Patterns

This pregnancy has been quite the roller coaster, as have the two previous but this one more so because, well, I'm dealing with a lot more "stuff" over here. Good days are really good and productive, not so good days are sloggy and heavy and I wait for some relief which usually won't hit until the next morning... Maybe.

Then there are days like today. Busy, productive, nonstop go go go from the moment I am out of bed till I collapse in my bed 15 hours later. I never made it to the gym but we had friends over in the morning, play dates all day long, Krons came over for a few hours in the evening and I was overwhelmed with how awesome it was to have my dad help put together the babies dresser, my mom bathe and care for little a, DK to make my little d so happy with all their little creative games... And everyone seemlessly interchanging children and responsibilities to keep everyone happy, myself included.  They stayed for dinner and left at 8 and while I was exhausted, my heart was oh so full. My only regret was in not stopping to catch more of it... I never want to forget how wonderful the relationships my kids have with their maternal side really are. 12 really extremely good hours of my day.

And then I remember we still need to put together the crib (probably tomorrow or Monday), the kitchen backsplash (or lack thereof) still desperately needs to be replaced from 7 months ago, our siding is still missing, our sump pump is leaking (into the baby pool in the basement, at least drew can now admit it was $7 well spent!), our bedroom cieling fan/light needs to be replaced, I did do the laundry but it has been done so late that I haven't been able to put it away (which usually means it won't happen till the next laundry day), my bellybutton officially took "outie" status today, meaning it is crazy sensitive and a lot of times painful to the touch, every item of clothing I own (bras, shirts, pants, undergarments, socks) is suddenly SO TIGHT I feel it is suffocating me, not to mention the zillion things needing attention on my "to do before babies" list (in my brain, that I probably need to write down).... Well, in a nutshell, the last few hours of today have been overwhelming in a totally opposite way of the previous 12. All I want to do is immediately pass out asleep for 12 solid hours, on my stomach. Thankfully a quick phone call to my sweet middle sister helped me get over that overwhelming feeling (that, and a pack of rolos).

Instead I will spend probably an hour or two tossing and turning in my bed till the exhaustion of my mind matches that of my body, only to be awoken 7 hours later  by a chorus of "elmo!" And "Can I watch a show?!" Which of course I will give in to because I'm too tired to do anything else, and I'll buy myself another half hour or so of sleep before I have to start all over again. As much as I love and look forward to church, I am sort of hoping for a snow day... Is that bad? Trudging through snow while pregnant is bad enough but with heels and two kids (even with help from drew), that I'd just rather we watch shows or the kids play (fight) all day. Either way, Sunday marks the only guarenteed nap of the week for yours truly so that is a blessed day indeed.

Moral of this story? My days are not perfectly wonderful, nor are they constantly plunged into despair. They, like anything else in life, are cyclical. And a few bad hours won't ruin my life. Earlier this week, both my littles were super sick and I remember thinking they could not possibly bemore miserable, as was I, having to watch them go through that. But 48 hours after a dr visit and some antibiotics, both kids had their full health back and for that I am grateful. 

I'm not always good at remembering things, but if this blog has taught me anything in the last almost 7 (!!!) years, it's that we record these sorts of things because we so quickly forget. And to look back on our lives and notice the cyclical patterns, the blessings and the miracles as well as the trials, that is how we learn from them. 

"....for a mom."

Drew and I have had this conversation more times than I care to remember. Where I share my surprise with a well-put together woman being a mother, and Drew responding in some way or another, "She looks great for a mom...what does that even mean?" Why does it surprise me that women are capable of having children without have a scarlet letter emblazoned on their forehead?!

A lot has changed for me since my days BC (before children):
-I have less time to get ready for the day. I have less time for anything, actually, since at least one kid is by my side almost every waking hour of the day, usually getting into some sort of trouble the moment I turn my back.
-Sleep deprivation is an obvious mark of motherhood... I have never truly worn any makeup aside from some chapstic or lip gloss and mascara/eyeshadow/eyeliner and some facial lotion, so to be honest I have never actually attempted to cover up those dark bags under my eyes, which after this year will be permanently etched into my face, I am sure.
-It is an absolute fact that my body will never look the same as it did BC, no matter how well I eat or how hard I work out. I will still have extra skin, stretch marks, and generally weight shifted away from places I hoped it would stay, into places I wish it would never exist. If you have been pregnant you know exactly what I am talking about. Also: my bellybutton....RIP.
-My home will never be consistently clean for the rest of my years with children at home, coupled with the fact that I will never be simultaneously done and caught up with laundry and dishes.

BUT. All of the above is 200% worth it (and more!) to create two (going on four) beautiful children and have the opportunity to raise them and get to experience the joys of motherhood, of which really truly nothing can compare. And as much as I miss that old body when I have a rough day, I would trade it a million times over for the kids that I have been so blessed to have and to hold in my arms each day.

Mom jeans. Soccer mom. Sweats and no makeup, no shower. Nonstop stream of Disney movies on repeat. Stained clothes. The "mom pooch" belly. And of course the dreaded mini van... there are certainly some things that are not avoidable as a mom (that's why clorox invented those amazing stain sticks!). And I will admit to being a victim of a lot of these "mom-crimes" that seem to label moms as something less desireable than they should be.

Moms are awesome. Moms are incredible. Moms are beautiful.

And I am sure I am not the first to admit that I am slightly envious of the moms that seem more put-together than myself. Those moms that remembered to do their makeup/hair/brush their teeth/change out of their slippers before leaving the house. So I assume (hope?) that when I am out, other moms around me will be less put together than I am. It's not something I am proud of and it IS something I am working on, to stop comparing myself to others, but it is the truth. A huge part of my life was taken over when I had kids, mostly in that I had much less time to focus on myself, which is not necessarily a bad thing.  But I have made an effort to continue to take care of and put myself first so that I can be the best mom I can be to my kids, an example I hope to share with my sisters when they start having kids. If my dad has taught me anything important (and I like to think he has), it is that you can't have a happy family without a happy mom.

That being said... the mini van issue. I know there are and will continue to be plenty of nay-sayers that challenge my decision to get an SUV over a mini van. I get it. But convenience, ease of entry, plenty of room, blah blah blah....for the kids. And I get that as a mom that is a concern of mine BUT. Most people don't realize that we were NOT planning on getting bigger cars with a third child. I have absolutely no qualms about three car seats in the backseat because, to be honest, I really enjoy driving a compact car. But four children 4 and under doesn't give me that option. And I suppose if I went purely off of peer pressure I would go ahead and get the Odessey or Sienna. But I made a decision when I first got pregnant with little d that there are certain things I was not willing to give up as a mom, one of those being the chance to work out, and the other thing was that I would never buy a car I would hate to drive. And I promise you, I know for a fact (because I have driven them before) that I would hate driving a mini van. Period. Just because I haven't changed my mind in 29 years doesn't mean it will never happen...but it does mean the chances of that happening are about as likely as me adopting a sedentary lifestyle for the rest of my life. Ha.

So yes, I will continue to work out working out with four kids, and while I will happily accept the bags under my eyes and the extra skin that I will take to the grave, I will not be getting a van, thank you very much. I am fully aware of the pros and cons and will accept them because I will be driving an SUV that I enjoy driving. To each his own, and I know plenty of people (just about everyone who owns a van) that love their mini vans and swear by their awesomeness. And that's wonderful. But it's just not me. Apparently what is me is having a four year old hide a sticker onmy belly and not noticing it all day....

Three months till we buy our Honda Pilot, and while I will miss my little toyota corolla dearly, I am super excited for it. Happy wife, happy life, right Drew? :)

5th twinner ultrasound (26.5 weeks preggo)

First off let me say that to have the ultrasound tech inform me that as of a week from Saturday I can officially say I am SEVEN months pregnant probably should have had a hallelujah chorus to go along with it. I am so grateful to be able to carry my babies but after being able to do just about everything when I was full term with little A (and then some), its a hard, humbling experience to be so limited as of late in the things I want to do, specifically my stamina with the bigger littles (and it doesn't help that in bending down to pick up toys I have to consciously remember to do it in a way that makes me not throw up). In a word, these boys are inconvenient, to say the least. :) but certainly said in the best way possible.

Even with it being the fifth ultrasound, and the 20th week we have known we have twins, I still struggle with connecting with my boys. I wish I didn't, but it was much easier to connect with the other two because we had selected and loved their names so early on. We still cannot agree on names, and I'm afraid we are going to be one of those people, you know, the ones who cant decide on their kids' names until they are born...but at least everyone will know its not because we "need to see their faces" (since let's be honest, we have seen plenty of them at this point!), but because we are incapable of agreeing on a name. It makes me feel horrible as a mother to not be able to connect and say, "oh well he looks like a..." but to be perfectly honest I am in the camp of thinking that all babies look about the same, with a cute button nose and gorgeous pouty lips. I love them, I really do, but I cannot wait to decide on names and start connecting with them a little bit better as individuals as opposed to as a unit.

(Me trying to show the position of the babies while little d pushes his sister out of the shot. This was the best shot I got, too)

So. The ultrasound. My cervix "is a mile long" (the tech's word's, not my own haha) so the doctors are suuuuuper happy about that. They even put pressure on my abdomen, which apparently usually shortens the length (ie the difference between sitting and standing, jumping, etc), and my cervix did nothing which is brilliant. She's outlasted over a combined 126 weeks of pregnancy and more than 40 hours of labor, so I have my full and complete trust in this cervix (and uterus of mine) to carry these boys as long as they need to be carried.

(First pic I ever got in any pregnancy of the heart and heartbeats... I don't know why i love this so much!)

Up until this point the boys have been measuring nearly exactly the same, which I didn't know until today is pretty unique for twins, even of the same gender. Baby on my right is officially the culprit for bruising my right hip (where his head is laying), and my right ribcage (which he uses as a daily soccer ball just like his big brother). He is the lowest one, so the one they dub "Baby A", as he would be the first one out. He is head down, moving a lot, and making it difficult for the tech to take measurements. He measured 2 pounds 4 ounces (hooray!) which is just over the 50th percentile that they hope for babies (and kind of awesomely big for a multiple pregnancy). They said he will probably always measure a little smaller from now on because of how low he lies inside me, makes it difficult to take the best measurements. He was super photogenic the last visit but today he was a little shy, turning his little face away every time we tried to get a proper shot. We still have yet to get a spinal shot for him, but the tech took a few pics of the back of his skull, which she said if it looks normal (which it did), it usually indicates there are no concerns with the spine, even if they don't have a perfect picture of it.

"Baby B" as he is being called, is laying diagonally across me, with his head down towards my left hip (though nowhere near as close down as his brother) and he is stretched across with his feet next to his brother's feet. Must be nice to be taking up all that space :). He is starting to be the big one, at 2 pounds 7 ounces, meaning I have 4 pounds 10 ounces of baby inside me! Crazy to think about. Baby B was much more photogenic today, even if he kept putting his hands/arms in his face, we did get a few adorable shots of his sweet face (albeit with his brother's feet somehow making their way into a lot of the shots, haha, although none of which were printed off of course).

Both boys are moving around plenty, heartbeats are wonderfully strong and it was so lovely to see them again, Sarah came along with little d which was such a treat to have her there. I'm up 37-ish pounds and I definitely feel each one of them but I can't hate those extra lbs when they are doing so much good for my body and my babies.

My next hospital ultrasound is in a month, I see my regular doctor every two weeks from here on out (yay.) and generally speaking, I feel great. I truly can't complain, even though I can't run, I can still lift and (modified low-impact) kicbox and walk and not be a complete couch potato entering my last trimester (woot woot!) and I predict some serious swimming entering my near future as I bore of the other cardio options. If my first trimester (and then some) can be characterized as being where I had to force myself to eat since nothing sounded good (and to keep myself from being crazy nauseated), the second trimester was a "hey I can eat whatever I want!" time and I have loved it. Unfortunately it won't last long since I am running out of room and every calorie and bit of nutrient really does count, so I am trying to get back on board with "normal" eating habits (you know, occasionally eating fruits and veggies haha) since I fill up so fast.

(Someday this mess will be a dresser. In about 40 more steps...)

As most of you know, 30 weeks is my "deadline"... I want to have just about everything set by that point, which will certainly be a challenge since I also want to get in adding some meal planning and freezer meals in the mix of nursery, picking names, getting the kids and myself and the house ready for the upcoming arrivals, etc.

I'm excited for these boys. I am by no means even remotely close to being ready, but hopefully by the next ultrasound I will be. These boys can just keep on growing and I will do my best to pray they are able to find enough room in that small torso of mine.

Also, just because I love him and his personality: (shortly after this pic we watched how to train your dragon and he stripped off the turtle costume to fly around the house then make a toothless mask and wings with construction paper. The cutest!!!)

And this diva.

Chubby feet and all!

An hour kickboxing class at 26.5 weeks pregnant with twins merits a new shirt and ice cream for dinner

I'm so pregnant

Have you seen that parody off of iggy azalea's "I'm so fancy?" If you haven't then you probably should. Especially if you want to know what I'm feeling right now. Minus the tums but I'm sure that will come in due time. I can't wait till next month (week!) when instead of saying I have 3 months to go, I can say I'm having these boys in two months! I don't know why one month makes such a difference between being eternally pregnant and having a light at the end of the tunnel but it does. Carrying these boys has been wonderful and I treasure our time together but my hips and my ribs.... Well, who knows how long they will take to recover from this. I can't wait to sleep on my stomach again and have a proper (meaning in one or two hour stretches haha) nights sleep. I am just no longer comfortable on my side and my hip flexors cannot seem to get enough yoga or stretching or foam rolling to get them to relax at night, probably from all that front loaded weight carrying.

26.5 weeks

Pardon all the handprints.

Started putting together the babies dresser. 6 steps down in an hour, only 20 more steps to go...go ahead and do the math for me but hopefully I get this done before the boys come! Now I realize why I like IKEA so much. ;)

Crockpot chicken, homemade buttermilk pancakes (so good they don't even need syrup!) and homemade ice cream made out of fruit and coconut milk with white chips for dinner.

Yup. So pregnant.

my toddler daughter and preschool aged son have now shared a room for almost three months. and its been awesome.

Fairly rapidly into her second year of life, little a was not sleeping well. It felt like as soon as she turned one, she fought us on napping and sleeping through the night and then came the separation anxiety creeping into 18 months which was a whole lot of her calling out the names of every person who she knew was around to get them to get her out of that crib. I gave up on the second nap in a heartbeat, probably too soon looking back on it, but I cannot stand crying like that and dealing with it three times a day instead of two was simply not worth my sanity. So we struggled with that, and then I decided on a whim right before her 17 month birthday to go ahead and wean her off that binky (bottles were never actually an issue for her since she never actually took one beyond 3 months old) cold turkey and it was like the floodgates came rushing at us.

To summarize, the months of May-November were terribly nightmarish in the sleep department. I am pretty sure the only reason I was able to convince myself we should try and get pregnant during that period was the thought that this cannot possibly last forever, right? Naptimes had turned into the worst hour or two of my day, with non stop screaming and crying and I don't think I turned on the baby monitor once during that time. I knew it was a phase, and a nasty one at that, and what with getting all her teeth by the time she was 18 months I am sure the emotional scarring was as much for me as it was for her physically. Thankfully, with some baby tylenol, a whole lot of prayers and a bit of orajel each day, it started to get better. Instead of crying for two hours at night it was down to about an hour. Baby steps.

Then in December I decided on a whim that my kids would need to start sharing a room. By that time I had known for awhile that we were having twins, so with the increased need for my kids to share a room, I decided (with much coaxing and convincing to little d), to move them both into little d's room. It was not the easiest transition. I initially thought it would be best to stagger bedtimes: bad idea. Little a would just cry her little heart out till her brother came in and I was essentially doing double bedtime duty for her, reassuring her the second time I came in and calming her down as little d got into bed.

BUT. Once the two of them were in there together, they started talking. Seriously some of the funniest conversations we will ever hear thanks to the baby monitor, mostly because all little a could say was "Day!" (no, its NIGHT, sister! says little d), "dah-dah....hi." (repeatedly), a few other random words and so on. But they would still have conversations with little d asking her intricate questions and she would answer with usually one word. Sometimes they would talk until midnight, little d protesting ("go. to. BED!") because he was so tired from having preschool and no nap (he still does better with little naps most of the time, although he only gets them on weekends). At first the crying time before the talking was still about 30 minutes (with a lot of complaining on little d's part, but can you blame him? who likes to be in a room with a nonstop cryer?) but over the course of only about a week the crying had all but stopped. We put them both to bed about the same time, around 8pm, they would happily chat for awhile unless they were both really tired (usually little d falls asleep before little a) and they are both up for the morning between 7 and 7:30.

Probably the best part, aside from the end of the longest crying era known to our family, is that when the kids wake up in the morning, little d runs to the bathroom first thing and then comes back in, closes the door, and the two of them hang out for a half hour or so in her crib while I get a blessed few more minutes of shut eye or a quick shower in. I thought that part was pretty awesome last month, but coming into January, it takes me much longer to get myself (roll myself, whatever) out of bed in the morning. I try not to rush myself, since I had fainting episodes due to such rapid movement from a horizontal position to a vertical position when I was pregnant with little d, but when little a is awake, she wants out RIGHT THIS SECOND NOW. So she would previously holler my name (and of course add in a bit of dramatic crying for good effect) nonstop until I made it into her room.... that, thankfully, is no longer since she has someone to entertain her and be present with her. That is, until he does something she doesn't like and they start fighting, which is my official cue to get her out of the crib.

In conclusion, (as if this were a thesis, testing my theory that there was No Possible Way my kids would ever be able to get any sleep if they slept in the same room) putting my kids in the same room was the best decision I ever made. I only wish I would have thought of it sooner. My kids love sleeping in the same room together, and even when we stayed at my parents house for a week where they could each have their own room, little d insisted on sleeping in the same room as his sister. He tries to allow me to let them sleep in the same room for naptime, but that has rarely happened since they just get each other riled up... she sleeps in the room and little d does "quiet time" with me, where I read a book and he is beside me working on coloring or legos until he gets tired/bored and then we both fall asleep.

It has worked for us, trial and error has allowed me to find this wonderful balance in the chaos and my kids are better friends because of it. I am pretty sure that eventually all the boys will (maybe?) sleep in the same room together, but I sort of love the idea, at least for awhile of each "set" of kids, my littles and my babies, having a special relationship stemming from sharing a room together. Which is a good thing since we only have three bedrooms, haha. I keep forgetting but I will post pictures of their new joint room tomorrow, which surprisingly enough stays just about the cleanest room in the house since I tried to get a lot of organizing in there and the kids each have three dresser drawers to keep their stuff in. Little a will stay in her crib until the summer, at which time we will have to figure out a new bedroom arrangement for them (bigger bed for him? bunk beds to share?) but I will happily deal with that when the time comes. For now, I'll enjoy this newfound relative peace and tranquility in my home.

We just got the crib for the twins in today, which we will eventually set up in our bedroom for the first few weeks at least, and their dresser should be here by Friday, which will be one of two pieces of furniture in the babies room (the other being the futon) for at least a few months more. I figured with the help I will be needing it would be best to keep the babies room as much of a guest room as possible for the first 6 weeks, like we did with little d, then I can move them into their new room once they aren't waking/nursing so frequently and I feel more healed up.

I am not ashamed to say that My kids are the cutest.

I can't get over how handsome and sweet my little d is. Yes they can fight and scream (her) and tattle or steal (him) but this pic pretty much sums up their relationship:

He's been very concerned about his little sister all day, her coughing fits of the last two days terrify us all but him most especially... He rushes over to pat her back or give her water or speak reassuring words to her and my heart just melts....and while I am holding my breath that it's a nasty cold, after hearing her this evening, I have a sinking feeling its something more. (They're both vaccinated but My guess is whooping cough?)

Poor girl. But I just looooove her sick snuggles, like today during church and this evening watching a movie for an hour. She is so sweet I could eat her up. We will figure out what's going on tomorrow....

On a side note, all of my shirts are like this, I've just accepted it. Now I need to invest in a few more big long undershirts to make those maternity shirts last a few more months!

Sisters are in town!

I always laugh when people tell me I take too many pictures... I love candid shots and I like being able to remember things I wouldn't remember details to otherwise. I love the memories that come with a photo.

Also, when ever the whole family gets together, I'm probably the one taking the least amount of photos of the bunch haha.... Many more to come from this krondashian reunion weekend!

6 months pregnant with twins doctors visit #....?

I have honestly lost count. But there's been close to a dozen visits between the ultrasounds and regular ob visits.

Boys heartbeats are 150 and 145. Moving around plenty. They have no idea what position the boys are in other than that one is head down on my right hip basically. They still measure me even though with twins its a pointless measurement and means nothing. I'm huge so they're satisfied.

I'm not sure which hurts more right now... My hips or my ribs. I don't want to complain but it would be awesome if my torso could lengthen just a few inches. Ahhh if only.

Don't quit. (working out while pregnant with twins at 26 weeks)

There I was, 30 minutes into working out in my favorite (60 minute) class of the week at the gym for the first time in weeks (at that class, not the gym haha) because of the holiday schedule, and a thought occurred to me that had never struck me before today.

Why am I even doing this? I have to modify just about every move at this point. And the moves that I can do, I can't even use weights that feel like they are using my muscles enough because I get out of breath faster than my muscles fatigue, which is saying something when you are dealing with a weights-based class that doesn't have much cardio at all. So, I battled with myself in just getting out of the class and heading home early with the kids, waffling for 15 minutes before deciding to just finish out the class.

And I am so glad I did. The stretching we did at the end of class was soooo much needed. I probably would have forgotten to do that had I left early. Plus the people in that class are all so sweet to me, telling me what a good job I am doing, how great I look, etc. Super positive people that lifted my (hormonal) spirits.

Fast forward to this afternoon, when as we were coming home from preschool, little d fell asleep in the car. I am talking out COLD. I couldn't get him to do anything, so I summoned up all my mom-strength and (strategically, carefully, slowly) picked up that 40 pound chunk and carried him into the house to lay on the couch. That was when it really hit me. Sure, it may not feel like I am able to do much at the gym, or it may be crazy embarrassing that walking up our one flight of stairs put me so out of breath I had to sit down for a few minutes earlier today... when I am able to do something like carry my 4 year old even for just a few minutes, it makes me realize that this is what I have been training my body for this time around. Not with the end training goal of a breezy childbirth, but with the continuous goal of being able to care for my two older children while still growing our two babies.

I feel extremely blessed to have made it this weekend to 26 weeks without having to make more than just minor adjustments to our daily life. I was relieved to find out that there would be no preschool graduation mid-may that I would potentially have to miss. I am so pleased to hear how much little d is advancing in his behavior at school (although I wouldn't know it since all he "remembers" is snack time). And tomorrow I'm excited to have another appointment to hear the boys' heartbeats, in preparation for their next round of ultrasounds next week.

January (aka the worst month of the year) is almost over, and I only hated it for a few days. Hallelujah! February is nice and short and by the end of it, I will have scheduled the birthday of my twin boys, finished working on their nursery (crib and dresser/changing table come in next week, thanks to my mom and dad!), and I will have my hospital bag (and probably sleep-away bags for the kids) packed and ready to go at any time (But hopefully not need it till mid-april!).

And on another note, this is a prime example why when drew is away I never really get to eat (mostly dinner) properly. Because when I finally sit down with my food the kids gobble it up or want to play

With me and before I know it it's almost 9pm and my food has maybe two bites taken out of it... At least that leaves me with good fast breakfasts in the morning ;)

Onward and upward.

She is here! She is here! She is here!

Craaaaaazy.... I just can't sleep....

*update* I was at my parents house and little a removed a pillow in their living room to climb on the couch and lo and behold... There was the book! It must have fallen back there in the hustle to leave that last day we were staying there so that little d wasn't late for preschool!

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I have cleaned organized and re organized our entire house top to bottom, literally, even the basement which has been virtually untouched (and therefore a dumping ground for anything I didn't feel like dealing with upstairs) since I got pregnant.

So clean. So organized. Even the crawlspace. And yet, the one thing I am looking for, the one thing I haven't seen in days and it's driving me completely crazy. My book club book from the library! I haven't so much as started it and it's killing me, especially since I'm supposed to be in charge of book club next month! I feel like I have gone half mad searching every nook and cranny of my house and my car for that dumb book....this is so not going to help my pregnancy insomnia.

At least the kids had a good day (even with a terribly distracted mother!):

Happy 4 and a half years to my sweet baby boy!

The poor guy, in tears, told me he could never be a big brother. When I asked him what he meant he told me big brothers take care of their little sisters (little a has recently fallen off the kitchen chair). Of course I told him he was a big brother no matter what, and such a good one at that and I couldn't ask for a better big brother or son.

Gosh I love him.