2018 has been hard. Like, surprisingly difficult in ways I was not expecting. Parenting is hard. I really thought a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders with it being the first full year of not having to worry about getting pregnant, being pregnant, or caring for a newborn. We are "done" with the baby stages and with the potty training of the twins earlier this year (no easy feat to be sure!) I feel like my parenting has come front and center, as in, some days its all I think about, worry about, talk about. Am I doing this right, should I have done this better, am I raising these kids the way I envisioned when they were babies. Coupled with that, this summer has been the first without consistent naps for us. I feel like I am losing my mind most days. While I can (and do love!) playing games with the older kids, or working on stuff with them, I honestly just need a break from them midday, which they hate and all the bribing and threatening in the world doesn't make a difference. So I usually don't bother trying and then I about lose my mind by dinnertime with all the fighting and lack of personal space.
Each year since I had the twins (2015, which was actually my highest number of posts at almost 400!) I have dropped the amount of posting I have done by about 100. And I am not sure that I care that much. I still occasionally take pictures of my kids or what we are doing but not with the same zeal I have in the past. I struggle with being motivated to blog at all, since it is easier to instagram or just send family pictures or videos. I feel like life is passing by so slowly and yet so quickly and I haven't yet got a full grasp of what I am trying to do. There is definitely a part of me that feels lost in who I am. I have been "mom" for 8 years now, growing and raising babies who are no longer babies anymore. They are more independent and that adjustment has been harder and less rewarding than I hoped or expected.
Motherhood looks different with older kids, in a way I am not sure I can fully wrap my head around. I feel like I am making too many mistakes, too often, and that my intent at the start of the day is so bogged down by bedtime that I have lost any sort of progress I feel I have been working to gain. Motherhood with babies and toddlers, looking back, is so easy and simple....lack of sleep, feedings, blowouts, all those things are predictable and solve-able with sleep training, tips on lactation, planning ahead or borrowing from a friend. I loved blogging when the kids were babies because I didn't feel so alone in my journey of young motherhood, as I had friends that would frequently remind me they were experiencing or felt the same way too. This "new" Older-Motherhood is not so open, it is harder in all the worst ways, and it is terribly horribly isolating sometimes. The good times are so good I don't even pause for a moment to think about capturing it on a blog or in a picture. And the hard times... I just pray they are over with fast enough so that I can get to bed and start a new day tomorrow.
Little d is my life support, he is my little 8 year old rock these days. He is always the first one to hug me even when I am so frustrated I don't want to be touched, the one to rally my kids in the car when I have gotten so frustrated with my kids fighting in the car that I spend 15 minutes in the house gathering the courage to get back in the car with them again... rally them to chanting "WE LOVE YOU MOM!" instead of fighting over who gets to climb over whom to sit in the backseat. Some days it feels like all I do is look for ways to hide from my kids, to get a break from the DRAMA, the fights and the mess and chaos and disorder in my house. And then, hours after they are in bed, I regret those missed hours, of not enjoying them enough when they were behaving.
I love my kids. So much. This fall is looming with a big shift in my life and I think this was just the storm before...the calm? chaos? I will go from only one kid in school last year, to all my kids in some sort of school at least two days a week, those two days even overlapping to give me a full 1 hour and 45 minutes to myself twice a week... and no I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, although my kids are convinced I will spending it eating all their good snacks and playing on their tablets. In all seriousness, I know I only have 3 years till they are all in full day school. I am hoping and praying I can find a balance in all this, in trying to be a good mom but also feel like I can be my own person, all without guilt. Is that possible? To have, not all of it, but some of it, and not feel constantly weighed down with guilt?
This is a hard time in my life but I have been through hard things. Although I have not had much to say about this year so far, I think it's because I haven't had the right words and therefore have not felt the need to share. It is so easy to forget how good it feels to write about what weighs me down, but I know it is not my only outlet. My kids and most of my friends will probably be surprised to know that working out, though it is something I do often enough to regard it has a "habit" as opposed to a hobby, is not something I look forward to every day. I always had goals in place, before and after little d it was to run races, before and after my next two pregnancies it was to get stronger and have a healthy pregnancy.... I lack motivation because running is not an option (it will only increase the pain and shorten the time for when I will need to get bunion surgery), crossfit or something of the like with a lot of strength is not an option (because of my abdominal separation which has still not closed), and so there are some days like today where I feel like using the time on the elliptical to catch up on my latest reality TV show (away from my kids) is the only reason I am at the gym. This, like so much of this phase is just that--a phase. I know it will pass, but I am eager to start progressing onto a different path than the one I have been taking for most of this year.
I did my second whole30 this past month (July) and it was so hard and so good and then afterwards I just crashed so hard the last week. I didn't really want to tell anyone what I was doing because I felt it gave me power, and I wasn't wild about the attention it gave me back in January. But it kept me accountable and so I am doing a third round starting tomorrow morning. The reason for my second one was to do it with a friend, but also to help with some new psoriasis I had that cropped up in my armpits... super painful all the time! But the last week even while eating junk food (but no eggs just in case that was what triggered it/made it worse while I was whole30ing!), it mostly cleared with a little help from Borderaux's butt paste of all things! So much for all that money on those steroids! I still have a bit on my knee and the worst on my ankle but on the whole I feel like I have healed that part of me for now... but ever since I went off whole30 I feel like I have been in a fog, tired and restless at the same time and I can't believe I am finding myself craving those clear headed mornings and afternoons and good nights of sleep from my whole30 days. So I am going for my 3rd round of 2018 and hopefully my last... I have new cookbook coming my way which I hope will break me out of my mental and physical rut, as well as with my family at mealtime (SO HARD!). Yes it is easier to give up completely and be okay with having cheese and crackers for dinner (tonight--true story) but it doesn't make me feel good and I know those aren't the habits I want my kids to have.
So how this third round will be different lies in a few things. 1-I won't be having my beloved chips (plantain and mixed potato were my fav with guac) since I know those are not part of the plan anymore. 2-I will be involving my kids in the selecting and making of meals (which I dread since it always makes it take longer but I know I need to do!) as well as Drew, instead of trying to do it on my own. And 3- I will eliminate snacking completely. I found that the days I only ate three meals and nothing in the hours between I FELT THE MOST AMAZING. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be to my family and I can only do that when I feel good, which I have not felt at all in the last week. Finally, 4-I will get the proper amount of sleep and 5-I will embrace my whole30 journey. This last round I held grudges, I got mad at my kids and husband for eating junk in front of me, and I was honestly just as miserable a person on the outside as I currently feel on the inside... which is unfortunate since 5 minutes after I "dealt" with that craving I felt 100% better for taking care of myself in the long term as opposed to a short term deal.
Reading back through this, I completely understand and see how people can see this as a "diet", but it's really not. I wouldn't be back, happily doing it again (but with some tweaks, since each time I do a few adaptations) if it truly made me feel deprived at any point. I love that I can eat all the vegetables and fruit I want, along with some of the best protein and fats sources available to me. I love seeing how my skin glows, my belly bloat slowly goes away, my head is clear all day and I don't have a midday dip in energy where all I want to do is crawl in my bed and sleep for a year. I need energy for this new school year and there is no better time to start making some better habits than the start of a new school year. It is hard for my body to unlearn years of sugar dependency but I know with each reset I am one step closing to making Food Freedom a possibility.
I live a good life, and I know there is much more of it for me to enjoy if I just take the time to step back and appreciate what I have and what lies in wait for me in the future. Big Picture. But the first step is always the hardest so off to bed for me...
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Friday, August 10, 2018
Thursday, March 26, 2015
relinquishing "total" control (2015) goals and re-adopting some better habits
It was not until I had kids that I realized what a control freak I was. Don't touch this, don't do that, that's not what we do, that's terrible manners, etc. has filled my vocabulary till it feels like the "don't" word-vomit never stops spewing from my mouth from 7am-8pm each day. A few nights ago, I went to bed, feeling defeated once again because I knew my kids were going to bed hating me. I couldn't blame them, I hated me too, but what on earth could I do about it when my kids were just so....awful! Or...were they?
When I really sat down to think by myself (which I do rather often when Drew is not home and there's nothing but basketball on TV) and analyze my days with my children, it hit me.
I was being a dictator.
So much of what I was telling them, while good things to do/avoid doing, were totally NORMAL of kids their age. I have always expected a lot of my kids and it is soooo easy to forget they are not quite 5 and 2, because I have raised them in such a way that we have never babied them, so they are very mature. Which is fine except when it comes to discipline and correcting where I feel more like Hitler than Christ as a leader and teacher in our home. One operated primarily on Power and the other out of Love. I was doing the former. Yikes. I hated that and it was no wonder I was so miserable. So I decided to change. I decided I wanted to be someone that I wanted to be friends with or parent in a way that I would want to be parented as a child, and something within me has changed. It is not an overnight thing, mostly a process (borne from countless books I have been reading and prayers and all that), and one that I am trying not to focus on too much on the fact that I wish I had started it 5 years ago. Looking back is almost as bad as continuing to go forward with something you know to be wrong, in my book... it is nothing short of demoralizing and does no good for you.
So with that, I am looking forward. I am setting realistic goals, ones that I can achieve from now until the end of the summer, at least, when kindergarden and gym time will resume (oh, and when I will have a car that can hold all of my children with me). I want to share just a couple:
1) I will no longer take my kids with me to run errands unless I absolutely have to. And if I do need to, I will make sure that there is some benefit/incentive for them to come along with me and behave because I have spent a bazillion (ie: ALL) of my grocery shopping trips hating my life because I forget things when I am attempting to pull everything out of my bribery handbag and the kids are still having a meltdown or at the very worst, running away from me. Every trip out to run errands for the last two months has been hellish, and it is 100% my fault because I should have simply learned (after the upteenth time of swearing off errands altogether) to leave them at home.
2) I will ask for and accept help. I have been terrible at doing this in the past, and I know it is something I need to change. But if I am to accomplish #1, I will need to do this, also I could avoid the terrible depression I sank into post-little d, mostly due to trying to get it all done on my own and refusing to ask for help as if it were a sign of weakness!
3) I will keep my family as healthy as I can by focusing on what I have control over, and still giving them options. And that requires me to plan dinners (ONE meal at 5:30pm they can choose to eat or not), and allow only a few options each for breakfast (7-8am waffles, eggs, or cereal), lunch (11am-12pm chicken nuggets or sandwiches) and snacks (something small to tide them over till dinner at 4pm). The more we stick to a plan the better we are at not consuming junk that makes the kids hungry 20 minutes later. This also goes with #1 because I will plan out a grocery list and not have to vary from it because I have little hands throwing stuff in the cart without me knowing.
4) I will model good eating, sleeping, media and exercise habits. This has been a struggle for me, especially in the last trimester of this pregnancy, where all of these habits have fallen by the wayside. We have had treats at nearly every meal (at the very least, more than one a day), I live what feels like a super sendentary life, I check my phone/talk on my phone/text on my phone too much and I don't have a regular sleep routine. Sometimes I nap and then I can't fall asleep till the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I sleep in while the littles wreak havoc, nothing is consistent even though I expect my kids to be.
We will all (well, the littles and I since I can't speak for Drew, haha) be trying in that vein to eat a better variety of foods, stick to one treat (or none!) each day, go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time each day (which I know will change once the boys come, but at least I can make the effort to try before they come, and to not waste time at night with media when they are asleep), and I will plan a post-dinner walk (anytime 6-7pmish) around the neighborhood to get us out and moving, especially during these long summer days that are before us. I will do my best to ignore my phone except for phone calls or things that have a direct purpose, for a short time when they go down for naps or after they go to bed for the night.
5) I will be a better, more natural teacher to my littles. I struggle with bedtime at night because sometimes it feels so rushed, especially when they get baths almost every day in the summer and that takes ages. I don't want to read any books or do any sort of routine lately because it is simply not enjoyable. But I have learned in the last few days that when I make the entire day about engaging in an un-distracted way with them, I am capable of feeling better and more relaxed as a parent and teacher because the teaching opportunities come along so fluidly.
This includes a lot less distractions in my life, and making my priority to read at least 5 books a day with little d and 2 books a day with little a, not counting scriptures at night (which, if I stay on top of during the day, amounts to simply scripture study at night, instead of piling all the books and "one more pleases" into the right before bedtime time, when I am all too antsy to get them to bed.
It's not a perfect plan and it certainly won't be executed all the time, but I have it written down where I can see it every morning (simplified, obviously) and hold myself accountable for it. Implied in #1 is also to make time for myself, which I think can certainly be overlooked when you have 4 littles under 5...but I certainly think it can be done. Even if it means waking up a little earlier to read my scriptures or sneaking down to the basement to do a quick circuit training while everyone is napping, I know I can make time for myself and continue to be a happier and more productive wife and mother, even with the challenges that lay ahead. I certainly know (as I did during student teaching) that the "real world" I will get thrown into has many more variables than I could ever come up with (life's not all lollipops and rainbows unfortunately, as readers of my blog know all too well), but with that in mind, I know that my Heavenly Father will assist me in my times of need and help direct people to me that will help me in my righteous desires.
With that being said. I think I can, I think I can.... :)
When I really sat down to think by myself (which I do rather often when Drew is not home and there's nothing but basketball on TV) and analyze my days with my children, it hit me.
I was being a dictator.
So much of what I was telling them, while good things to do/avoid doing, were totally NORMAL of kids their age. I have always expected a lot of my kids and it is soooo easy to forget they are not quite 5 and 2, because I have raised them in such a way that we have never babied them, so they are very mature. Which is fine except when it comes to discipline and correcting where I feel more like Hitler than Christ as a leader and teacher in our home. One operated primarily on Power and the other out of Love. I was doing the former. Yikes. I hated that and it was no wonder I was so miserable. So I decided to change. I decided I wanted to be someone that I wanted to be friends with or parent in a way that I would want to be parented as a child, and something within me has changed. It is not an overnight thing, mostly a process (borne from countless books I have been reading and prayers and all that), and one that I am trying not to focus on too much on the fact that I wish I had started it 5 years ago. Looking back is almost as bad as continuing to go forward with something you know to be wrong, in my book... it is nothing short of demoralizing and does no good for you.
So with that, I am looking forward. I am setting realistic goals, ones that I can achieve from now until the end of the summer, at least, when kindergarden and gym time will resume (oh, and when I will have a car that can hold all of my children with me). I want to share just a couple:
1) I will no longer take my kids with me to run errands unless I absolutely have to. And if I do need to, I will make sure that there is some benefit/incentive for them to come along with me and behave because I have spent a bazillion (ie: ALL) of my grocery shopping trips hating my life because I forget things when I am attempting to pull everything out of my bribery handbag and the kids are still having a meltdown or at the very worst, running away from me. Every trip out to run errands for the last two months has been hellish, and it is 100% my fault because I should have simply learned (after the upteenth time of swearing off errands altogether) to leave them at home.
2) I will ask for and accept help. I have been terrible at doing this in the past, and I know it is something I need to change. But if I am to accomplish #1, I will need to do this, also I could avoid the terrible depression I sank into post-little d, mostly due to trying to get it all done on my own and refusing to ask for help as if it were a sign of weakness!
3) I will keep my family as healthy as I can by focusing on what I have control over, and still giving them options. And that requires me to plan dinners (ONE meal at 5:30pm they can choose to eat or not), and allow only a few options each for breakfast (7-8am waffles, eggs, or cereal), lunch (11am-12pm chicken nuggets or sandwiches) and snacks (something small to tide them over till dinner at 4pm). The more we stick to a plan the better we are at not consuming junk that makes the kids hungry 20 minutes later. This also goes with #1 because I will plan out a grocery list and not have to vary from it because I have little hands throwing stuff in the cart without me knowing.
4) I will model good eating, sleeping, media and exercise habits. This has been a struggle for me, especially in the last trimester of this pregnancy, where all of these habits have fallen by the wayside. We have had treats at nearly every meal (at the very least, more than one a day), I live what feels like a super sendentary life, I check my phone/talk on my phone/text on my phone too much and I don't have a regular sleep routine. Sometimes I nap and then I can't fall asleep till the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I sleep in while the littles wreak havoc, nothing is consistent even though I expect my kids to be.
We will all (well, the littles and I since I can't speak for Drew, haha) be trying in that vein to eat a better variety of foods, stick to one treat (or none!) each day, go to bed and wake up at roughly the same time each day (which I know will change once the boys come, but at least I can make the effort to try before they come, and to not waste time at night with media when they are asleep), and I will plan a post-dinner walk (anytime 6-7pmish) around the neighborhood to get us out and moving, especially during these long summer days that are before us. I will do my best to ignore my phone except for phone calls or things that have a direct purpose, for a short time when they go down for naps or after they go to bed for the night.
5) I will be a better, more natural teacher to my littles. I struggle with bedtime at night because sometimes it feels so rushed, especially when they get baths almost every day in the summer and that takes ages. I don't want to read any books or do any sort of routine lately because it is simply not enjoyable. But I have learned in the last few days that when I make the entire day about engaging in an un-distracted way with them, I am capable of feeling better and more relaxed as a parent and teacher because the teaching opportunities come along so fluidly.
This includes a lot less distractions in my life, and making my priority to read at least 5 books a day with little d and 2 books a day with little a, not counting scriptures at night (which, if I stay on top of during the day, amounts to simply scripture study at night, instead of piling all the books and "one more pleases" into the right before bedtime time, when I am all too antsy to get them to bed.
It's not a perfect plan and it certainly won't be executed all the time, but I have it written down where I can see it every morning (simplified, obviously) and hold myself accountable for it. Implied in #1 is also to make time for myself, which I think can certainly be overlooked when you have 4 littles under 5...but I certainly think it can be done. Even if it means waking up a little earlier to read my scriptures or sneaking down to the basement to do a quick circuit training while everyone is napping, I know I can make time for myself and continue to be a happier and more productive wife and mother, even with the challenges that lay ahead. I certainly know (as I did during student teaching) that the "real world" I will get thrown into has many more variables than I could ever come up with (life's not all lollipops and rainbows unfortunately, as readers of my blog know all too well), but with that in mind, I know that my Heavenly Father will assist me in my times of need and help direct people to me that will help me in my righteous desires.
With that being said. I think I can, I think I can.... :)
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Parenting Epiphany
There have (thankfully) not been too many of these days since those early post partum days with little a, but today was one of those days. The highest of highs (think: awesome baby shower with friends and family and spending time with my family, especially having both my sisters in town to help wrangle the littles) and the lowest of lows. And unfortunately the lows are always most prominent in my mind.
I don't really feel like I have ever been someone growing up who had much of a temper. There just wasn't much that would get me truly riled up. Then I had kids. And the ability for them to push my buttons and take me from 0-60 in about a millisecond... well, they have practically perfected it into an artform in our home. It's embarrassing to myself and its something I am working on, but each time I "lose it" and say something I regret (or at least saying it in an aggressive, bullying tone that looking back makes me cringe), I am reminded how much my kids are learning from me even at the moments I wish they were doing anything but.
Long story short, I raised my voice at my two year old in front of my four year old because she wouldn't stop crying. Looking back, it was so stupid and I should have listened to Drew's advice to walk away and let it go (two things I struggle with, especially the latter), and while the whole ordeal took place over the course of a minute or so, it took me about 10 minutes to soothe and apologize to both kids, and another hour for me to "recover" and repent on my own afterwards. Not even close to my best moment, and something I hope I never have to relive. I can make any excuse I could conjure up, but the fact is, I made a rash decision in the heat of the moment and immediately regretted it. But as I prayed and reflected on what happened tonight, there are a few reasons I am grateful it happened. This incident showed me how much I really care about how my children perceive me... I don't EVER want them to be frightened of me. I want them to see me as a comfort. Little d told me I did not do a good job "trying to be like Jesus" and boy was he right! I hate when that happens, and the bigger I have gotten in this pregnancy the shorter my temper has gotten... with it being harder to move, I have been much more likely to verbally express my opinions (yelling at the kids to stop fighting instead of just walking over and physically separating them) and I am not proud of it. But the fact of the matter is that I am only going to get bigger, then I will be cut open and recovering from major surgery and then I will have two more littles to be in charge of managing and it's only going to get more difficult. I realized tonight that if I were to continue along this path that I would continue (probably more frequently) to feel like a bad parent (even if these incidents were few and far between) and it is devastating and damaging to my self esteem as a parent and person.
So tonight I made a resolution. I will no longer be raising my voice at my kids (unless I am cheering them on in a sporting event), eliminating even my exception which in the past has been if my kids' lives are in danger (like if they are running around a parking lot). I know it is possible (because you know, with God all things are possible, right?) to be even keeled at all times, as long as I don't always resort to knee-jerk reactions and instead take some deep breaths and count or even get away from the situation for a little while and come back when I have cooled down (strategies I have tried, and failed, to attempt to implement with little d when he gets upset, probably because I have not successfully done them myself!). This will by no means be easy. I do a lot of really fun things with my kids and they will quickly learn that while these things have been the norm, if they choose to not listen and it potentially undermines their safety (grocery store and errands running and playdates being at the top of the list), I simply will immediately leave the store or place we are at and eventually they will understand that that behavior is just not acceptable. For too long I have allowed it because it gives me the opportunity to get a lot of stuff done that needs to be done (not easy to manage alone with a traveling husband), or the chance to visit with a good friend, but the fact of the matter is that I need to change my way of thinking if I want them to respect me, and I want them to respect me because I mean what I say, not because they fear the way I will say it. It will probably involve slip ups, but at least now I have a plan and I know how to execute it. Not getting upset is not an option for me, and shouldn't be, because then I let it build up until I explode, but if I can accept the anger and work harder to think through it and understand it, then I know I can get it under control. Even spending the last hour thinking about why I did what I did, there was no angle I could look at the situation see any sort of justification for what I did. Extremely sorry and terribly embarrassed were the only things I could think to describe it and it sucks.
This post was probably one of the hardest in like 6000 that I have ever written because it's not an easy thing to write about, exposing one of my biggest character flaws for anyone to read (or possibly for my kids to read some day in the future, yikes!) but this blog has never been solely about lollipops and sunshine, and it hopefully never will be. The only way I can learn from my mistakes is to acknowledge that I did them, repent, make the necessary changes, stop dwelling on the mistake and then just move on. I will never be a perfect parent, but I will be darned if I don't keep trying to improve myself. Also seeing it in writing is far more therapeutic than I will ever give it credit for, and definitely helps me in the "letting it go" process.
The night could have ended two hours ago, with me mourning the tragedy of my horrible parenting and wondering how on earth I could possibly manage double the amount of kids that I have when I can barely handle two in a way that makes me consistently proud. But I thankfully have an extremely supportive spouse who listens to me and calms me and advises me and teaches me not just at moments like this but on a daily basis, and that coupled with the help of my Heavenly Father (who I know will somehow give me the time, energy, patience and strength to survive four kids four and under) makes me realize that I can do this. I can continue to boil over and seethe in what could have been had I not slipped up, or I could learn from my mistake and MOVE ON, hopefully a little wiser than before.
The other day, I asked little d (after a 7 am yelling incident involving him, his sister and me I like to call "STOP DOING STUFF TO TICK YOUR SISTER OFF THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING BEFORE I HAVE PROPERLY WOKEN UP!") what I could possibly do to get him to listen to me, when telling him multiples times or in a louder voice was obviously not helping him "hear" what I was saying. I know he adores his prek teacher, Miss M, and doesn't seem to have any problem listening to anything she ways, in fact, he tries reaaaaally hard to please her! After some not so helpful suggestions ("I have all my friends with me so I like to listen when I am with them", "She has better toys and games than you do", "I have more fun with her than I do with you"), I finally find out that when she wants to get a point across to a student, she walks up to them and whispers what she expects of them in their ear.
A Whisper.
The opposite of what I have been doing, and obviously way more effective.
I suppose you don't deal with special needs preschoolers for 10 years without picking up some awesome tricks along the way. I decided on the spot that Miss M is a genius.
So that is what we have been working on with him the last few days. Unfortunately this tactic is not quite so effective with his little sister, but I know now that it is imperative that I keep trying. And even if I fail to communicate with her, at least I can be the mom that uses a soft and respectful (Christlike?) voice instead of hollering at her kids.
I can do this. I may not be able to do yoga properly but I can make my best attempt to parent my kids in a way that makes them love and respect me instead of fear me or want to defy me.
I love my kids so much. SO much. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to raise them in our family, and to add two more to our little family. I know that Satan doesn't want me to be happy or to feel like I am a capable mother of (almost) four, and those feelings of loss and devastation and worthlessness are not from a good place, and with the Savior's help I can learn to not embrace those crushing feelings but to let them go.
I am proud to admit that I am perfectly imperfect, just like my own kids. And I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
And I promise more on the "highs" of today (ie the baby shower, nursery and littles room completed!) coming up tomorrow.
I don't really feel like I have ever been someone growing up who had much of a temper. There just wasn't much that would get me truly riled up. Then I had kids. And the ability for them to push my buttons and take me from 0-60 in about a millisecond... well, they have practically perfected it into an artform in our home. It's embarrassing to myself and its something I am working on, but each time I "lose it" and say something I regret (or at least saying it in an aggressive, bullying tone that looking back makes me cringe), I am reminded how much my kids are learning from me even at the moments I wish they were doing anything but.
Long story short, I raised my voice at my two year old in front of my four year old because she wouldn't stop crying. Looking back, it was so stupid and I should have listened to Drew's advice to walk away and let it go (two things I struggle with, especially the latter), and while the whole ordeal took place over the course of a minute or so, it took me about 10 minutes to soothe and apologize to both kids, and another hour for me to "recover" and repent on my own afterwards. Not even close to my best moment, and something I hope I never have to relive. I can make any excuse I could conjure up, but the fact is, I made a rash decision in the heat of the moment and immediately regretted it. But as I prayed and reflected on what happened tonight, there are a few reasons I am grateful it happened. This incident showed me how much I really care about how my children perceive me... I don't EVER want them to be frightened of me. I want them to see me as a comfort. Little d told me I did not do a good job "trying to be like Jesus" and boy was he right! I hate when that happens, and the bigger I have gotten in this pregnancy the shorter my temper has gotten... with it being harder to move, I have been much more likely to verbally express my opinions (yelling at the kids to stop fighting instead of just walking over and physically separating them) and I am not proud of it. But the fact of the matter is that I am only going to get bigger, then I will be cut open and recovering from major surgery and then I will have two more littles to be in charge of managing and it's only going to get more difficult. I realized tonight that if I were to continue along this path that I would continue (probably more frequently) to feel like a bad parent (even if these incidents were few and far between) and it is devastating and damaging to my self esteem as a parent and person.
So tonight I made a resolution. I will no longer be raising my voice at my kids (unless I am cheering them on in a sporting event), eliminating even my exception which in the past has been if my kids' lives are in danger (like if they are running around a parking lot). I know it is possible (because you know, with God all things are possible, right?) to be even keeled at all times, as long as I don't always resort to knee-jerk reactions and instead take some deep breaths and count or even get away from the situation for a little while and come back when I have cooled down (strategies I have tried, and failed, to attempt to implement with little d when he gets upset, probably because I have not successfully done them myself!). This will by no means be easy. I do a lot of really fun things with my kids and they will quickly learn that while these things have been the norm, if they choose to not listen and it potentially undermines their safety (grocery store and errands running and playdates being at the top of the list), I simply will immediately leave the store or place we are at and eventually they will understand that that behavior is just not acceptable. For too long I have allowed it because it gives me the opportunity to get a lot of stuff done that needs to be done (not easy to manage alone with a traveling husband), or the chance to visit with a good friend, but the fact of the matter is that I need to change my way of thinking if I want them to respect me, and I want them to respect me because I mean what I say, not because they fear the way I will say it. It will probably involve slip ups, but at least now I have a plan and I know how to execute it. Not getting upset is not an option for me, and shouldn't be, because then I let it build up until I explode, but if I can accept the anger and work harder to think through it and understand it, then I know I can get it under control. Even spending the last hour thinking about why I did what I did, there was no angle I could look at the situation see any sort of justification for what I did. Extremely sorry and terribly embarrassed were the only things I could think to describe it and it sucks.
This post was probably one of the hardest in like 6000 that I have ever written because it's not an easy thing to write about, exposing one of my biggest character flaws for anyone to read (or possibly for my kids to read some day in the future, yikes!) but this blog has never been solely about lollipops and sunshine, and it hopefully never will be. The only way I can learn from my mistakes is to acknowledge that I did them, repent, make the necessary changes, stop dwelling on the mistake and then just move on. I will never be a perfect parent, but I will be darned if I don't keep trying to improve myself. Also seeing it in writing is far more therapeutic than I will ever give it credit for, and definitely helps me in the "letting it go" process.
The night could have ended two hours ago, with me mourning the tragedy of my horrible parenting and wondering how on earth I could possibly manage double the amount of kids that I have when I can barely handle two in a way that makes me consistently proud. But I thankfully have an extremely supportive spouse who listens to me and calms me and advises me and teaches me not just at moments like this but on a daily basis, and that coupled with the help of my Heavenly Father (who I know will somehow give me the time, energy, patience and strength to survive four kids four and under) makes me realize that I can do this. I can continue to boil over and seethe in what could have been had I not slipped up, or I could learn from my mistake and MOVE ON, hopefully a little wiser than before.
The other day, I asked little d (after a 7 am yelling incident involving him, his sister and me I like to call "STOP DOING STUFF TO TICK YOUR SISTER OFF THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING BEFORE I HAVE PROPERLY WOKEN UP!") what I could possibly do to get him to listen to me, when telling him multiples times or in a louder voice was obviously not helping him "hear" what I was saying. I know he adores his prek teacher, Miss M, and doesn't seem to have any problem listening to anything she ways, in fact, he tries reaaaaally hard to please her! After some not so helpful suggestions ("I have all my friends with me so I like to listen when I am with them", "She has better toys and games than you do", "I have more fun with her than I do with you"), I finally find out that when she wants to get a point across to a student, she walks up to them and whispers what she expects of them in their ear.
A Whisper.
The opposite of what I have been doing, and obviously way more effective.
I suppose you don't deal with special needs preschoolers for 10 years without picking up some awesome tricks along the way. I decided on the spot that Miss M is a genius.
So that is what we have been working on with him the last few days. Unfortunately this tactic is not quite so effective with his little sister, but I know now that it is imperative that I keep trying. And even if I fail to communicate with her, at least I can be the mom that uses a soft and respectful (Christlike?) voice instead of hollering at her kids.
I can do this. I may not be able to do yoga properly but I can make my best attempt to parent my kids in a way that makes them love and respect me instead of fear me or want to defy me.
I love my kids so much. SO much. I feel so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to raise them in our family, and to add two more to our little family. I know that Satan doesn't want me to be happy or to feel like I am a capable mother of (almost) four, and those feelings of loss and devastation and worthlessness are not from a good place, and with the Savior's help I can learn to not embrace those crushing feelings but to let them go.
I am proud to admit that I am perfectly imperfect, just like my own kids. And I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
And I promise more on the "highs" of today (ie the baby shower, nursery and littles room completed!) coming up tomorrow.
Monday, July 14, 2014
"That their burdens may be made light"
Having a husband who travels a bit means that i have gotten used to balancing (or pretending to balance) two kids on my own. And I'm not going to lie, over the last year I have steadily gotten better at it. Meaning that I no longer burst into tears when they both start screaming in the car, I just turn the radio up and roll the windows down and breathe in the saying "this too shall pass..."
Even though both insisted I carry them in and out of the gym (which I totally just count as part of my workout, by the way)... Today I really didn't mind a bit. Probably because I knew that later that day my burden (speaking metaphorically of course) would be shared and lifted by my amazing parents. I was lucky enough to live near my inlaws last year, but there is certainly something a bit special about being able to crash at your parents house with two crazy littles in tow, and of course (usually) with little to no warning. Everything good I learned from my parents and I continue to learn from them each day.
Words will never sufficiently give it justice but I am so very blessed.
And A was over the moon about her new shirt today.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Bullies
Today was the first day at the new gym, the one with four different sections for the kiddie care, including a baby area and a mini basketball court, both of which I was thrilled for my kids to experience.
Also the kids made cookies with Anna today which made everything better.
"I tried to play with the big basketball hoop but the big boys told me I was too little!"
Oh boy. I knew this day would come. To be totally honest, we've been dealing with this issue for years! Since little d was 18 months and could shoot a basketball and hit a baseball and throw a football pretty darn near perfect, (not to mention the fact that he has my short genes) upon first glance, most people dismiss him as being too short. Until they see him throw a pretty good spiral, hit a wiffle ball over a house, or actually make a shot with a basketball. Today was just the first day HE truly recognized that there was a kid or two discriminating him for his size, a day I knew wasn't too far off, the day I taught him about bullies.
I can't protect him anymore. I know what worse things will be said to him and about him and he may even get picked on in fights. I can only use that as an example to not be a bully anc teach him to be kind to others and pray that he will figure out the rest. He actually managed to solve the problem himself by walking away and going to play at a smaller basketball hoop in a different area.
I wish I would have read Malcolm Gladwell before having kids and given them a leg up to combat the short stature gene by having them born in the fall or early winter. But at least these two littles of mine will just have to be ok with being the smaller younger kids of their grades. And hopefully the fact that they blow away kids twice their age in sports dominance will play in their favor.
Parenting is really hard. Bullies are only going to get worse. I'm just so grateful for the gospel and the power of prayer to help put my mind at ease.
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