Dealersocket

Before I forget let it be known that Halloween 2014 was the year that I gave my mom (who never ever cooks complex stuff from scratch) a delicious sounding recipe on a whim for white chicken chili and IT WAS THE BEST CHILI I have I ever had. It took her 30 minutes to make from scratch and she did it all on her own (minus the fact that I chopped the onion for her the night before). MOM I AM SO PROUD and of course I got no photos of my mom with the chili and it disappeared so fast I couldn't even get seconds (boo!) so who knows if my sisters or drew will believe it or not. But it was incredible. Also the only reason why drew will come home to a clean kitchen tomorrow sj that my parents and cousins and aunt and uncle came over tonight for dinner and trick or treating and my mom and dad cleaned the whole place up for me. Seriously so grateful for another fun night with them.

So this Halloween marks a year since we said "I do" to dealersocket's offer to make Drew manager of the Midwest and move our family for the zillionth (7th?) time in as many years. It was an easy decision for me, easier than it was for Drew. And since that time we have settled into a rhythm of traveling, more often than I will admit I expected initially, but a good rhythm for us. 

You see, When Drew is home, he doesn't have any coworkers. He works from home and while we love eating breakfast and dinner (i can't figure out why he doesn't want to eat lunch at 11:30 with us before preschool haha) and getting to stop by and see him anytime we feel like creeping up on him in the basement (which I am sure he loves and helps him get so much work done!). Which would be awesome except for the fact that he's so social and loves interacting with, well, adults, which I can't blame him for. And dealersocket is full of awesome coworkers... Except that they are spread all over the country. 

Part of the appeal to me of this job is that I know when he does travel he works with people he really genuinely likes and enjoys working with. Ive only met a handful of coworkers and I absolutely understand the appeal of traveling and getting an opportunity to work with those guys because they are great. 

And while I have had plenty of people suggest drew try to work at company x or y, I stand by my decision that whatever Drew chooses for work I stand behind him to support him 110%, especially when they treat him as well as I feel Dealersocket does. They came into our lives at a very important and pivotal time, and I could not be more grateful for the blessings that have come from this job. It's not an easy job, and I know it's much harder on Drew at times than he cares to admit, but for now it is serving us wonderfully and I can't imagine him working anywhere else.

And I try not to think about the fact that drew told me the other day he hit 75 nights in Marriott hotels, which when I did the math meant that he had slept approximately 33% of his workweek nights in 2014 in a hotel. Thankfully, the time he does spend with us at home makes it feel much less than that, which is certainly a testament to his skills as a father and husband and provider. That being said, we do miss him this week and can't wait for him to be back home tomorrow!

My earthly parents

I always thought I had a pretty good relationship while growing up, with my parents. We may have had disagreements but nothing was ever so serious as to cause me to go more than a day without talking to at least one of them, even continuing through college. I grew and changed so much while away from home, and my parents have never stopped accepting me and loving me through everything. Then I became a parent myself and they became grandparents and it's kind of awesome how that just amplifies the love and the feelings of gratitude I have for them. My parents are amazing people with strong convictions, testimonies and work ethic that I strive hard to work towards. They have not always agreed with my decisions at the time (*cough* dad.....when I wanted to marry drew at 20) but I think it's a testament to the way they raised me that most of the decisions I have made (I like to think all of them) have blessed my life. I can only hope to raise my children in love and righteousness the way they have, if only to have a family as close and supportive as the one they established back in 1985.

For those who wonder how I don't go completely crazy when drew's out of town a lot or how I'm not more nervous about having twins with all the travel, it's because these guys are only a mere 20 minutes away.

We sure do love our (as Little a says) "ah-tidd" and "bah-pah"!

First official cravings (only took me nearly 15 weeks) with pregnancy #3

Read. this. book.

Oh my goodness.

Few books have I read that have had such a profound influence on me as this book, "heaven is here". I remembered following Nie's blog and anxiously awaiting this book release with the full story of her plane crash, 80% of her body burned and her incredible recovery (both physical and spiritual), and I must have somehow forgot all about it till it came up for book club.

As someone who never really shared her aching desire to be a mother until after I had little d, I was a little dubious in being able to relate to such a seemingly content and perfect housewife and mother but I connected with her in so many ways I couldn't put the book down once I started... So at 2 am, 5 hours and a box of tissues later, I finished. And unlike most books that I read and then eagerly look forward to another to quench my thirst, this one kept me thinking. For days later. How to better myself as a mother. How to bemore Christlike. How to better myself as a wife. Most importantly how to be so very grateful for and everything I have and more optimistic about the hands I have been dealt in this game of life.

With that being said, today starts 30 days of stuff that I am most grateful for. And today it is the gospel of Jesus Christ, that reminds us (ans i am going to butcher this but it is one of the most power sections of nienie's book) that when given the choice, our spirits would rather choose to live in a body that has nearly been burned to death as opposed to no body at all, and that just as the scars on the savior's hands represent his sacrifice on earth, so do ours, seen or unseen. That those scars make him no less perfect than he already is, they make him even more wonderful because of what he did to get them.

And while my scar (which this is an old picture from this summer) is finally starting to fade, it will soon be reopened to give life and add more meaning. I bemoaned the scar for a solid two years after I had little d, I felt as though my body had been forever ruined and not by choice. In the two years since then I have learned to love that little scar. The emblem of my initiation into motherhood. And after reading that book I am renewed with hope and faith in my savior and his plan for me. I  am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows everything about me. He will love me no matter what I do or say or look like and he certainly loves me through all the mistakes and shortcomings I make. 

I am not nor will I ever be a perfect anything. But I know that because my loving Heavenly Father allowed for his only begotten son to sacrifice for me and my sins, that those shortcomings can be fixed. That he will fix me and guide me in the path I am supposed to go.

When I think about having two more babies I am filled with joy and hope and excitement for being able to experience such a wonderful blessing...but when I focus on earthly matters, that happiness quickly sours to fear and uncertainty and "there's no way I can do this"-ness and "I have no idea what I am doing"-ness, which is a terrible spiral to be in.

So I focus on my Heavenly Father. He's got this, and he can see my future with my family and he knows this is the path for me and I trust him with all of my heart. While no situation I have ever lived in my life will ever even remotely compare to sweet Stephanie Nielsen's, I have met my fair share of difficult circumstances, and each one I have put my shoulder to the wheel and continued to forge on with faith that His hand would guide me to where I would need to go... And for that I am eternally blessed beyond measure. I married a man I loved who loved me back, and we were married and sealed for time and all eternity in the temple. We have been blessed with jobs, two gorgeous children who I absolutely delight in sharing the gospel with and seeing them grow in understanding in the light of Christ.

(14 week "bump" picture)

A few days ago I was reading with little d in his little kid scriptures, the book of Job and I was really struck by his loss of everything. We try to be grateful in our prayers of our healthy bodies, our family, our earthly possessions, but how would I react if it was all taken away from me??

I know I can do hard things. And I will work till my last breath to ensure that each day I try anew to build the sort of testimony that could withstand even the trials of poor Job.

Now go read that book.

(probably too many) Details/ramblings about my (last) first trimester (with twins)

Updated on Monday October 27, 2014.

(14 weeks) and totally officially OUT of the first trimester forever.

Today is a (knock on wood) much better day than all of the last 14x7 days combined. I actually have energy, I can drink my green smoothie without gagging and I actually enjoyed a “normal” pasta lunch with the kids and ice cream for dessert. The fatigue of the last few weeks is unlike anything I have ever experienced and I hope I never experience it again (at least not till I have two extra babies to care for).

Now that I am not as “pukey” as little d’s sweet prek teacher called it, I am focusing on a few important decisions I want to remember, in case, you know, I forget. Or change my mind. Little d will move into the same room as his sister in December. This is when we will hopefully find out the babies’ genders and I can start decorating the nursery. I have decided to not transition little a out of a crib until she either starts climbing out or little d’s birthday (in july), which ever comes first. Since we will not be potty training her anytime in the next year or so, and she had been staying awake complaining for most of her naps(she is currently attempting some sort of acrobatic jumping at the moment), I think it is in my best interest to not get her into a toddler bed quite yet. We will probably go ahead and buy another crib in the meantime for the twins to sleep together those first three months, and then separate them once we get little d a big kid bed for his 5^th birthday, and give his sister his bed.

The new car? Definitely sold on an SUV with captains chairs in the middle of the row, but not sure which version of it. I have no interest in buying a car until after the babies are born anyway, which Drew is more than fine with. Right now I want to focus on the stroller (convincing Drew and raising the funds to get a city select double jogger) and spending time with my older two kids, because those are the two things that stress me out least about this entire situation. Seriously aside from purchasing a house I have never been so nervous to buy anything in my life, especially since in my mind I think, we have two cars! We can fit our whole family in two cars… but of course that’s not at all practical if I am ever to make it out of the house (ahem to the gym) with all four kids on my own.

Two more things I never want to forget about this first trimester: Laying and sleeping on my stomach as much as possible (not quite so easy now), and handing little d the second ultrasound of his little baby twin siblings and seeing his sweet face go from shocked to enamoured as he held that photo in his arms, snuggling it to his face and telling me that “they are so perfect!” then running up the stairs to put it on his bulletin board. Oh how I love that sweet boy.

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Monday October 13, 2014 Stuff I never want to forget about my (terribly horrible no good very bad and hopefully last) First Trimester:

-Being so incredibly grateful every night, multiple times a night usually, that for the first time and first pregnancy in my life, I have a bathroom attached to my bedroom.

-Telling little d there was a baby… and then TWO babies growing in my belly. He was so excited and immediately started planning out what their names could be (leo and raph, elsa and anna, etc).

-Feeling so completely and utterly useless as a human being. I hit probably a few weeks in the middle of my trimester that I literally could not do anything…no cleaning, laundry, cooking, caring for children…all I wanted to do was sleep and be left alone. I was lazy and Drew picked up a ton of slack on my behalf, of which I cannot be more grateful for.

-Most mornings little d wakes up before I do, changes his clothes and comes to my room, requesting to say hello to the babies. He feels my belly, puts an ear on my stomach, and “listens” to what the babies are saying that morning. Sometimes he talks to them or sings to them, or asks me questions about my scar or how the babies are growing. He is terribly fascinated with the growth of these babies, in a way that helps me get excited for them and their new developments each week… we watch videos together, learn about the approximate sizes of the babies, and he just has a crazy excitement about this pregnancy that is completely contagious. I am so so grateful for him.

-Little d was acutely aware of how sick I was this trimester and prayed fervently for “mom to get healthy and strong, mom to not be so sick from the babies, babies to keep growing big and strong, and bless us to know what the babies names will be.” Amen, brother.

-One day a few weeks ago (last week of the month of September, because Drew should have been on install that week and for some reason wasn’t), Drew came upstairs to see me half passed out on the couch at 5pm, no dinner anywhere in sight because nothing sounded appealing and both kids watching Curious George as they crawled all over me. All I could tell him was that a lasagna sounded really good right about now, and he whisked the children to the store so I could get a nap in, then came home and we baked the lasagna he brought. That was my Total Rock Bottom. While I haven’t gotten 100% back to normal, especially when it comes to making meals, at least the bathrooms are clean and I am keeping up with laundry and dishes. Most of the time.

-SMELL has dominated my life the last three months. EVERYTHING has to smell appealing and I will do anything in my power to make it so. Yankee Candle has a loyal customer in me, especially because of their Summer Wish candle, which honestly I hope is what heaven smells like. Cinnamon, apples, lemon, butter, any fresh smell has been dominating my house so much I am embarrassed to say I have spent more on scented things to make my life smell good the last few weeks than I have in my entire life. But something has to combat the smells of dirty diapers, accidents by cat and preschooler alike, and kitchen smells.

-My cravings this time around have been more of a game of “what doesn’t sound like the most disgusting thing on the planet right now, and still gives me protein, which in the long run helps me to not feel so nauseated?” It’s a terrible game, and I am unfortunately still in it, but I have a little more control over it as long as I mentally get myself excited for a certain kind of food.

-Carbs may be the death of me and not in a good way. ALL food has a terrible aftertaste to me, but carbs (bread and cereal and milk products especially) are the absolute worst. I try to brush my teeth after each “meal” but the fact is, I don’t feel like eating a lot in one sitting because it makes me sick, so I end up eating every few hours and only brushing a few times a day. And I have finally given into eating late at night… I hate myself for doing it, but it does make me feel better and have more energy when I wake up in the morning.

-Still managing to work out, although usually only four times a week instead of the usual six. Continuing to strength train and usually feeling least pregnant when I am in the gym breaking a sweat. Best bonus of working out though? Being thirsty enough to drink close to the amount of water I am supposed to, at least during the day. It is hard to remember to drink enough water when you barely have room for meals.

-Little a lifting up my shirt and saying “baby? Baby? Bay-buh!” which is her word for bellybutton, since she hears us talking baby but all she can actually see is my giant belly button.

-Little a is so clueless for the most part, but there are some times when she has truly sensed that something is amiss with me and she responds with “mom?” and kissy lips. LOVE HER.

-Finding out about our impending double arrival has put me into hypermom mode when it comes to the two I already have. I try to make my time with them as good as possible because I do have a deadline… I don’t know how long I will be able to be as good of a mom as I want to be to the two of them so I am trying my hardest to treat each day a little better than my last. Good in theory, not always in practice, as my sleep needs sorely affect my temperament but the days I remember to keep a prayer in my heart, I more often than not get the help I need to be that good kind of mom I want my kids to remember.

-I don’t care what the doctor says about me being a week behind what they thought I was. In my mind, I have hit 12 weeks, I am OUT of the first trimester, and while I am grateful it means the babies are growing and mostly fully formed…. GOOD RIDDANCE, FIRST TRIMESTER. You were so so terrible awful and I sincerely would not wish those feelings of extreme exhaustion and fatigue and nausea on my worst enemy. The End. On to the second trimester!

Family Halloween weekend part 1

Since we found out recently Drew would be out of town for Halloween, I have gone out of my way to make sure we have some good stuff on the weekends to make up for his missing out on trick or treating this year. Starting with this weekend's party sponsored by the township we live in. It was SO well done, everything was free, and we got fed lunch, played in hay mazes, trick or treated, petted police horses (over and over and over again.... Thank you, little A), watched a crazy fire demonstration, watched a helicopter take off, played with friends, crafted and had tons of goodies. I was short on pictured but honestly we were just having such a good time I didn't think twice about it. Also a bit hard to pick out our kids since they picked the two most popular costumes this year... Elsa and a ninja turtle. Drew went as cowboy (you know with all that awesome garb he had to buy for cowboy camp a few weeks back!), and I managed to scrounge up $5 for a hat and felt and 45 minutes of crafting this morning to conjure up the easiest costume for a slightly chunky pregnant mama who wants to delight her daughter (no one wants to see a fat April jones, let's be honest) aka Olaf.

Met up with Alex the lion, a minion and hermione. (Not pictured, the dog and pirate and other ninja turtles we were hanging out with)

Waiting patiently for her favorite candy... A Reese's (Wonder where she got that from??)

So many treats! And just to show it always take a dozen takes to get one good picture:

Finally!

The good:

And the crazy faced (but yet somehow my favorite?!)

He made three crafts! My mama heart was so proud.

Using a real fire hose!

Oh how she loved it....

Or maybe she just liked flirting with the fireman???

So no full family shot together. But an awesome afternoon nevertheless.

Boo at the zoo last weekend

Well known fact: my children are adorable. Even more so in costumes.

Lesser known fact: they love each other just as hard as they fight each other.

And no, we will not be matching as a family this year. Obviously. I'm hoping I can convince the twins to match me next year at least.

Bffs at the zoo.

Waiting to feed giraffes.

She was SO mad she couldn't let them. Furious. We probably just need to spend all our zoo time at the petting zoo barn to keep her happy.

Also little d managed to write "boo at the zoo" all on his own on the magnadoodle on the ride home from the zoo. I love my smartie pants boy!

Halloween prep (as designed by little d)

...and Kevin didn't quite get the memo. Or maybe he just hates the "black cat" stereotype this time of year :/ or he just can't wait for knocking over Christmas tree ornaments in the middles of the night when no one is watching.

Two hours

For anyone who hasn't had to watch both of my children at the same time, it is like a wild game of "give me your attention or I will act out/scream". I love my kids more than life itself but each child has the total capability to act like an only child with every expectation to have my undivided attention. Little d probably got it from 3 years of only child-ness, and little a probably developed it as a defense mechanism over the last six months or so since she became aware of her big brothers constant battle for the limelight. Haha maybe that's why we are having twins... No better way to break that habit than to introduce two newborns at once.

Anyways. So I have been struggling since little a dropped her second nap at a year to spend more time with little d while still keeping my own "me" time, and then since preschool started to give little a some one on one time with me instead of just napping her the entire time her brother was in prek. 

Both kids were waking up around the same time (7-8am) and going to bed around the same time (8-9pm) and it just wasn't working for me. Bedtime was horrible and so much crying and I knew something had to change. 

Mornings are still a struggle so I have focused on naptime and bedtime... I now try to hang out and play with little a after prek dropoff for about an hour and then put her down for a nap for about an hour. On days drew is home I won't wake her up and let her nap longer but if I don't take that time with her before she naps I get no one on one time with her at all... And there's usually more prenap crying when I don't wear her out.

Evenings (this week so far) I now try and bathe/change into pajamas both kids by 7, and little a gets to bed by 7:30, and little d gets an hour with me to craft and read and just hang out and do whatever.

Both kids go to bed happy and while I don't get as much done around the house, I feel so much better about my individual relationships with each of my kids.

Now in five-ish months that is all going to be thrown for a loop when the twins come, but for the time being I am focusing on NOW and that is enough.

Today was the day I realized My baby girl is no longer a baby.

In the last few months she dropped her morning nap, stopped using a highchair and a bib, stopped using a binky, started nursery and started developing quite a personality: picking her clothes (Anna! Nemo! Meenee aka Mickey!), developing quite a stubborn streak, screaming bloody murder when big brother touches her stuff or takes something away, etc.

Total diva. I thought for sure that little d's personality would be so strong and overshadow his little sister, but she seems determined to make sure that never happens. Girl can stick up for herself!

We had tacos tonight per request of little d, she took a few bites (in the time it took her brother to inhale his food) and as soon as he announced he was done, so did she.

I still can't get over those pigtails.

As sad as it is to part from the cute chunky baby stage and as hard as it is to deal with toddler tantrums and all the craziness that increases with the ones (and twos and threes), gosh do I love when my babies evolve out of that baby stage and really start developing personalities.

You know it must be just about daylight savings time when

Both your kids have been consistently sleeping in till 8am or later, which has never happened before. And has also never been needed more before in my life. Nine hours of sleep and I still wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. And as I know from four years of it, daylight savings is guarenteed to make my children wake up at least as hour or two earlier than they were pre-DST. It's a known fact. So.... Bracing myself ;)

But that's life. And I feel so blessed to have these sweet smart things call me mama and for them to the the last face I see before I go to bed and the first faces I see when I wake up in the morning. Now if only I could harness their energy and spunk first thing in the morning...

A glimpse into my last first trimester

It was terrible horrible no good very bad and all that. All I kept thinking every day was "this will all be over at 12 weeks and I'll never have to do it again." Well. I am 13 weeks as of yesterday and there's no real end in sight to the misery. Thankfully I've had two incredible ultrasounds to witness my little dancing skeletons in all their growing glory, and I have two daily physical reminders running all over my house of what my body is capable of doing. ie it is not trying to kill me although it might feel like it.

This pregnancy has been so completely unlike either pregnancy I have had, not even counting the fact that I have doubled instead of singles this time around. I toggle between feeling like a total failure as a homemaker, mother, housewife, Christlike person, and sometimes all of the above when the nausea and fatigue hit a dual crescendo in my body.

Making two babies is not easy. But I am grateful for my four solid years of experience the "worth it"-ness of what I am going though. 7 more weeks till we know the babies genders (and till they are half baked!) and that makes it all the more real and survive-able in my eyes. 

Until then I will try try TRY to make meals for my family (even when I avoid thinking about or looking at food by all means possible when I am not actually having to eat), meals that involve vegetables and fruit even when most of it grosses me out. I will try to get enough sleep so I have the energy (and patience) I need to be more present with the babies I already have given birth to. I will try to be ok with not simultaneously being able to achieve the trifecta of a homecooked meal, clean house and happy kids on any given day. I will try to pick and choose my battles and to focus on those things that are most important. I will try to drink water and go to the gym even when some days all I want to do is hide under the covers till noon. I will try to eat protein when all I want to do is eat more fruit snacks.

Every day is so different. My tastes and dislikes with food change so frequently that even I have a hard time keeping up. 

Just a tiny glimpse of what 11pm looks like almost daily. If I do make good food, the cleaning takes the back burner. And vice versa. This used to happen on a much smaller scale, but I always managed to remedy the problem quickly. I work a lot slowest these days.

Then of course I go through spurts of mels kitchen cafe-dness, making orange chicken, sweet rolls, applesauce and caramel popcorn from scratch all within about a week. Almost as soon as I make something and realize I have leftovers I just feel sick thinking about those leftovers sitting in my fridge.

Except for that applesauce. I need more of that applesauce in my life, made from apples we picked At an orchard. My only regret is not having bought more. My kids (who typically inhale applesauce through a pouch) hated it and I thought it was the best applesauce I've ever had. Win-win in my book. Onward we press. To the second trimester!