5:30 AM complete with all the !@$%$&@*

*****update******

after getting all 4 kids in bed by 6:30pm tonight (yup, it was THAT bad of a night! I felt bad for them but grateful that the lack of sleep was finally catching up with them.), the big kids passed out almost immediately and the twins are still (as of 8pm) running around doing their thing but I have had 90 minutes of relaxing and it was just what I needed to get everything back in perspective. Which came in handy when 5 minutes ago I had to go up to the twins room to move the mattresses back to where they belong after the twins stripped the mattresses and pillows and then moved everything from one side of the room to the other (at least it's just a bunch of blankets and stuffed animals with mattresses! also grateful for my decision to not put ANY furniture or wall decor in there). Those boys are a piece of work but I love them so much and having a solid break from them did wonders for me. And, admittedly, I need to make sure I do something for myself while they nap that isn't cleaning or cooking, even if it is the most convenient time to do so. My motto for the last 4 years has been "it came to pass it did not come to stay" and I needed to be reminded of that tonight, that this too shall pass and then onto some other challenge ;)

***********

Just to give you an idea of where we FINALLY got to last week after MONTHS of struggle in the sleeping department:

-The twins were sleeping from 8pm-730am and still taking about a 90 minute nap midday.
-NO more waking up at all hours of the night
-Little A was finally making it through the day without a nap and without losing her mind in the process, and finally going to bed around 8pm (instead of napping late and staying up till midnight then sleeping in till 9am)
-Little d was waking up around 645 (woken up by me) but I was able to get him ready and off to school before the other 3 woke up
-bedtime was always a mess at 8, usually not ending till 9pm and then I pretty much would go right to bed shortly. But at least I could wake up early with Drew and while he went to the gym I could have some alone time.

Since Sunday morning:
-the twins have woken up at FIVE THIRTY AM EVERY MORNING. If I am awake at 5:30am I want to be by myself doing whatever I want to do, namely studying or getting ready for the day. I know I am lucky they are content to play for usually close to an hour together before I have to get them but it completely grinds my gears to hear them awake because my early morning time SHOULD BE QUIET and peaceful and all the other things I don't get for 99.9%of my waking hours.I can understand waking up at 630 now with the time change but TWO HOURS EARLIER than what they have been doing is really driving me crazy. This is a HUGE problem for me and it is really cramping my style. I tried putting them to bed later, earlier, and same time and usual to no avail. Today I napped them at noon and (this is painful) they were awake well before little d came home from school at 2:20. MY DAYS ARE SO LONG. And I am so tired and the best I can do to stay awake since I can't nap or do anything myself is eat. So I guess winter for me will be hibernating in sweats and sweatshirts.
-little d is awake just before 6:30 on his own, ready to go for the day. I do love not dragging him out of bed in the morning and it helps that it starts to get light around that time, so we walk to school in daylight now.
-little A is waking up around 7 without too much urging so our mornings are going a bit more smoothly.

Post-halloween, my kids are basically refusing anything from any major food group  that is not "Carbs and everything sugar" or processed garbage so I have been feeling like a terrific failure by 8pm each night. Not awesome. Working on it. Some days are better than others and at least we have finally started heading back to the gym after a week and a half of sick kids and sick me (and now sick Drew) with colds. Long story short, my motivation has been brutally beaten to a pulp over the last few months and daylight savings seems to have managed to make it worse.

I spent too long working on a dinner for tonight that I KNOW everyone is going to hate because it has vegetables (how dare I?!) and I haven't showered yet for the day and the only reason why I am blogging is because I have a lot of ANGRY feelings I don't want to continue spewing at my kids and I need to let them out, so I'm doing that while they watch Sing which will doubtless cause crying, screaming, gnashing of teeth and such the nanosecond it is turned off. Gah. Such is the awful struggle with electronics.

But I am trying to be grateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life instead of looking at the negative, like little D has been encouraging me to do every morning this week that he sees me in a terrible mood because the babies have been awake too early and I know how my kids get come 11am when little A has yoga class and they've already been awake for 6 hours.

when it hits the fan

The last two weeks we had playdates and fun activities lined up because I was so afraid of the kids missing friends or family and wanted to keep them busy. Then today we had nothing other than some errands and....

It finally hit. Today was the day that the novelty of the new house and moving and all that jazz wore off and I REALLY missed my neighbors. My parents. My ward family. My crossfit family. My extended family. My sisters and brother. Our Ohio home. Westerville!!!

It was definitely a combination of a lot of things. Feeling trapped with my 4 kids from sunup to sundown. Not getting a shower. Not getting enough sleep. Spending 45 minutes on a breakfast that was just okay (that took too long so I had to save it for lunch) and then over an hour on a dinner half my kids wouldn't even touch. Drew working late. Drew reminding me he had to go out of town this month (yes I realize the irony of that since that was the number one reason why we moved out here in the first place). Not being able to properly clean my floors (even though I worked on them for half an hour!) to make them look good. Having to go to the post office to get my mail (and of course wait in a 30 minute line to do so). 5 miles away. The mosquitoes really are terrible. But not as bad as the dust storms from the piles of dirt everywhere. Finding out that since our town has no library or rec center or anything but houses and a movie theater for now, we have to PAY FOR A LIBRARY CARD. And the icing on the cake is of course that My kids WONT. STOP. FIGHTING (and if they are not fighting it's because they are too busy crying). ALL. THE TIME.

 Then I took a deep breath and started counting my blessings. only a few more weeks till we can put up the trampoline. Knock on wood we will finally sell our Ohio house Friday and not be paying two mortgages anymore. Friends. Cousins. Space. Dream kitchen. Kevin isn't lost anymore. Drew has a good job. I love my new crossfit gym (with a tiny but manageable childcare!).

and then of course my mom sends me this and it just makes my day. 

and I know tomorrow will be better.

and since we already ate the remaining ice cream in this house, I am off to go binge watch some of The Good Place.

curtains and complicated feelings

I remember being pregnant with little d and lounging in the pool on mother's day weekend when a thought occurred to me: this was my first mother's day being a mom. I mean, he wasn't inside of me but I could feel him moving around, growing and stretching. Drew and I had an argument about what constituted a "mother" (he thought since I had not yet given birth that it was not, in fact, my first mother's day yet) and thus began a crazy 8 years of complicated feelings towards Mother's Day. All the Mother's days leading up to that time were full of fun memories planning with my sisters a big breakfast for my mom, buying presents and making drawings and coupon books, making dinner and cleaning the house... life was a lot simpler back then.

When I was working on some interior design issues for our new house, a funny memory came to me. I took an interior design class in high school and had to design and make some curtains for my bedroom for a project. At the time, I could have sworn that my mom LOVED those curtains, big draping floor length tulle. Looking back, she was probably just being nice but she never discouraged me. She was always supporting us even when we would cover her precious wallpapered walls with posters from TeenBeat, or when she let Sarah paint the basement EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW (the headaches I would get looking at those walls!) and it looked like a funhouse. My mom is pretty amazing and I need to be more like her. Loving, supportive, and a joy to be around.

I have been very lucky in my life. I have always had a wonderful relationship with my mom and I have been fortunate enough to birth 4 healthy children. But since that "first" mother's day, I have felt very deeply on this day the pain of the loved ones around me struggling with infertility, loss of a parent, strained relations, and this year especially, the deepening tragedy of not being the "best mom".

Two years ago the twins were only a few weeks old and it was my goal to make it back to church in time for Mother's day, mostly because it would mean getting myself and the babies out of the house. Drew got a new (very time intensive) calling that day, and I felt the need for confirmation (which I got) that it was the right move for our family. Last year Drew and I were in Costa Rica while the kids were split between my parents and inlaws here at home. It was nice to be away from the social pressure of motherhood last year, and I almost wish that we could have made the trip this year instead, because I definitely need it more this year than ever.

Motherhood has been overbearing, overwhelming, over-everything lately and I have not been doing a great job at it. This is not me being pessimistic, this is me being honest and real. I do not need or want any sympathy or reassurance, I just want to put it out here because I feel the need to balance the nauseating display of "mom of the year" instagrams. I have NOT been the best mom lately, because of one reason or another (moving excuses topping the list) and no better day of the year to feel terrible about that, especially when your 6 year old quotes you in the mother's day questionnaire as always saying "I'M SO MAD". Lovely.

Motherhood is hard. It is hard for people who yearn for it. It is hard for people who are in the midst of it and feeling like every move is the wrong move. It is hard for people who spend time looking back on it, wondering what they could have done better. And just about every mother's day I find myself wishing it wasn't a celebrated holiday.

Before church Drew made a comment as our kids were sitting in the car and I was gathering snacks for my birthday kids in my primary class, insinuating that I treat my 7/8 year olds better than I treat my own kids. And I hated him for it but he was right. I have a lot of work to do in the parenting department, and it is much easier to be nice to and parent a handful of kid when you only see them two hours a week and they are usually on their best behavior and are constantly talking about how much they adore you and don't ever want you to move and could you please buy a house here and stay their teacher forever?

But it's not my kids fault. It has been my attitude, and I realized as I chatted with my 7/8 year olds about a scripture story with brothers who were obedient and did what they were supposed to do but complained about it the whole way.... this was ME. I was going through the motions but dragging my feet and making everyone miserable along the way. Then I come home to find pictures Lan had taken and I see this and it clicks: I need to make a change. Yes my lot is hard and stressful but that does not mean I have to make my kids miserable in the process.

So today I am trying to focus on the tender mercies of the Lord in giving me children who remind me frequently to smile and laugh and not take myself so seriously. Because I desperately need it right now.

back to the grind after a much needed "staycation"

My house feels like a daily version of "where's kevin" (instead of Waldo, obviously) or I Spy.... I literally can spend all day picking up toys from the floor and it still looks like this at the end of the day. It's outrageous. Don't my kids know how to pick up after themselves? Obviously not.

I actually managed to not really skip a beat with my workouts over winter break

 which was good because there was a whole lot of cannot be missed food going down in my house... cinnamon rolls by Drew, truffles by Anna... etc etc. Amazing and worth it (it always is when someone you love homemakes it, right?) but now to get back to eating like a normal, non-breastfeeding or pregnant or marathon training person. Which is actually pretty boring. But boring is not a terrible thing.

 With a slew of new christmas notebooks and coloring utensils (hooray for art major mommy to save the day with the stockings daddy forgot to fill till christmas eve!), Little A has a newfound love of "princess preschool" which involves her spelling her name and those of others she knows. She is getting better and it is nice to have words to accompany all those cute drawings!

 My cousin Liesen had a sweet little A of her own on Christmas eve, and we got to visit with her (sans twinners thanks to DK and my parents) for a bit when she was a week old. I kept reminding the big kids to be careful and are they sure they can hold a baby till little d kindly reminded me that they've been holding babies for the last two years, and for my little A, nearly half her life (!!) at this point. Whoops. Well, they were naturals and while they initially protested seeing this new babe, she was all they could talk about for the next day! So cute and so little and so sweet!

 Little d wanted a hundred million pictures of him and his little second cousin... he had to settle for 2!

 Sunday shenanigans... it was much easier to load up the car before they learned to spring like maniacs... Ergo-ing one while loading the other if I don't have someone else with me is now a necessity. Also, those poses by little d... classic!

 you mean that happy child? :)

 This past Sunday marked little A's first real foray into cooking with mom. We made corn chowder (that everyone hated but me because all the veggies!) but at least I have a good carrot peeling helper and no longer need to buy those gross baby carrots. So she peels and I chop! We are quite a good team.

 In her new apron, that we got to match Auntie Anna's... teaching her about kitchen safety with heat and how to properly use the egg timer that every kid in this house is now obsessed with (thanks, Cristin!)

 Both big kids tried their hand at snap circuits... it was a little set but it is super fun and simple enough that I could guide little A through it! We will be getting more of them later this year for sure.

 Because Drew had the day off work on Monday, I got to come over and baby sit my little "almost" niece, and gosh was she perfect. One little bird chirp to notify me she was awake and wanted to be held, she started eating her hands when she was hungry, ate like a champ (but not too fast!) and managed to fall asleep on me without first spitting up or blowing out. It was like the best parts of being a mom (but to a perfect, dream baby who rarely fusses, or didn't when I was there for 3 hours!)

 Definitely left the visit feeling like I was on cloud nine... it is definitely challenging to have a new baby, but I think after going through it a few times I am able to better enjoy it when I know I can come home to my crazy bunch for the rest of the day and get a full night's sleep at the end of it!

 Most people I know are babies people... they looooove babies. Me? I LOOOVE that toddler stage.. a few words to communicate, loads of kisses and hugs, lots of exploring and running around. It beats any baby stage by a longshot! (If only they could manage to get in less trouble....)

 two seconds into the above picture, Lan faceplanted in the cement. Don't know how he managed that. a few moments after the below picture they were both running their fingers along the wheels and I remembered why I didn't like the wagon compared to the stroller. Gah.

 How we look on the way to the gym each morning. Lan in back, Lo in front, A to the side and me carrying my gym duffel and purse/diaper bag (as in, my purse has diapers and wipes and a kids waterbottle in it at all times). No wonder people think I'm nuts.

 Both of these were the afternoon/evening of the last day before break... obviously my hands are full most days but that day was particularly rediculous. Especially meal prepping with Lan who obviously saw me sneaking some of Drew's chocolate chip cookies and was not happy about it (or his molars coming in!)

 Cristin is amazing (but anyone who has read my blog already knows that!) and got me the shirt on the left... when she told me JCP was having a sale I went ahead and got two more, including the one on the right (the other one says I AM ALWAYS RUNNING LATE... I am tempted to add BECAUSE BABIES). Love the length and the fit and how warm they are!

 We have made it almost all the way through the alphabet!! Then we will have to start over again because she still has trouble remembering how to write most letters. But I think we will work our way backwards this time (S for Stamp)

 This winter break has been a terrific renewal in too many ways to count. I was really concerned about my relationship with little d which was going downhill fast. We remedied that the last few weeks and I am hopeful that we will continue to build on what we have (and I will choose to be less critical about the things he doesn't do and more grateful for all the things he does!). I was able to do a lot of reading and sleeping and playing with the kids and reflecting on the last year and planning for the upcoming one and overall, it was exactly what I needed.

 And yes I got schooled in Bowling by my 6 year old but he had bumpers and I did not!

 Lucky mama!

Since Drew and I rarely use cash for anything (we get money back on our credit cards and it is easier to track spending) and I have been worried for awhile about little d's financial education (he recently requested a lego set that was $75 and said  It's not like it's THAT much money!), I took advantage of our date to relay some financial information to him. We talked about tithing, necessities, "special extras" (like this date), savings, education as it relates to money making, banking, credit cards, and making money. We covered a lot but it was a good conversation with lots of questions so I felt like he knew what was going on. He also complained to me that I never spend money on anything when we go out except for clothes and groceries and stuff like that and I let him know that was a compliment to me, because I wanted him to know that that sort of thing was what we needed  to be spending money on, so we could save for our next home and for emergencies "like the next time you have an accident with another car!" as he said (haha....facepalm). But yes.

Not going anywhere for break was one of the best things for our family this year. It was a low key couple of weeks, we all got our batteries recharged, and while parenting is not by any means easier than it was a few weeks ago, I am better managing it, along with some of our family resolutions (more on that later).

trying to feel unguilty on a couple of different levels.

Things have been really good lately. We are getting into a good swing of things with mealtime (at last!) and figuring out how to keep food on plates and in tummies instead of all over my floor. Still messy but I think the boys love being on the same level as the rest of the family (and I cannot blame them!). Lan has a little booster now (not in this picture, haha), and Lo is still happy to rotate sitting on his bum, standing and walking around eating (it's how he stays so skinny!). And can I just say how much I love my new table?? Again, another really good friend sold it to me since she was moving and another round of incredible friends and neighbors graciously agreed to help me get the table and chairs (and a few other bits of furniture) while I watched their kids since Drew was obviously not around.

 ah.... only took me 10 years to get the table of my dreams, that will hopefully last us the next 15-20 years! It is a total gamechanger (and hides the dirt well too...ha!)

pretty pretty.... princes!

and the prettiest princess obviously. she cleans me out every time! and she can barely count! winner winner chicken dinner

okay onto the guilt part of this. I get this every time Drew goes out of town. There always seems to be some sort of amazing spirit when I just have the focus on the well being of the kids. Literally all day every day they get my mostly undivided attention and for the most part they behave better than they ever do when daddy is home because there is no one else aside from each other (and occasionally a neighbor) that is competing for my attention. I love them very deeply and definitely lean on them heavily when Drew is out of town because filling my life with them helps the hole I feel when he is gone.

Then when he is around, obviously we are catching up, socializing on a regular basis and the kids notice a shift... and they don't like being ignored!

My kids are an enormous JOY in my life. But it continues to be hard to balance the traveling dad with the dad that is around and when he around I want him to be completely immersed in my life in a way that he is just not present when he is physically gone. Does that even make sense? I am EXTREMELY blessed, I realize that. But I would be remiss if I did not say that the last 5 years with Dealersocket have been....trying on our relationship. The travel is definitely the biggest obstacle, and one that we have dealt with happily because Drew believes in the company and obviously we are happy that Drew has a job (that means that I do not have to!). And when I think about the meager salary that I made at the high school, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for how much Drew is able to make for our family (to afford us a comfortable life where I am able to have the luxury of heating, air conditioning, clothing for all four of our kids, healthy food and some treats, cars that run, toys to play with... I could go on for ages!).

I know the next six months will be a little bit (!!!) crazy but I welcome this transition into the next phase of our lives with open arms and a smile because it means by the time little d turns 7 years old, his daddy will be going to an office job where he is home every night to tuck him into bed (something that he has not predictably had since he was 18 months old!). While it will be hard to say goodbye to our friends and family here in Ohio, this will be good for us, and we will continue to learn from our past experiences and be grateful for everything we have experienced and everything we have ahead of us. More on all that Friday.

general conference weekend and traditions

mostly food (homemade cafe rio and crepes) but also little activities and getting outside!

 After all the activities I put together, the morning conferences while the babies were napping I could at least hear what was going on but the afternoon sessions... a circus. With maybe 5 minutes I could listen to while they were eating or snacking. As usual, m&m bingo was the most popular choice.

 and amish made cinnamon rolls.

 also what I like to call the "holiday apocalypse" when we brought out the decor. biggest mess ever.

 my littlest kardashian biking around the block

 the conference board I worked on for hours was really only used with little d for the priesthood session since the other kids were sleeping and he was the only one to properly use it.

 first time trying crepes! Predictably, Lo took out all the fruit to eat and Lan licked off the nutella.

 perfectly delicious cool weather this morning!

 yelling at the birds.

 so so handsome! love that minion boy.

 "TEEEEEEEES!"

 LOVE THAT LITTLEST FACE!

(the 3.2 minutes where I could listen to afternoon conference with all the kids. sigh. someday.)