reflecting on my 3rd whole30 and some diastasis recti frustrations (nearly 3 years later and I'm still as "all belly" as I ever was while pregnant)

So about that Whole30.... it was perfect. It felt easy most days with a couple of friends doing it alongside me and these yummy Fast and Easy recipes I was loving. A perfect 35-ish days of Whole30 eating and honestly I felt so good and I was in such a GOOD funk I didn't even realize it... until I fell off the Whole30 train hard on Superbowl weekend and realized how tired, swollen and gross I felt when I got OFF Whole30.

So most of Feburary I have spent struggling to find motivation for much of anything. I didn't want to blog about Whole30, I didn't want to wake up early or go to bed at a decent hour, I didn't feel like reading any of the half dozen books I am working on, I had no motivation to paint or draw or make meals anymore, I didn't even want to work out (which is an all time low for me!). I effectively hit a post-whole30 black hole and here's the issue: I LOVE the way I ate (the meals were SO GOOD!) and felt on Whole30. But my kids hated it (AKA every meal I made was met with disgust), my husband was supportive but relieved when I was done with it, and taking sugar out of everything is SO STINKING EXPENSIVE. ($8 bacon...as in, $8 for like 10 slices but it was made without sugar!! Madness!). I was really, REALLY hoping that doing a Whole30 would be the springboard I could use to put me on the path back to health I never fully found after having the twins.

I did lose a couple of pounds I needed to lose in January. I lost a little bit of body fat. But then I looked back on weight and measurements I had taken this time last year and I was THE SAME Literally. To the 1/10th of a pound and to the inch, exactly. Which was a hard hit. What was all this work and prepping and everything for if it wasn't making a difference? I had even been doing my Mutu workouts for a month solid, never missing a day, getting weekly PT massages to help my mess of a midsection and I still looked 5 months pregnant. I threw away all my heels. I got all zero-drop/minimalist shoes. I stopped running (because it was putting a lot of pressure on my DR). I varied my workouts, tried crossfit for 6 months (which made it worse), I changed my diet and I saw ZERO results. I am back to where I was a year ago, which was not a great place to be at. So where do I go from here? Am I seriously destined to live the rest of my life with people telling me how great I look to be pregnant with #5?? I have been doing the same MUTU workouts for 2.5 years and I still can't get past week 2 because my Gap won't close up smaller than a "2". I have read more articles and done more research on Diastasis Recti than I have for all papers I have ever written, combined, in both high school and college.

I still cannot believe the twins will be 3 years old in two months. I am happy and excited to be entering this new stage of life that doesn't involve baby things, where we are so close (with Lan at least!) to going without diapers, and can manage without naps if we need to. But I am terribly disappointed in my body and how far behind I feel in relation to the twins age. I work so hard in the gym, on the "proper" core exercises, and while I do not always eat perfectly, I did for a month and observed basically no change in my body (aside from an initial deflation of the bloating/pregnant looking belly).

I'm not looking for a pity party or a quick fix... I am just grateful I have this space where I can finally put down all the feelings that have been building up inside of me for years. Frustrated and disappointed when I have been trying to hard to be grateful and proud. But I will not stop working hard. I will not give up. This is only a small moment in time, and hopefully, God willing, I can look at this post in my newsfeed in a year or two or 5 and recognize and really appreciate the change that will have happened to my body. Because I haven't found the right fix for it yet. But I will.

I will.

postpartum resurfacing

As I write this, the twins are happily playing legos post-breakfast for the 4th day in a row.

My parents are in town so I got to sneak away this morning with Drew to the Field House Fitness class he usually goes to at 6am. I had set everything up for little d last night so he was able to be woken up by my dad, dressed, ate breakfast and even got in some cartoons before we came home to say goodbye to him before he left for the bus. Drew and I got to eat breakfast together (sitting!) and I couldn't help but marvel at how different things are then they were a year, and especially two years ago (when I was just about losing my mind on the daily with all the baby-ness).

Usually our mornings are a bit more rushed, when Drew gets home we send off little d and then I leave right after for the gym but going a little later makes for really nice lazy mornings like this that I haven't had in awhile (it should be noted that it is almost 9am and little A is still sleeping). The twins are taking turns taking the Lego guys and making a tower of them, and then lining them up on a lego car. They entertain themselves in ways I had only previously heard about from friends and it is amazing.

I love that Drew and I both make time to workout and that sometimes we get to do it together, especially that it is something Drew really does like. I love that he wakes up early in the morning which helps me get up before the kids and get started with my day, I love that it encourages us to go to bed at a good time and I think that we have had the best, most consistent sleep of our entire marriage since moving back to Utah (or at least I can say that for myself because I don't have schoolwork or babies to keep me up so late!). I'm committing myself to entering two art shows this weekend, and Drew and I are taking a cooking class on Saturday since while my parents leave that morning, my inlaws are in town for another week or so. "Blessed" doesn't begin to describe how I feel right now.

The twins at this age can be a little chaotic when we go out but at home for the most part when its just us, they are pretty stinking awesome. Two is my favorite age. They are much more agreeable than 7 or 4 year olds and easier to bribe ;) Less reasonable, certainly, but easily distracted and entertained. I am still trying to figure out my relationship and how to better it with the older two, but with the babies it feels effortless and I have to say, after two of the hardest, craziest, most difficult years of my life that the twins have given me, it is a relief to feel like I'm getting a break with them. Sure they are still clingy and usually want me to put them to bed at night, don't always play nice with others and throw raging uncontrollable tantrums, but on the whole I feel for the moment in a really good place with the twins. We are finding our way to a new normal and I can feel myself resurfacing after feeling "head just barely above water" for longer than I care to remember.

My body still weighs more than I did right after having the twins (wuh-wah), but it feels stronger. My mind feels sharper and I'm learning, questioning, researching, sketching, painting, reading, etc again. Little things I would have never truly appreciated before having kids. And it feels really really good,

it's going down for real

A few days ago I stepped on the scale for the first time in ages. I weighed about as much as I felt, so no regrets about going without the scale for awhile. But I did feel a strong urgency to DO SOMETHING. Obviously just working out a few times a week was not going to undo all the junk food eating I have been doing.

So it was by happy circumstance that a friend of mine who is a personal trainer and instructor was giving out some nutrition information(for $30), specifically for my current weight in Macros (which I had heard about but had no idea where to start with, I just knew that most people were turning to that and away from calorie counting) which sounded like a better idea than what I had been doing...trying to eat healthy two meals a day and then it all slowly collides into a chocolate and whatever the kids didn't eat for dinner filled day. I wanted to get back into structure, but structure that still allowed for occasional treats, just one that maybe involved a bit of planning on my part.

Then I signed up for myfitnesspal premium, since I knew I did not like the format of the original free version, I would try out the one where I could track my macros and see if I liked it. I got my Macros Goals set up (Saturday October 22, 2016) and in the wee hours of the morning planned out my day. Just like when I do fitbit challenges (which I have been doing for a year next month!) I was going to treat this like a game. And for $10 for a month, it would be an expensive game but hopefully one that I would only have to play for a few months before I could get the hang of doing it solo.

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(Dec 26, 2016)
Was that really over two months ago? The problem unfortunately did not lie in the tracking the night before... it was in the follow through. Because trying to cram 5 mini meals into a day was almost an impossible task and by 4pm my body would be in full FEED ME ANYTHING FAST mode and end up in whatever treats lay at the kid's shelf in the pantry. So for over two months I have either planned and failed or failed to plan (and then ultimately failed). The only reason why I keep going to the gym is because it is an ingrained habit... I don't know what to do otherwise (?). So I've been continuing to go as often as kids illnesses allow (November was not my best month for that), and I've gained at least an additional 5 pounds to what I was two months ago. I'm starting again tomorrow to use MFP (but not the premium because it wasn't worth it) to plan out my macros like I have done more often than not in the past few weeks. It seems like a LOT of food, but of course when I replace it with processed things, the macros go out the window super fast.

I no longer want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. It (thinking about how pregnant I look when I am not, thinking about how I need/deserve/use treats as an escape because who cares?!) is consuming me and all I think about. I want to plan out my day the night before and then brainlessly and unquestionably (like I do with working out) go through the motions and just DO IT. It has been affecting the way I feel about and interact with my family and that has got to STOP.

20 MINUTES is my new mantra. I used to use it while working out. Obviously I work out more than that now, but in the beginning in college, that was my starting point. 20 minutes to forget about whatever frustrates me and really try to let that negative energy go before it turns me into a chocolate monster which turns into an all out binge. This is not easy and unfortunately it has been cyclical through a lot of my life. Low points being in middle school, middle of high school, junior year in college (post-marriage), at varying points with each postpartum period (but was quickly corrected with breastfeeding and then prepping for the next pregnancy as motivation), but this experience has felt the lowest and the longest.

I didn't feel any accountability with the earlier part of this post (back in October) because I was the only one who knew it was hiding in my drafts folder in this blog. I was hoping to wait until I was a success story (I lost the weight! Let me post about the whole story now!) but the fact is, the more accountable I feel, the more likely I am to succeed. And maybe less people will be offended when I end up tossing any treats that come into this house into the garbage.

This sucks. It's hard. But I finally feel like I have gathered my motivation to push myself back into the land of the living, and living joyfully. I can only truly love others (and be REALLY completely happy) when I learn to fully love myself and I am ready (yes, even before New Years and even on a Tuesday) to start.

Let's do this.

my last run (indefinitely) and joining the barefoot movement

I have a confession to make. Back in May when Drew and I took a much needed 10 year anniversary trip to Costa Rica, I ran. Every day. Up to an hour each day because it had been AGES since I had been able to run and I had the time to do it outside and the weather was amazing and the sun woke me up between 5-6am and... why not?

Prior to this trip I could probably count on one hand how many miles I have run in TOTAL since giving birth to the twins last year. It was a terrible idea, and one that messed me up for the next month, forcing me to be within reasonable distance from a bathroom at ALL times. It was terrible, It felt like I had JUST given birth (and was a good reminder why I cannot have more children), I felt betrayed by my body, a body I had willingly sacrificed for growing and breastfeeding 4 beautiful children and while I could handle the deflation and loss of my most feminine parts, not being able to run again, was it worth it? I struggled with this for what felt like an eternity (although it was only a few weeks) but thankfully after that time I returned to "normal" and haven't dared to go for a run. Until today.

I've been Mutu-ing like I should for the last two weeks pretty solidly, so I figured, ONE easy mile should be fine, right?

WRONG.

And it should be noted (in case my sisters read this), I had NO problems running after little d or after little a. It has only been since the twins. I don't want to say I will NEVER run again, because I really truly cannot wrap my brain around never getting to run a 5k, much less a half marathon again. But 2017 will not, in fact be the year I focus on running. I will continue to focus on rebuilding my core, which again turns us back to Mutu.

In the Mutu program (which I purchased last year, and no they don't pay me to endorse them. yet!), one of the things they encourage you to do is to go completely barefoot...walking, shoes, etc. No more heels. And to that, I initially said, sure, I only wear high heeled shoes on sundays, no big deal. But the more time I spent on my feet barefoot at home and then would wear heels for even just those three hours a week... I would be in so much pain for the rest of the day that over the course of the last few months and especially the last few weeks my amazing collection of beautiful shoes has been whittled down to a single pair of church shoes (the closest and most comfortable pair of black flats I could ever find, on their last legs but I will wear them into the ground!), a pair of running shoes I may as well give to one of my sisters at this point, and also these new guys:

the Vivos definitely took some getting used to... the first few days of using them I was sore in places of my legs that I have never really been in my life but the longer I have been wearing them (two weeks today!) the less of a difference I feel between when I do and do not have shoes on.

Just over two weeks ago I started to feel some pretty serious pain, which after a visit to a podiatrist he attributed to my bunions and a toe that would need to be shortened surgically someday (both of which I plan to hold off indefinitely on, since they are expensive surgeries that would require a long time off my feet) and he felt my only option was to purchase expensive orthotics that would essentially do the same to my feet as a belly binder/corset would to my stomach at this point in life... it would not just be putting a band-aid on the problem, it would also weaken what is already a weak area (I have very little arches in my feet and very little abdominal muscle in my belly). So I figured if I felt like Mutu has been the best option, I would continue to do what made sense to me. I purchased these shoes the next day, gave away my remaining heeled shoes (keeping one pair of rainboots until I can find some that are barefoot) and haven't looked back. And my feet have not since hurt in the way it did so frequently while I was pregnant with the twins, or more recently before my foot doctor visit.

It isn't easy to feel like you are working so hard to attain something that seems so unattainable. Maybe the only way my stomach will be flat or my feet will never feel pain will be with surgery. But until I reach that point where I feel like I have exhausted every believable option that I can do on my own, I won't quit trying.

WARNING: this post is not what you think it is.

Nope, not a pregnancy announcement. NOT.

 Just me, heartily in the midst of my diastasis and 17 months postpartum with twins with a "relaxed" belly. Something I don't do often enough (because I am vain) so I usually spend most of my day tucking everything in like so: (second picture taken about 3 seconds after the first)

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That was a month ago. And honestly, it was also a year ago (although I will admit I AM much stronger and well rested than I was a year ago!) and it's also how I look and feel now.

a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine offered a deal where you sent her some information about yourself and could get a Macro count. Every time I try to "eat better" I end up counting calories, which I hate. Because I am short and I am not massively overweight, most formulas have me eating 1200 calories a day (which is the minimal most people are ever supposed to eat. depressing right? also I eat way more than that and while I have not lost weight, I also have not gained weight either, so, for whatever that's worth). So I got interested in Macro counting, where you keep track instead of calories, of the grams of protein, carbs, and fats in your diet. Which sounds like a lot of work but once she gave me my count, it turned into a game (sort of like the fitbit was for me, and still is, a year ago). I got the premium version of MFP for a month, and every night I would plug in what I would eat the next day, playing with amounts and different foods until I tweaked it just right to hit my macros. Because I am not awesome at the nutrition aspect of my life (and because it's usually a lot easier to shovel down a handful of crackers when I am hungry instead of searching for something with more nutritional value), there's been a lot I have had to adjust from what I had planned the day before. Sometimes I hit my goals, but more often than not, for the last 3 weeks, I have not.

BUT.

I am still tracking what I eat (which is hard and also a bit embarrassing), and owning up to it. My mindset of "I ate xyz now I just have to eat everything else I can find" has changed. I have a clearer picture of why I have looked much the same way for the last year despite being consistent with my workouts... but to be honest, that's because the workout is the easiest part. It's never been negotiable (unless I or the kids are sick), and it takes up such a small part of my day and then it's over. The food part is... MUCH harder, mostly due to the fact that as much as I would like to eat a few small meals over the course of the day, I usually go WAY too long without food and then eat everything the moment those kids are taking naps or in bed (have YOU ever had to try to eat when 4 small children are standing in their booster seats and throwing food and spilling drinks on purpose? It is CRAZY!). Like everything else in my life, I am obviously trying (although I need to be trying harder). I am a work in progress, and while I have no experience in nutrition education (other that what I read about), I am learning a lot along the way.

Like my whole post-workout protein powder debacle last year, where I begged my friends to tell me what was the best to try. One of our friends in Utah actually sent me some sort of Brownie flavored one and of the dozen or so that I tried, it was THE BEST. and I will have to remember what brand it was when we go out there.... Anyway, most protein powders are weird and smell and taste funny (aside from the one I mentioned, that I easily had with just water and it was like drinking a brownie, I kid you not!), so I have been searching for and trying alternatives for that post-workout time.

Obviously, my first choice goes to that Brownie protein powder, since I could put it in my blenderbottle and then add water right after a workout. Fast. Easy. The only other alternatives I found were making Lara-bar knockoffs (lots of nuts and dried fruit) or trail mixes but they never had enough protein for me (and I read that too much fat blocks absorption of protein post workout?). Since I ran out of that, I just focus on getting water after a workout and settle for grabbing something at home as soon as we get back from the gym. Which is usually close enough to my kids lunchtime (11) so I eat a lighter lunch. Then about two hours later (when I am starving again), my go-to has been this amazing combo of Okios Zero (15g of protein) and hemp hearts. I first heard about HH from michelle and figured I would give it a try since while it did have 10 grams of fat, it also had a whopping 10g of protein in 3 tablespoons! It gives me the crunchiness I need in my yogurt (I have never been a huge fan of granola but I have a hard time eating just straight up yogurt...texture issues residual from the last pregnancy I guess!) and while it doesn't have the best smell (it smells like grass to be honest), it doesn't mess up the flavor of the greek yogurt and even my kids like it.

I know I posted this earlier this week, but I feel like it's worth posting again (mostly to combat the pregnant-looking belly picture) because THIS is how I feel most of the time: strong. empowered. The other day little a asked me to move something I would not possibly be able to do on my own (new kitchen table) and when I told her I would need someone to help me, she replied with, "No you don't. You can do it! You're a big strong mommy with your big muscles like GRRR!" and proceeded to flex. I don't think I have ever felt more proud of myself or the example I am trying to set for my daughter, that being strong and capable is more important than trying to fit into your favorite pair of pre-baby jeans. But that doesn't mean I give up on the jeans dream!

 The thing is, I am CRAZY blessed and I know it. While I have not so awesome reminders of motherhood with the scars and extra skin and baby weight, I also have the overwhelming, every minute of the day reminders (4 of them actually) of what this body created, which I would have never imagined it could do. I gave life to 4 incredible children and it is my job as their mother to take care of myself so that I can live a long happy healthy life with them and continue to do all the active things that I love doing with them. I am still trying to learn moderation but I hope that in the next few years as my kids become more aware of their food choices they learn to love not just the yummy treats we have for movie night but also the delicious good for you foods that make you feel good and give you energy. That's what I want for my kids. To be a foodie like their mama, but be able to keep it balanced. And as in anything, as I teach it on a daily basis, I am learning far more about it (and myself) than they ever will.

Here's to getting on the road to finishing out 2016 happier and healthier than we started!

My first (and hopefully only) WHOLE30 is OVER!! What I learned about myself and Results!

I still can't believe it is OVER. Well, as of the end of today it will be. I even bought a pint of ice cream to celebrate. That I will be sharing with my husband and kids for supporting me in this endeavor (even though I am sure the kids are still oblivious as usual) maybe in a week? I am still not sure when but it will be planned.

It was hard, it was easy, it was everything in-between but the only thing that matters now is that it is over and I learned so much about myself from it:

1. I do not need bread (chocolate, cheese) to survive.
2. I do not need dessert every day (that one shocked me too!) and I actually feel better going to bed (and sleep better!) when I don't eat after dinner.
3. I do not need to eat stuff that makes me feel bad/gross/etc if I don't like it...case in point:
boxed macaroni and cheese, cow's milk, gogurts, top ramen, cereal, generic ice cream or cookies that are really not that good to begin with, etc. All of these things are in my home and the rest of my family loves them and before the whole30 I felt like a traitor for not joining in on eating that stuff but not anymore!! I will ONLY eat food I actually WANT to eat. JUST SAY NO.
4. I do not need to use food to manage my frustrations. A large glass of water will usually calm me down and keep me more level headed. That, and escaping into the (locked) bathroom so I can take some deep breaths.
5. I don't have to count calories to lose weight (I have been trying, and failing, at that for the last three months before my whole30 and it was just met with frustration, see #4).
6. SUGAR. IS. IN. EVERYTHING. The key is to focus on eating enough stuff that DOESN'T have sugar put into it that it balances out the stuff where they sneakily add sugar to it (I'm looking at you, my favorite deli turkey with honey mustard!). Also not having dessert on the daily (seriously, like ever since I got pregnant with little d I think I have had some form of treat every. single. day.).
7. Living with so many (predictable) restrictions was, in fact, quite freeing. I wasn't debating about should I/shouldn't I with everything and meal planning for myself came much easier.
8. NUMBERS DON'T MATTER. Not on the scale, not in food....learning to reset my mind so that I eat what I want and really listen to my body has been key.
9. Whole30 is not a diet, it is a lifestyle change, one that start for me tomorrow, as I see what foods give me trouble and that I need to avoid completely or minimize in my life. I know that living without sugar (except for fruit) has really helped me feel better and more like "myself" than I have in YEARS.
10. No whole30 is 100% perfect and mine was far from that. But it WAS compliant and gave me the results I wanted, especially psychologically.

And the RESULTS!!
1. I have more ENERGY!!! I don't NEED to take a nap every day when I out the kids to nap! I mean, I still do sometimes, but because I want to, not because I will not survive without one.
2. I feel A. MA. ZING. My self esteem has suffered SO much since giving birth to the twins, and honestly, it has been incredible to go to bed feeling just as good as I do when I first wake up in the morning.
3. I feel like a (post-partum) fog has lifted. My head is clear, I am getting things done, I enjoy my kids so much more... is this what it feels like not to be a zombie!? It was not as hard as I was expecting, but I also don't usually drink anything but water, and I am pretty open to a wide variety of vegetables (which is pretty necessary because you will be eating A LOT).
4. My hands are not perfect BUT they ARE improving for the better... and I will continue trying to eat mostly whole30 (with a few delicous, well worth it exceptions) as long as I can.

5. I did lose weight but I think that's negligible... I mean, I can fluctuate 5 pounds in a day and I wasn't looking to lose weight so much as I was looking to FEEL better. BUT. That being said, I have been going to the gym and not seeing the results (or they have been super slow to come) for a few months and turns out that tweaking my diet a bit was enough to do the trick!
6. It helped me realize what a "closeted junk eater" I was. The kids made me upset, I would literally hide in the pantry with the bags of fruit snacks, chocolate chips, or other "no brakes" food. I know that I can't do that to my body anymore because it has taken a beating from years of doing just that. If I am going to have something delicious and worth splurging over, it is not going to be shoveled into my mouth with a plastic ikea spoon over the kitchen sink. If I am going to have some toffee chocolate chip ice cream, it is going to be savored while all the kids are in bed or away from me and where I can actually enjoy it.
7. I don't need to chew gum/eat mints more often... I do need to keep a toothbrush around at all times.
8. The only part about this that I REALLY disliked is the 3 big meals a day and no snacks (Also the recommendation I broke the most). I do not like 3 big meals a day, I am excited to go back to eating smaller amounts at meatime and eating a few more times a day.
9. I made maybe two things the whole month that I REALLY needed a recipe for. Everything else was just fresh, roasted, grilled, etc., nothing too fancy, which I would definitely recommend.
10. I have tamed my "sugar dragon", mostly through the use of logic. I am sure I would have much more willpower to tame it if I had not eaten so much fruit (but, again, peak of summer!!). I am getting better/more skilled at thinking through the WHY of what I am wanting to eat. Also this is super helpful: source

Would I recommend it or do it all again myself? In a heartbeat. I would probably eat less Lara Bars and fruit (my go-to snacks) and try to prep a little better but what is life without a little Graeter's or a fun date night out to dinner to split a delicious meal with my husband? While I think it has been more difficult for the people around me (ie, Drew), I have learned so much about myself that I know I would not have learned in any other way. It was challenging, rewarding, frustrating, and revealing. It has changed the way I parent and shop and meal plan and everything. Tomorrow starts the 10 day reintroduction (1 day to reintroduce one of the off limits foods: legumes, dairy, wheat,etc with a day or two in between of "relaxed whole30 eating") to see how it makes me feel as I gradually bring all the old foods back into my diet, and decide which ones cause me more grief than they are worth.

 My gym has this cool 4-d measuring camera, where you can step onto this thing and it captures a 4-d image of your body and you can compare it (I do it monthly). While it has fluctuated since I started it back in March, this past month I have seen the MOST results, especially in my stomach an inch and a half in a month!!! That is HUGE for me... since I swear my belly has been the same circumference ("dangerously high" hip to waist ratio, as I am told by the lovely computer). So many good changes (both pictures are me standing in a relaxed state, without sucking in my stomach).

and as a final sidenote, without having done this whole30 I would NOT have been brave enough to try on some of the outfits I tried on last weekend... I have been so psychologically scarred by my BELLY over the last year that I failed to notice other parts of my body that were responding well to my regular workout routine. So naturally, once my stomach started feeling back to "normal" (whatever that is? also patterns seem to be helping for distraction) I was able to notice parts about my body that I am really proud of (back! Shoulders! legs!! booty!! All those squats are finally paying off!!)

 Pants I did end up buying, a shirt I wish I did (can't get enough of mustard yellow!) and a swimsuit I didn't get because like all swimsuits lately, if they actually fit "up top", they are usually too small everywhere else. Boo.

Now to plan/prep my lentil soup for tomorrow and some cheeseburgers for Friday!

why whole30 (postpartum, round 3)

Every time I buckle or unbuckle a child from their carseat/high chair/stroller, I have to worry about not getting blood on them. Every time I change a diaper I wince as the open layers of my skin come into contact with and get caught on baby velcro, wipes, buttons or snaps (the bane of my existence!).

Every time I type on a computer and on my phone I have to be careful to only move my fingers in such a way that I don't aggravate any new cuts or reopen any old ones.

I have been to a dermatologist now twice to get the same answer of "you have that amazing $300 hand cream steroid, it should be working if you are using it the right way." I am and it is not.

Three pregnancies I have had no problems, then three postpartum periods and every one leaves me looking like this for upwards of a year of more (and this is on a good day!). I used everything I could think of before I even made it to the dermatologist: olive oil, coconut oil, working man's, not washing my hands at all (which just ended up being super gross), unscented body wash, not washing my hair as often (and when I do it is with the palms of my hands), changing the soaps I use, using gloves when I clean or do dishes, wearing gloves at night with whatever lotion I have, applying lotion throughout the day (not easy, but doable), extra vitamins, biotin, etc.

I am fed up. And while I have made minor tweaks to my diet (mostly due to postpartum issues: I don't drink cow's milk, I don't like the texture of pasta, etc), I realized after I was considering phototherapy (concentrated UVA rays on my hands) that I had not truly exhausted ALL my resources....yet! A friend reminded me that when I had gone whole30 two years ago for only 10 days, it really did help out (and my hands are much worse this time around!) enough that I was able to go back to eating regularly (and then I got pregnant, which is ultimately what I believe help cleared it up, as it did every time I got pregnant.... which will not be happening this time around!).

My hands suck. I have chunks of it coming off and since modern science has done NOTHING for me so far, I am taking things into my own hands (pun intended). So long beloved bread, cheese and chocolate...for 30 days at least. I know I can do this and I know I NEED to do this if I am going to survive the dryness of utah in just over a month, not to mention the upcoming winter season (since summertime is SUPPOSED to be when my hands are at their "best" with all the moisture and heat it is surrounded by!), the latter of which I am currently terrified for. It is only 30 days, and then I can slowly start to add in my beloved "top 3" and hopefully figure out which of the 3 (if it is one of them!) is the reason why my hands are fighting against me. I plan on slightly adjusting my family's eating so that I won't be eating stuff completely different than they do, but it will be tricky. It was hard to do with 2 kids, 4 is...well at least twice as hard. It will take more planning than I have been able to do before today but there are also so many more resources out there that I can take advantage of. So here goes nothing.

So help me.

First unofficial post twins 5k

The young women in our church had a 5k fundraiser/carnival/bake sale this morning and it was a great way to break the mental "I don't think I can race anymore" barrier I've had since having the twins.

 It was super low key and the first race I've run where my family wasn't at the finish because they had a simultanous 1.5 mile fun walk/run, and Drew had the boys in the stroller. But everyone had a good time and I ran the 2.89 miles in 22:48 so it's safe to say that I would have killed it in a 5k in under 25 minutes (which is usually a PR for me). 

8 minute miles for the win. Also to prove I am terribly out of (cardio) shape, notice that most of my run was in the "peak" level, when it's supposed to be in the cardio section (and it was for 4 minutes).

Regardless it was a fun way to kick off the summer! And my first postpartum race is in the books! Phew.

Came home, napped everyone (even the big kids!!) and got a much needed nap myself. Then tonight drew and I got to go on a double date for the first time in forever (and after only 6 months of planning) with the Laugheads, which was wonderful and even more so to come home to a clean house, and not have to do the bedtime routine because everyone was in bed. 

My siblings and parents are amazing and the best babysitters and cleaners and I am just so lucky to have them nearby.... I should probably add that we still have a good 6 years till we can legally leave our kids in little D's care so we can't move until then ;)

One year postpartum with twins

Fair warning: this is a post dedicated primarily to my post baby belly. With pictures.

One year ago today (April 23), I looked down at my middle, took a selfie and totally freaked out.

There are no babies or placentas in there... So what the heck was causing those crazy lumps?!?!

I asked multiple nurses and they all had the same answer:

Your intestines. And your abdominal muscles (or what's left of them).

EX-QUEEZE ME?!?!

It felt like some sort of a joke. Sure I had had twin babies 3 days before but I was expecting a rounded bloated pregnant looking belly and THIS DID NOT LOOK REMOTELY NORMAL!!

To say I was in complete shock was the understatement of the century. So here I am in all my postpartum glory, 8 days after the twins were born, complete with surgical tape I was still or brave enough to remove (in case those crazy intestines fell out duh!), and of course my bruised veins:

I was crazy itchy all over my midsection for a solid couple of weeks after I gave birth, had some crazy belly overhang and NO CORE MUSCLES WHATSOEVER.

Thankfully because of the crazy looking first picture (and that's exactly how my belly looked for MONTHS when I would lay down), I quickly realized (with no help from my ob) that I had some severe abdominal separation, or diastasis recti. I did loads of research on it and finally settled on a program called mutu system, $100 for some nutrition advice, gentle core exercises, a workout plan and workout tips and videos. Easily the best money I've ever spent on myself, especially since there were other things wrong as well (which I will candidly talk about... If you know me in real life. But it's pretty traumatic and plays a huge part into why I decided we are done with four kids). I learned to measure my abdominal "gap", where I could fit an entire hand in the cavity of my abdomen, I still shudder when I think about how deep and wide I could feel pressing into my belly button and how horrible it made me feel. I thought I would never recover from that.

3 months postpartum (laying down): no more lumps!!! Just one giant dome and soooo much extra super itchy skin

And here I am at one year postpartum:

Theres not a huge difference other than color in these two pictures but I just wanted to remember that the biggest difference between these two pictures (and the 9 months inbetween) is that while my weight stayed virtually the same and while I felt like I looked basically the same in the mirror, I have restored MUCH more core strength in just the last few months. My gap is only a 2.5-3 finger gap and I can no longer push my hand to nearly touch my spine through my belly button (thank goodness!)

My belly is still a bit lumpy when I use my core since it is not 100% healed yet, I still cannot do proper sit-ups or planks because that connective tissue is still not recovered. I use words like recovered because I essentially put my middle through the ringer with 3 pregnancies in 5 years and never completely allowing them to heal, which is why i am treating this like I would any injury, I'm taking it slow.

I should also note that I never consistently went on any sort of diet while breastfeeding the twins... I generally tried to eat healthy but never denied myself anything, but I only made it to the gym 2-3 times a week if that. I hovered around 10 pounds over my pre-twins weight the entire time I was nursing, and the last month after weaning I am finally learning to eat like a normal person (thank you, my fitness pal) and making it to the gym/working out 4-5 times a week.

I am still 5 pounds over my pre-twin weight, but I know it is not just about the weight and overall my body will take time to feel more back to normal and I am willing to be patient. I am grateful for everything my body has done in the last 6 years especially, and I just wanted to give hope to anyone who sees that dark abyss (which is definitely depressing) that postpartum can be, and wonders if they will ever be back to "normal" again.... You will! It just takes time and consistently taking care of yourself. 

I am blessed beyond belief to have a husband who loves me no matter how I look like and encourages me to love myself. Because you can't truly take good care of your body if you don't love it. I still have my off days but overall as I keep active and try to include healthier foods in my diet, I am feeling good about myself these days. And it helps that after a year I feel like I finally look just a bit overweight and not pregnant (trust me when I say this was a HUGE victory for me!).

In January I set my sights on training and was hoping to complete a half marathon this weekend, but then about a month ago I thought, why rush things? So I've switched my focus to strengthening my body and getting a handle on my nutrition, I can always tackle a half marathon in the fall.

ACTUAL CONVERSATION with my 5 year old (who is nearly fully recovered)

him: mom....?

Me: yes?

him: Um...nevermind.

What?

I don't know if I can tell you. You're going to be mad.

You know I won't be mad if you are being honest with me.

Ok...(takes deep breath) Mommy are you going to have another baby?

No.

Okay...sorry if it hurts your feelings. Your belly is just really big, that's all. (pokes my belly) But nevermind...it's not as big as it was when you were pregnant with the babies.

***********************

So there you have it folks--my firstborn gives me the worst week of my life as a mom of 4 where I literally stress ate my way though it (as evidence, we have basically no carbs left in our house) and wasn't able to get to the gym, so naturally I gained weight.

A few lessons I've learned from this crazy week (I am going to pretend it is already over because that is the only way it can get better):

-Don't bother ever making plans more than 24 hours in advance
-I don't handle stress well. But I did manage to eat whenever I felt like I was going to lose it.
-You can always count on your kids to be honest
-I need to not keep things like cadbury eggs in the house, ever.
-I need to be more flexible, and learn to go with the flow.
-I need to be better about asking for help.
-Postpartum bellies with diastasis are unforgiving. Even a year later.

Working on my postpartum self with mutu and a Fitbit

It's hard to imagine what this felt like... The twins were only a month old in this pic. All I remember is being so sore everywhere and tired and having nonstop headaches and zero motivation to do just about anything unless absolutely necessary.

Thankfully those early months are nothing but photographic blurs on my phone and blog. I never miss those early months (not sorry) and it's been crazy but nice coming into the 9-10 month period. Nice because there is far less unknowns and a lot more that these babies can do! Also making a comeback since November thanks to Drew is my motivation to workout. When the twins came j thought the only way I want to workout is at a gym, other than that I'll just sit on my couch all day long thank you very much. Looking back, I wasn't depressed but I most certainly had some heavy hitting baby blues... Not wanting to do anything and giving up on my body is definitely not in my nature. But thanks to a little virtual challenge to myself over the last few months, I've started to get my mojo back... Running, motivated, fighting for the things I want in life instead of just letting life happen.

It wasn't easy and it's definitely been a process.. It started with getting help with my diastasis by purchasing the Mutu program last October. As my core got stronger, my mind and the rest of my body has slowly followed suit. Nothing super noticeable to anyone but me but still progress. The end of November drew gave me a FitBit and I enjoyed tracking my steps, sleep, etc. only in the last month have I really set goals on my Fitbit and worked hard to hit those goals daily. I only made it to the gym a handful of times last month and I still hit my goals pretty often. (Yesterday's leaderboard) I've never been one to play video games or even games on my phone because I am terrible and lose quite easily before losing interest, but with my FitBit, only I am in control of winning, sort of like training. I love that no matter if I make it to the gym or even out of the house or my kids are sick, I can still hit my goals and "win" my game daily, even if I don't always kill it with my steps. My Fitbit has made me a happier and more active mom than I would be otherwise. My kids favorite part of the day is after the babies are in bed and we "Do workouts" in the playroom... Each person gets a few minutes to be the "gym teacher" and leads us through kicks, boxing, push-ups, etc. it tires them out even if we didn't make it outside for the day, and helps them get their energy out (and get me more steps!) before going to bed.

I've still got my work cut out for me. I really got back into running and finally moved to phase two for Mutu.... I made really good progress last month and I continue to adapt/change/fix what's not working and improve myself. Some days (ok most days) I wish this process was faster but then I remember that I want to make lasting changes in my life and those aren't made with quick fixes. Speaking of quick fixes, The $300 prescription hand cream my dermatologist recommended is working wonders on my hands (all my cuts are currently in some stage of healing!) and I'm feeling better in my overall health than I have in a long time. Now I just need that new gym of mine to open its doors so I can stop making the hour round trip drive to the original location (!).

I am not currently in persuit of the most perfect body I can attain...rather I am on a quest to achieve the most perfectly functioning body possible, one that can run and jump and play and lift and do whatever it wants without having to hold back. And I'll get there. If not this year then next year. But I'm certainly doing everything in my power to make this the year.

9 months in. 9 months out.

In other words, the longest 38 weeks 1 day of my entire life 

Followed by the fastest 38 weeks 1 day of my life.

So here we are... Still a rediculous amount of skin leftover along with hovering over that 10-12 pound mark till I hit my pre-little d weight but at least I have a developing core (and I can't feel my intestines when I touch my belly, so that's a huge plus), I feel mostly back to normal and I'm trying to adjust to this whole being a mom of four thing.

I still can't believe my body grew those boys for so long. Soooooo long!!! Amazing.

So as of tomorrow the twins have officially lived longer outside of me than they did inside of me. I'm a lot more emotional about it than I was with the other two and for good reason: these boys are my babies! They will forever be my babies. Growing and nursing and parenting babies has been a huge part of my life for the last six years.... And in 3 months the boys turn one and are no longer babies and I begin a new chapter in my life that part of me feels ready for, but an even bigger part of me feels wholly unworthy for the task. ....Too late they're all already here, ha ha!

Tomorrow starts a new journey for me... Mentally and physically trying to strengthen myself to be the sort of mom I want my kids to remember me being. I have a laundry list of things to work on but I am trying to take it one day at a time, and to start off I am finally getting my act together (i.e. Not eating chocolate at every meal.... Sad but true survival/coping tactic from a stressed out and sleep deprived mom who doesn't indulge in alcohol or coffee!) to be a healthier example to my kids because too often they see me indulging in things they know I/we shouldn't do (cookies at breakfast, eating right before bedtime!) and I would love to not be such a hypocrite. So here we go. Confession is the first step and now that it's out there I'm ready to take responsibility for my actions. It's time to grow up a little.

Drew and I also have a "no kids allowed" anniversary beach vacation planned for a few months from now, so that's also a huge motivation. ;) onward!!

My 2016 resolution: simplify!

Want to know a crazy fact? Of the last 75 months of my life, 67 of those months I have either been pregnant, breastfeeding, or (for four months, one time) training for a marathon AKA eating ridiculous amounts of food to fuel all sorts of craziness that I've been putting this body through! As much fun as that has been.... With weaning the boys on my horizon, that blessed time of "eat all the calories" is finally coming to a close. And I have to relearn how to eat like a "normal" person. Whomp whomp.

Anyway,

Here's my post from last year on my 2015 resolutions:

And to be honest? I think I did pretty good. I'm grateful for the insight that i had to have that resolution because it has helped me a LOT in a year where I spent 365 days either being pregnant or just looking like I was still pregnant. Regardless, I still did my best to embrace my body while continuing to improve myself.

So 2016. In addition to learning to eat like a normal person (ha! Sort of...) and training for my next half marathon, I have a single resolution:

SIMPLIFY.

I loved having just one word to remember, a mantra if you will, like I had two years ago when it served me well. I love this resolution because I can use it in every aspect of my life. It means to me that I don't just need to prioritize but there are some things I just need to cut out of my life because they are just not that important. Which would of course pave the way for spending more time on the three most important things to me this upcoming year: (which I'll be honest I totally "stole" from kourtney Kardashian)

-faith

-family

-fitness

The first two are pretty standard and are basically renewals of my goals I have every year...spend more quality time developing my relationship with Christ and and with my family. No surprise there.

That last one, fitness, is a tricky beast. Obviously correcting nutrition will play a big part in that this year, but my first two hurdles (which I will be tackling simultaneously) are to train for 13.1 miles by the spring (thanks to joining a running club!) and to continue to strengthen and rehab by poor core through the Mutu method... I started months ago and never really got past doing the first two week of core workouts over and over again.... It has definitely helped (I can feel muscles in my midsection, I can no longer poke a finger nearly right through my tummy to my spine aka I've finally started to pull together my diastasis recti, those deep core muscles that were so horribly damaged post pregnancy with the twins!) but I know that furthering myself into the 12 week program will only help me more: (and to clarify I am flexing/sucking in my core in these pics)

Sometimes I really hate posting these "befores" but you gotta have someplace to start to look back on where you've been, right?

Here's to looking slightly less pregnant at the end of 2016 and strengthening my core (and the rest of my body!) enough to tackle a marathon in 2017!