it's going down for real

A few days ago I stepped on the scale for the first time in ages. I weighed about as much as I felt, so no regrets about going without the scale for awhile. But I did feel a strong urgency to DO SOMETHING. Obviously just working out a few times a week was not going to undo all the junk food eating I have been doing.

So it was by happy circumstance that a friend of mine who is a personal trainer and instructor was giving out some nutrition information(for $30), specifically for my current weight in Macros (which I had heard about but had no idea where to start with, I just knew that most people were turning to that and away from calorie counting) which sounded like a better idea than what I had been doing...trying to eat healthy two meals a day and then it all slowly collides into a chocolate and whatever the kids didn't eat for dinner filled day. I wanted to get back into structure, but structure that still allowed for occasional treats, just one that maybe involved a bit of planning on my part.

Then I signed up for myfitnesspal premium, since I knew I did not like the format of the original free version, I would try out the one where I could track my macros and see if I liked it. I got my Macros Goals set up (Saturday October 22, 2016) and in the wee hours of the morning planned out my day. Just like when I do fitbit challenges (which I have been doing for a year next month!) I was going to treat this like a game. And for $10 for a month, it would be an expensive game but hopefully one that I would only have to play for a few months before I could get the hang of doing it solo.

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(Dec 26, 2016)
Was that really over two months ago? The problem unfortunately did not lie in the tracking the night before... it was in the follow through. Because trying to cram 5 mini meals into a day was almost an impossible task and by 4pm my body would be in full FEED ME ANYTHING FAST mode and end up in whatever treats lay at the kid's shelf in the pantry. So for over two months I have either planned and failed or failed to plan (and then ultimately failed). The only reason why I keep going to the gym is because it is an ingrained habit... I don't know what to do otherwise (?). So I've been continuing to go as often as kids illnesses allow (November was not my best month for that), and I've gained at least an additional 5 pounds to what I was two months ago. I'm starting again tomorrow to use MFP (but not the premium because it wasn't worth it) to plan out my macros like I have done more often than not in the past few weeks. It seems like a LOT of food, but of course when I replace it with processed things, the macros go out the window super fast.

I no longer want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. It (thinking about how pregnant I look when I am not, thinking about how I need/deserve/use treats as an escape because who cares?!) is consuming me and all I think about. I want to plan out my day the night before and then brainlessly and unquestionably (like I do with working out) go through the motions and just DO IT. It has been affecting the way I feel about and interact with my family and that has got to STOP.

20 MINUTES is my new mantra. I used to use it while working out. Obviously I work out more than that now, but in the beginning in college, that was my starting point. 20 minutes to forget about whatever frustrates me and really try to let that negative energy go before it turns me into a chocolate monster which turns into an all out binge. This is not easy and unfortunately it has been cyclical through a lot of my life. Low points being in middle school, middle of high school, junior year in college (post-marriage), at varying points with each postpartum period (but was quickly corrected with breastfeeding and then prepping for the next pregnancy as motivation), but this experience has felt the lowest and the longest.

I didn't feel any accountability with the earlier part of this post (back in October) because I was the only one who knew it was hiding in my drafts folder in this blog. I was hoping to wait until I was a success story (I lost the weight! Let me post about the whole story now!) but the fact is, the more accountable I feel, the more likely I am to succeed. And maybe less people will be offended when I end up tossing any treats that come into this house into the garbage.

This sucks. It's hard. But I finally feel like I have gathered my motivation to push myself back into the land of the living, and living joyfully. I can only truly love others (and be REALLY completely happy) when I learn to fully love myself and I am ready (yes, even before New Years and even on a Tuesday) to start.

Let's do this.