wait for Him to reveal it to us. Their story is even more incredible to me because of my mom's part in it, where she came to the United States knowing very little English, and then in just over the first two years of marriage had 2 daughters. I mean I think back to how "difficult" my first two years of marriage were, with the growing pains and managing finances (but we had assistance), balancing full time school and part time work, but we had no kids and certainly no language/cultural barrier that my mom had to deal with. My dad certainly acted on faith to marry her, but the faith involved on my mom's part to sacrifice so much just blows me away.

So here it is, in my Dad's words:

Astrid was baptized on 4/29/78 in Coquimbo, Chile along with her sister, Cindy.  They had met the missionaries by chance a few months earlier when they were at the post office.  Cindy wanted to know why all of the Mormon boys had the same first name of "Elder".  That led to missionary discussions in the Coquimbo church building, as the girls did not want to give their address to the elders.

After a few lessons, they missed a lesson with the missionaries because Cindy was sick.  Without a phone to communicate, they were unable to tell the elders why they couldn't go to the lesson.  The elders were worried about the absence of this pair of golden investigators and, after waiting for a while, said a prayer and set out on foot to find them (in a city of over 100,000 people).  The Spirit led them several blocks from the church building, until they felt impressed to knock on a door.  When asked if Cindy and Astrid lived there, the woman who answered the door said, "No.  They live next door."  Your mom was quite surprised by the appearance of the elders and was impressed that the Spirit had guided them to within one door of their home.

Stephen was baptized on 2/5/80 in Hamilton, Ohio.  He had started receiving the discussions during the first semester of his freshman year at Miami University (October 1979) due to his completion of a religious preference card during freshman orientation the summer before.  He had jokingly checked the box that said "Morman" (due to his previous good experiences with members of the Church), and the missionaries called him up (thinking that he was a member) and (upon finding out that was not the case) began the discussions.  He was guided to the Church through interesting experiences trying out the Word of Wisdom and failing to get into a fraternity on campus.

Stephen and Astrid both felt a desire to serve a mission, and were both called to serve in the Chile Osorno Mission in mid-1982.  Astrid entered the Santiago MTC in June, and Stephen entered the Provo MTC on 7/15/82.  They met for the first time at a baptism in Temuco shortly after Stephen arrived in Chile.  He was impressed with her beauty and she was impressed with his ability to speak the language.

They were located in the same general area (Temuco - the largest city in the mission, with two zones of missionaries), but Stephen was serving in the small satellite town of Nueva Imperial and rarely visited Temuco.  His first transfer (in December 1982) was to the Cautin area of Temuco, in the same zone as Astrid.  During a zone conference, Astrid gave a talk about fasting and prayer that so impressed Stephen that he decided that he would never marry anyone less spiritual than Astrid.

In January, Astrid was transferred to Puerto Montt, and (as was the custom among missionaries), asked for a photo from Stephen before she left.  Stephen did not have any photos with him at that time, so he told her (with an air of mystery!) that he would see her again during their missions, and left it at that.

Stephen was soon transferred to be the branch president of Nueva Imperial, and served there for two months.  Those few weeks were among the most successful of his mission.  He organized the branch so that everyone had callings, visiting teaching routes were set up, fast offerings began to be collected, a seminary was started and over a dozen people were baptized.  When he learned of his transfer to be a district leader in Rio Bueno, he was very disappointed.  However, when he found that Astrid (Hermana Carrera) was also being transferred there, his attitude changed and he thought that this development might be very interesting.

When Stephen first saw Astrid at her pension (apartment within a family's home), she was walking down the stairs of the home from the second floor.  He saw (in vision) that she was wearing a white wedding dress, although that was not what she was wearing.  During their few weeks together in Rio Bueno, they spent a lot of time together and Stephen called Astrid every night to see that she had gotten home OK.  Astrid had remarkable teaching success in Rio Bueno, sometimes teaching over 30 lessons a week.

There was clearly an unspoken attraction between the two, which worried Stephen.  One day during an interview, Stephen asked Astrid if she had any feelings for her district leader.  She responded with a question of her own, asking if I asked that same question to all of the sisters that he interviewed.  He responded that he had never asked that question of anyone, and hoped to never have to ask it again.  Soon thereafter, Astrid was transferred to the mission office to serve as one of the two female assistants to the mission president.  Stephen gave her the news of that transfer (making sure that there was a desk between them) at the missionary office of the branch meetinghouse, and gave her a picture of him before she left.

Soon thereafter, Stephen accompanied his companion to the mission office in Osorno, and saw Astrid there.  She told him that her companion suspected that they had feelings for each other.  This worried Stephen, so he (breaking mission rules) wrote a short letter to Astrid, stating that he didn't care what her companion thought (or even what the mission president thought).  If anything were to happen between us, that would take place after our missions (which still had about eight months to go), and that they should concentrate on the Lord's work during that time.

Stephen gave the letter to his companion to deliver to Astrid, but he instead gave the letter to the mission president, who called Stephen in for an interview.  His first question was why he didn't care what the mission president thought!  He also expressed concern about this relationship, and chastised Stephen for sending the letter.  Stephen went back to Rio Bueno that day sorely repentant and newly committed to keeping his heart closed during the rest of his mission.

About two months later, Stephen was called as a zone leader in Osorno, which meant that he oversaw Astrid and her companion.  During the few months that they were together in Osorno, Stephen rarely spoke with Astrid.  They would shake hands at zone functions, but he would hardly look at her and would let his companion speak during zone leader interviews.  When she would call on the phone, he would have his companion speak to her.  Astrid thought that he no longer had feelings for her, so she concentrated on her mission work and had great success.  A few months later she was transferred to Coyhaique in southern Chile.

Stephen remained in Osorno until the end of his mission in December 1983.  There he found great success, leading a zone that set a mission record for baptisms in the final month of his mission.  As he was reviewing plans for his group of missionaries to return home, he was pleasantly surprised to find that Astrid was going to be returning home on the same 12 hour train ride to Santiago, which would allow them some time to talk.  However, Astrid asked for a mission extension (which meant that she served her mission longer than Stephen did!), so the return plans were changed and Stephen flew back to Santiago and the USA without seeing her.

Upon his arrival in the USA, he immediately felt like he's made a mistake by leaving in Chile the most wonderful woman that he'd ever met.  ("What have I done!")  He wrote Astrid (who was still serving her mission) a formal letter, expressing his admiration for her efforts as a missionary and encouraging her to complete a successful mission.  He then returned to Miami University to complete his education and begin to look for a wife, but was unable to find anyone with qualities that were remotely close to those that Astrid possessed.  Once her mission ended, he wrote her a ten page letter, expressing his feelings and a desire to return to Chile later that year to spend some time with her.  He waited for her reply...and waited and waited and waited.

While he was waiting (for quite a few months), he began dating a lovely young woman who lived in Cincinnati.  When Astrid's return letter finally arrived (expressing her feelings and looking forward to his return to Chile later in the year), Stephen was unsure of how to respond.  He decided to reply with an open mind and the "mail romance" began.  In August 1984, Stephen flew to Chile (ostensibly to spend some time with his former missionary companions and to visit Osorno) and was met at the airport by Astrid.  He ended up spending more time with her than with anyone else (by far!), starting with a prayer and an unexpected (by Astrid) kiss and a walk that evening.  A few days later, he pondered their relationship during his train ride to Osorno as he wrote in his journal that evening (8/20/84).  He prayed for enlightenment and felt impressed to ask Astrid to marry him.  There were so many potential obstacles to their relationship, so he felt confident that if it were not to be the Lord's will, He would put something in the way to prevent their marriage.

Upon his return to Santiago, Stephen and Astrid went to Viña del Mar to visit with the family of Ingrid (Astrid's sister) for a few days.  The first evening (8/23/84, which was quite chilly, as August is winter in Chile), he took Astrid for a walk on the beach of the Pacific Ocean.  As they walked, he told her that he had always hoped that he would one day find a woman towards whom he would feel the perfect love which casts out all fear (as expressed in 1 Peter 4:18).  He further stated that he did not at that time feel such "perfect love" towards Astrid, then paused and told her that he felt confident that he would one day be able to feel such perfect love towards her more than towards any other woman in the world, and asked her to marry him.  This was not a hard question to answer for Astrid, as it had been revealed to her in the temple several months earlier that she would be Stephen's wife.  She just needed to give him time to arrive at that same conclusion.

They returned to Santiago the next day, got wedding reception pictures and then Stephen flew back to the USA.  They would write and phone often during the next few months.  Stephen's final semester at Miami was a busy one, as he studied for and took the CPA exam, interviewed for and got a job working at Arthur Andersen in Pittsburgh and graduated from college on 12/21/84.

On 12/29/84 Stephen arrived back in Chile, and on 12/31/84 Astrid and Stephen were married in a civil ceremony in Santiago, Chile.  Although married in the eyes of the world, they did not consider this marriage to be a valid one.  They continued to live apart until the day of their temple sealing ceremony in the Santiago Temple on 1/8/85 (which they recognize as their wedding anniversary).

Following a brief and wonderful honeymoon in Viña del Mar, Chile, they left Chile on 1/11/84 on a flight to Florida, where they stayed with Stephen's maternal grandparents (Alfred and Edna Edwards) for a few days in Holiday before flying to Pittsburgh on 1/15/85 to begin their new lives together.  They lived with Stephen's parents at their home for the first 18 months of our marriage before moving to their first apartment in Ben Avon, PA (335 Breading Avenue).

2017 New Year's Resolutions- January Recap

Genesis? DONE.

I can't say I actually expected that to have such good timing. Granted, I wasn't studying from Genesis every day (I have to share that study time to plan for weekly FHE's or my CTR7 class, and I also try to get in some study from the monthly study guides at TSS), but I did start back at the end of November, and it being one of the few books of the Old Testament I have ever read (Ruth being another one, obviously!), I am blown away by how much I have been able to learn with the assistance of the student and teacher's manual for institute. Yes, it took a lot longer than I expected it to (reading all those ensign articles from the 70's was really a trip! Fascinating but definitely made the study more intensive but at least for me, more enjoyable). It was the first time I have ever started reading something without a specific end time in mind.... this year-long study of the Old Testament for me is about the JOURNEY, not about getting it completed by December 31. So I may only get through half of the OT, and I am okay with that. The things I am learning in the OT has gone hand in hand with what I have to teach my 8 year olds, my children, and what I am learning as I study other gospel subject matter. Everything is connected and that connection is Christ and this gospel plan we have set up for us. It is incredibly well designed and I cannot wait to see what I learn from Exodus in the next couple of weeks. And because I have no visual to show you all those hours spent reading, enjoy this little work of art little a made at the library today (and requested I take a pic of course):

From TSS, I have really had the chance to dig deep on a few topics since November: Obedience, Gratitude, Charity, and now Discipleship. I cannot thank Breanna enough for introducing me to this site and opening my eyes to a new way of study (which has probably been introduced to me before, but this made it much easier in my opinion!).

I started out this OT study mostly in the mornings, before I knew the kids would be awake (and back when I was working out mid-morning at the gym, you know a whopping two weeks ago!), I have since made the official shift to working out at 6am for crossfit (second day, and I love it even more!), I am still figuring out how to get my study in, currently it is during naptime but for the sake of getting more stuff done during naptime, I may have to shift towards before the gym... I'll start tomorrow and see how that goes. Regardless of when I study, I have found that putting it first has blessed my life in ways I never thought possible. I was still running on too little sleep but I was less tired (Still tired!) and my thoughts were pointed in a better direction throughout the day. I still struggled this month with that post-home-from-school-till bedtime routine... it is HARD. My diet (or lack thereof), my temperament, my willpower, everything suffers during those hours (because we spent about 99% of the 6 or so months preceeding it, going outside and playing as soon as school was out! and we would do that till dinnertime!! It was amazing!!) because nothing I offer as activity is ever good enough to quell the whining and the crying and the general cooped-up-edness mood of myself and my kids so we end up watching movies to survive. But I want to do more than survive the winter. I want to enjoy my kids as much as I do the first half of the day for the second half. But it will definitely take a lot of work on my part and I am just barely feeling up to the task. Time will tell. And thankfully, past February, while it is still cold in March we have rain and puddle jumping and not as many freezing temp days that we can get outside and it's all uphill from there.

Where was I going with this?

2017 I definitely have a handle on a few things (depending on the day). I am enjoying my time more with my kids and am working to be better at meal planning and grocery budgeting (not the couponing, just the actual "spend less than I plan on spending, only shop once a week, planning out meals that use up what we have") which in my mind goes hand in hand with eating more healthy (if I only have $$$$, I am not going to spend $ on junk food when I need to spend the $ on good quality foods that will actually fit into our meals or snacks, fill us up and keep us healthy! Because that's what our family NEEDS these winter months, to stay healthy!!). Added incentive to "make those abs in the kitchen" is that what I pay for crossfit exceeds more than I have ever spent at a gym including childcare, so I don't want that money to go to waste!I still have 13 pounds to go to get to the place I was before I had kids (which some days feels like nothing, other days feels insurmountable), but I am determined to take care of it in the next 3 months so that I can get on in my life to worrying about something else for a change. "Losing the baby weight" has literally been on my "to do" list for the last SIX YEARS. I'm over it. My diastasis gap is "only" at a "2" (!!!!), which is totally normal!! It is a welcome relief and also a nice show that what I am doing is working and my core is getting stronger. I have less fears when it comes to doing something to cause injury because I know that my back is better supported by my core than it has been in over two years.

I had a "vision board", inspired by Jenn, that I made at the start of last year. It hung by my bed and it was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw before I went to bed. I loved and hated it depending on how I was doing that day. But overall it helped me and so I hope that this year's board will do the same. 2017's is currently a blank slate, but I am sure it will start filling up over the course of the next few weeks (since I just cleared it off today!). Definitely deciding on simple resolutions and putting them up all over my house, on this blog and where I can see it regularly and be reminded of my goals has been helpful. And I am seeing the increased capacity I've been desperately searching for for years. I am not perfect, but I feel more confident in my ability to make better choices and of course, I am trying, which is the most important part.

"Start Where You Are."